Wednesday, September 27, 2017

How to Get Through the Month Before Your Wedding

Cindy Crawford Wedding Dress 80s


Nine tips for surviving the month before your wedding without losing all your hair, and only most of your savings:

1. Mix four Xanaxes into a stock pot of vodka and drink every time a vendor springs an extra expense on you.

2. Hold your breath until you pass out to avoid all phone calls. Email, you peasants!

3. Take an ice bath to numb the crippling pain you experience every time you view your credit card statement.

4. Go on a juice cleanse, but replace the juice with Pepto-Bismol to not only ease your nervous stomach, but help you lose weight!

5. Take two Ambiens every four hours to ensure you get plenty of beauty rest leading up to your big day.

6. Throw away whitening strips and instead rinse your mouth with bleach! It's cheaper and far more potent than name brand products, and will still leave you with that beloved throbbing pain.

7. Get that $2,000, 24k gold, baby tear facial Martha Stewart Weddings was talking about, because at this point, what's another few grand?

8. Take care of yourself by eating healthy, balanced meals, like ice chips and raw kale, to ensure you have loads of energy and your dress still fits the day of!

9. Smile every time you think about your wedding, because remember, you could have put a down payment on a house!

Peace be with you.

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