Saturday, March 16, 2013

Do you have memories that haunt you?

Do you have memories that haunt you? Jennifer Lawrence


Do you ever feel haunted by relationships in your past? Even if they weren't relationships, even if you just dated for a few weeks, or had a bad blind date, do you ever have painfully haunting memories that are brought on by the mere mention of that person's name?

I do.

Let's bond--I am haunted by someone I dated. And the sad part? It was years ago. I know...stop judging. I feel bad enough, guys.

CosmoGirl never taught me the right stuff. It was always: "Beauty Products That Drive Him Wild" or "Seven Different Ways to Get His Attention Between Classes...smiley face.”

But there was never a 40-something writer posing as a young, wise college student who gave the right advice like: "Reasons You Should Listen to Your Instincts About Someone Even If He's Cute and Charming Because He's Not Right For You (And Stop Checking Your Horoscope For Signs He is Right For You)."

So for years, no thanks to CosmoGirl, I've been rudely reminded of my inability to stop pursuing this person far past our expiration date. Like when I'm listening to my iPod and some dumb song comes on that he told me to listen to because I’d "loooove it," I'm reminded. Or when I'm passed out on the couch in a pile of rice cake crumbs and awoken by a TV show he tried to get me to watch, I'm reminded again. It's fucking annoying.

And why am I so bothered, you ask?





Because of what our "situation" became. Because even though I knew deep down he was so not right for me and that this thing, whatever it was, wasn’t going anywhere thanks to blatant signs, I wanted it to work.

So, like one of those girls Greg Behrendt wrote about in one of his dumb books, I continued to stick around.

But why would I want to stick around, you ask?

Because a lot of things. Because I liked the chase and fell victim several times: a guy was interested in me, I wanted nothing to do with him. But then the second I finally had feelings, he was crushin' on another girl and I was snappin' fingers and actin' all jealous and upset.

I also tended to latch onto the memory of those first few weeks you date someone. You know, when everything is all care-free and fun and you're exchanging Letterman's jackets like you're fucking Sandy and Danny in Grease? Meanwhile, you're ignoring pulsing questions in your mind like "Did he just check out another girl in front of me?" and "Is it me, or is he kind of irresponsible?"

So it should be no shock that in the midst of all this, the not-so-unthinkable happened: he called it off.

HOW DARE YOU.

How dare you break things off before I do. How dare you break things off even though I didn't like you that much anyway...the nerve you have.

I was hurt and I agreed someone had to pull the plug, but I just wanted to be the person to do it, damn it! And because I didn't, I am haunted by my own doing, or lack of doing I guess, and am now left with haunting memories of how I disregarded all the signs and let some guy take me along for the ride. Shaking. My. Head.

Moral of the story? We all make mistakes and some of us stay in situations that AREN'T working for too long. Just end it if you're not feeling it.

Do you have memories of relationships' past that haunt you?

Photo source:  ASOS Mag

 

13 comments :

  1. I have spent the last week and a half engulfed in your writing. I don't know how I stumbled across your blog, but somehow I did and haven't been able to stop reading. I have read each and every insert from the very first up to this one....and I can't wait to read more. You have an awesome talent for writing, you, through your words of wisom/life experiences/drama/love/make ups and break ups have taught me that I am in fact, NOT crazy, as many of my Xs have loved to say, I've seen that I'm not the only woman on earth that gets pissed by getting cheated on or lied to and also found out that I'm not the only one that stupidly starts missing certain Xs and dialing them up...all the while thinking WTF are you.doing!! Haha! Anyway, I enjoy reading your blog, love your opinions....will be waiting on the next entry!

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    1. Aw thank you! And can I just say: YAY! Someone related!

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  2. Wow, I really love this post. Your writing is so honest and full. I absolutely know what you're talking about. It stinks to be reminded of something that was that is now lost and can't ever really be replaced, even if it was bad. I truthfully believe that time (a lot more time that you think) heals. And someday, someone will come into your life and make it all worth it, and all those memories past will become dead to the memories ahead that you will make with this person.

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    1. Thanks for the comment. The gross part is that these "haunting memories" don't just happen because of people we've dated. Because of life...but what can ya do!? Just wanted to touch on this to shed light on it.

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  4. I still remember Exs when certain songs are played, some of them I spent many years with, and are a large part of my life. Although the relationships as lovers have ended for me, they are all still pretty good friends.

    Rationalizing a breakup afterwards is in my opinion, impossible, since the emotions are no longer present. If something makes you feel bad to be in or around, and you want to leave, then do it, and don't bother looking back if you can help it, just keep moving forward.

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  5. I think there is always a little something left behind, even in the worst relationships, that you long for every once and a while. I read a quote somewhere that said: "even if he wasn't the best for you forever, he was the best, the thing you needed at that exact moment in time, even if just for a while." It's those moments that turn into the haunting. I know I miss my ex at times even though I adore my current husband. I think everyone has at least ONE person they will always miss, but it's kind of taboo to talk about it. Kudos to you for putting it out there. :)

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    1. Thanks for the comment, and yes, this is very taboo which is why I felt compelled to bring it up.

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  6. Got to respect you for putting this out there, raw and honest. I think you always carry something from a relationship and you will always miss something about the person even if you couldn't wait to be rid of them. Every girl I've dated had a few cute mannerisms I miss. Such is life.

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  7. I had a bad relationship experience and haunted my memory previously. It's few years ago, the girl (who i chased her long time) started relationship with me and I loved her deeply. She is beautiful. At that time , a lot of my friends told me that the girl was dated with another guy. I didn't believe it until the scene appeared in front of my eyes. I know the guy is one of my good friend. We quarrel and break up in the end. I was really hurt and get long times to recover my pain.

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  8. This is basically my college life in one post. One guy in particular.

    To this day (several yrs later now) I still think about him & what could have been, if he wasn't such a dick to me.

    We had this weird back & forth that went on forever. Stressful, hurtful, but also ... addictive?

    I don't what it is about it - the one that got away? But yeah, I totally relate to this. And I think that a part of me always will, at lest when it comes to him.

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    1. Thanks so much for sharing, Morgan! It's something a lot of people don't talk about, ya know?!

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