How to meet the parents for the first time

So it’s time to meet your S/O’s parents. Clearly, you don’t want to fuck it up by being an impolite, poorly dressed, bore. I don’t want you to fail, and I KNOW you don’t want you to fail. There are no second chances people: parents decide your fate.

First things first: look in the mirror. Is your hemline above your fingertips? Can I see your clear, sparkly bra straps? Does your normal attire look like a Halloween costume? If you said “yes” to any of that, grab an L.L. Bean catalog right now and order some new clothes. You know that person who said you can never be underdressed for an interview? Meeting parents for the first time is just like an interview, and if you don’t believe me, ask Jeeves.

Try something that covers you up, hides tattoos (don’t scare mom) and don’t wear shirts that are screen printed with messages that may make people question your life decisions like “F*ck Bitches, Make $$$.” Also, don’t forget to groom. Why do I even have to tell you that?

Now that you’re dressed appropriately and in the presence of mom and dad, shake hands. You’re not going to land the role of “daughter/son-in-law” by waving from ten feet away, you putz. Extend your arm and give a firm one…but not too firm, you're don't want to be remembered as the one with the really, really strong shake.

Next, you’re going to want to channel your inner Pixar and exercise a warm, bubbly personality that’s hidden deep under all those layers of you: think Snow White or that Kia salesman you hate but can’t help liking because he gives you hot dogs and holds doors open.

Also, don’t forget to sit cross legged at all times if wearing a skirt, ladies. Mom and dad don't need to see your Calvin Kleins, and if you don't wear underwear, now's the time to.

Before you RSVP, ask your S/O about his parents (if you haven’t already, which you should have): What do they do for a living? Where are they from? What are their hobbies? Are they vegan? Now that you’re inundated with a library of knowledge about them, you’re ready to engage, and I don’t know, impress them with everything you know about faux chicken nuggets. Mind blowing.

Gratuitous gestures are always pleasing like arriving with a “nice” bottle of $6 Shiraz or a veggie tray if you’ve been invited to their home for dinner. Or, you could be a real saint and stop standing around like you’re effing Amelia Bloomer and help in the kitchen; offer to prep meals, set the table or do some laundry, and insist!

Next you’re going to want to corner the family members, not literally though. Make nice with siblings, grandma’s and neighbors, play catch or sit in on an episode of Storage Wars; this is about bonding and showing you’re interested in what’s most important to your S/O.

Now that you’re besties with everyone, and practically a hit (don’t get ahead of yourself, I said practically), thank the hosts. Shake hands or hug, whatever you’re in the mood for – that Shiraz creeps up on ya!

Don’t talk about politics, religion, homosexuality or rivaling sports teams. If they ask you, stay neutral.

Put your phone, tablet, laptop, pager, and Snap Chat away. You’re on their time, not “me” time.

No groping.




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