So it’s time to meet your S/O’s parents. Clearly, you don’t want to fuck it up by being an impolite, poorly dressed, bore. I don’t want you to fail, and I KNOW you don’t want you to fail. There are no second chances people: parents decide your fate.
First things first: look in the mirror. Is your hemline above your fingertips? Can I see your clear, sparkly bra straps? Does your normal attire look like a Halloween costume? If you said “yes” to any of that, grab an L.L. Bean catalog right now and order some new clothes. You know that person who said you can never be underdressed for an interview? Meeting parents for the first time is just like an interview, and if you don’t believe me, ask Jeeves.
Try something that covers you up, hides tattoos (don’t scare mom) and don’t wear shirts that are screen printed with weird messages like “I F$%^ Bitches Up.” Also, don’t forget to groom. Why do I even have to tell you that?
Now that you’re dressed appropriately and in the presence of mom and dad, shake hands. You’re not going to land the role of “daughter/son-in-law” by waving from ten feet away, you putz. Extend your arm and give a firm one…but not too firm, you could be dealing with brittle bones.
Next, you’re going to want to channel your inner Pixar and exercise your warm, bubbly personality that’s hidden deep inside a crevice in your soul: think Snow White or that Kia salesman you hate but can’t help liking because he gives you doughnuts and holds doors open.
Also, don’t forget to sit cross legged at all times if wearing a skirt, ladies, and if you're wearing a kilt, Kanye, the rule applies to you too. Mom and dad don't need to view your collection of Hanes, and if you don't wear underwear, now's the time to.
MAKE THEM LOVE YOU
Before you RSVP, ask your S/O about his parents (if you haven’t already, which you should have): what do they do for a living, where are they from, what are their hobbies, are they vegan? Now that you’re beaming with a newly acquainted library of knowledge about the parents, you’re ready to engage and I don’t know, impress them with everything you know about faux chicken nuggets. Mind blowing.
Gratuitous gestures are always pleasing like arriving with a “nice” bottle of $9 Shiraz or a veggie tray if you’ve been invited to their home for dinner. Or, you could be a real saint and stop standing around like you’re fucking Amelia Bloomer and help in the damn kitchen; offer to prep meals, set the table or do some laundry, and insist!
Next you’re going to want to corner the family members, not literally though. Make nice with siblings, grandma’s and neighbors, play catch or sit in on an episode of Storage Wars; this is about bonding and showing you’re interested in what’s most important to your S/O.
Now that you’re besties with everyone, and practically a hit (don’t get ahead of yourself, I said practically), thank the hosts. Shake hands or hug, whatever you’re in the mood for – that Shiraz creeps up on ya!
Don’t talk about politics, religion, homosexuality or rivaling sports teams. If they ask you, stay neutral.
Put your phone, tablet, laptop, pager, and Snap Chat away. You’re on their time, not “me” time.