Thursday, November 1, 2012

How to tell someone "we are never ever getting back together"

we are never ever getting back together

1. Tell the person how horrible and mean they are with a megaphone. Bonus points if it's in a crowded public place like the mall or Target on Black Friday.

2. Have your mom do it.

3. Pretend you have amnesia.

4. Be honest: reference every awful, cringe-worthy specific reason that made you decide you’re never getting back together.

5. Go back to the 90s and write a song called “you oughta know” before some chick named Alanis does.

6. Change your phone number, move, and send a post card saying “look for me and I’ll have you tarred and feathered.”

7. Make a PowerPoint presentation showcasing why you’re not getting back together. Bonus points for pie charts and graphs.

8. Well don’t have sex again, stupid.

9. Get a plane to write it in the sky, but don’t if you’re not a young money millionaire. If you're poor just write it in on their driveway with chalk and don't forget to sign it.

10. Lie and say you have a really terrible STD you got while cheating and you’d hate to pass it on.

11. Make an online dating profile and send him/her the link.

12. Give him/her a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You.

13. Call him/her when you know they’re at work or busy to leave a VM saying you’re done 4 eva.

14. Become a country pop star, write a song about it, make a music video and then get it to air on MTV.

15. Write a book about it because who doesn’t write a book about something these days?

16. Try to get your story on an episode of Maury. Bonus points for Cheaters.

PS. Tay Swift, are you sure we're not angsty soul mates?

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