Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Why you almost joined a dating site, that one time

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There comes a point in every normal person’s life when you hit rock bottom in your love life. We’re talkin’ sitting on the kitchen floor dipping potato chips in chocolate frosting after a break up rock bottom – if you haven't reached for the Ruffles yet, you don't this know rock bottom.

When we hit this bottom, we do all sorts of weird things like convince ourselves we’re going to die in the home we let our cats take over because we love them more than ourselves and that when we do die, we will be born again virgins who never loved another human being again.

But slowly, we sort of get over the person who brought us to rock bottom and then one night we find ourselves out with one of our very few single friends left on Earth (because all our other friends are at home playing house and shit with their “husbands,”) giving out our number to people who act all Elisabeth Hasselbeck about the presidential election. But we don’t really care. We figure, what’s one night at Olive Garden with someone you can drown out if you stuff enough breadsticks in your mouth and chew vigorously? It’s better than eating a Healthy Choice frozen dinner on the couch while watching Hoarders.




And then a few nights later, you’re sitting on the couch watching The Bachelor, a show you tell everyone you never watch but have been secretly since you became single, and you realize you too want to accept a rose. So you panic. You panic like a complete idiot. Like one of those idiot’s who says “They’re all out to get us! You better take your money from the bank and bury it in a can in your backyard!” You start thinking about all the people you’ve been “talking to” over the past few months like Olive Garden guy and wonder if you could make him your boyfriend...but then he doesn’t respond to your text because you’re "one of those Liberals" which makes you relieved but mad because now you can’t even pretend to love him in a menial relationship.

“This is it,” you say. “I’m definitely dying alone now."

But then you see a commercial for eHarmony and that song “This will be….an everlasting love” plays and you watch it, you watch the whole stupid thing and start thinking that online dating can’t be that weird, right? It’s 2012, everyone does it, like Joan and Hal on the commercial. They met online, fell in love and are now living somewhere near Lake Michigan. But then you stop yourself because you’re not about to pay to meet someone. You’re too young for that. Besides, that’s like the same thing as prostitution, right? It has to be. So then you look up OkCupid because that’s free and you’re a cheap ass and you say “I’ll just make an account to see who’s on there but I won't talk to anyone. I just want to see if my future spouse is on there.” But then you need reassurance you're not insane so you ask all your friends “should I join OKCupid?” And they just pretend they didn’t get your text because they know you hit rock bottom.

Then it’s a Tuesday night and you’re at Target and a hot guy checks you out in the towel section and you're all "who me?" Then it’s Friday and you’re on a date with him. Then it’s Sunday morning and you wake up in his bed and you’re all “I love you” and you totally forgot about the fact that you were at rock bottom a few weeks ago browsing 90042 on Yahoo! singles.

See? It happens to everyone. 

Tweet me @BlogWithBeneft

10 comments:

  1. Lol gotta love your sense of humour but I'll have you know i've never ended up in a hot guys bed... bucking the trend like a pro. Thanks again for your advice, I shall let you know if it goes well if not you shall find me in my kitchen dipping potato chips in chocolate icing :-)

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    1. Haha! Of course, my pleasure! And good luck!

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  2. Loved it. Comic writing at its best. I have to start hanging out at Target more.

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  3. nice blog checkout mine out at
    http://www.togetherfornature.blogspot.com
    feel free to leave a comment

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  4. Great post, Jessica, your best yet! After my 2nd divorce, I hit rock bottom; I was 43 with 15 year old twins and was just starting my anesthesia career, so I worked all the time! I wallowed in a pity party for a few months (no one I know wants to date people they work with, especially if they're a fellow doctor!) , then my friends got sick of it and urged me to join match.com. I had to kiss quite a few frogs and endure some very weird dates and email exchanges, but I ended up meeting my husband through that service.

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    1. Thank you so very much! And wow, that's great! I bet you have stories for days!

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  5. So now I need to schelp to Brooklyn for Target hanging out? Completely concur on the definition of rock bottom. Lately my own has been compulsive reading of mature young adult books in admitted defeat of I will die alone. I don't need you relationships I have scores of people 10 years younger and NOT REAL to live through.

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    1. Nooo! Haha that made me laugh! It's okay, at least that's calorie free ; )

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  6. Ha love your sense of humour. The OKCupid bit - priceless. Literally :) I'm really enjoying the Love Stories too. One of my own...

    http://madblogsandenglishmen.com/once-upon-a-time/

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