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It's almost Halloween! It's the best time of year besides the day we get our tax return (unless you owe money or are running from the IRS). So if you don't know what to do this year - whether you're single, in a relationship or bored - here are some ideas:

You can go to a haunted house and pretend to be scared and meet a hot monster to fall in love with.

You can re-enact the scene in Ghost when Patrick Swayze sits behind Demi Moore while she's making her clay pot, except your clay pot will be a pumpkin and you'll be scraping the seeds out of that sucker with your bare hands. Hot.

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Having glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling, a solar system or anything else that glows like a black light in your room.

Being on an episode of Intervention.

Bad breath.

Being homophobic/racist.

Being one of those people who says “they’re all out to get us, you know, all those people in that big white house over on the east coast, they’re going to take our children and our homes and listen to our phone calls.”

Smacking someone really hard when you tell jokes but the smack feels like a punch.

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There comes a point in every normal person’s life when you hit rock bottom in your love life. We’re talkin’ sitting on the kitchen floor dipping potato chips in chocolate frosting after a break up rock bottom – if you haven't reached for the Ruffles yet, you don't know this rock bottom.

When we hit this bottom, we do all sorts of weird things like convince ourselves we’re going to die in the home we let our cats take over because we love them more than ourselves, and that when we do die, we will be born again virgins who never love another human being again.

But slowly, we sort of get over the person who brought us to the Ruffles, and then one night we find ourselves out with one of our very few single friends left on Earth (because all our other friends are at home playing house and shit with their boyfriends) giving out our number to people who act all Elisabeth Hasselbeck about the presidential election. But we don’t really care. We figure, what’s one night at Olive Garden with someone you can drown out if you stuff enough breadsticks in your mouth and chew quickly? It’s better than eating a Lean Cuisine on the couch while watching Hoarders.



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