The internet is a great place for people who have something to say. For example, you know your friend who always posts about how in love she is with her boyfriend/girlfriend and how super awesome her life is now that she has this person who runs to the drugstore to buy her Robitussin when she’s sick (insert pic of medicine here)?
Hell is couples on Facebook. I’m serious. Scroll down your newsfeed, dismiss baby photos, political rants and food pics, and notice all the love there is online: kissy face pictures, anniversary dates, engagement photos, play-by-plays of wedding plans, super cute status updates about each other, photo albums dedicated to just the two of you (no friends allowed), and don’t forget updating all of us with intimate moments that remind you of how incredible this person is to you (See, Robitussin).
It’s great that there are still couples out there who love each other and express their love for one another, and it’s great we have the internet to bring people together from sea to shining sea who may not normally be able to see you and Jimmy on your wedding day, but it’s just irritating and hide-worthy when it’s all over our news feeds too much. There is such thing as too much love, you guys.
Don’t post racy photos of you two lying on a bear skin rug, topless, and looking deeply into each other’s eyes. And definitely don’t make this your timeline cover. Just print this picture out on some Kodak photo paper and put it in a nice frame from Kohl's where it belongs.
We know you two are dating (hence the relationship status on your profile, bucko), which not only means you probably talk on the phone at least once a day, but you probably text a ton too thanks to technology. So why do you have to post the lyrics to Teenage Dream on your boyfriends wall? Once and a while, an "I heart you" is cute and sweet, but poetry, gushing, and incessant doting just makes me cringe/hide you because you take over my news feed.
For the love of God, no fighting on Facebook. It’s fucking Facebook. People can see what you post on there, people like your Grandma and your Orthodox neighbor. I’ll be the first to admit I enjoy reading dialogue between fighting couple friends, but I also feel
extremely slightly embarrassed for them. It’s kind of like trying really hard to not look at a naked person, but they’re right in front of you so you just can’t not see their privates.
DON’T GET TOO EXCITED
Don’t talk about new dates or crushes online. One more time: it’s the internet; people you know read things on there. I’m certain the new person you’re dating won’t be weirded out at all that you’re going over your date in detail on Facebook or live Tweeting the whole thing like it’s the Oscars.
ACTING LIKE JERKS
Can we please stop bashing our ex’s? I know you hate their guts and would like to see them get eaten by a whale shark, but you’re a grown adult who’s acting like a teenage girl who got her first LiveJournal. Stop it. You’re embarrassing everyone on your friends list.
Please leave the dirty talk for sex phone operators and refrain from discussing your sex life. I don’t care about your vibrators, your orgasms, your ability to give good bj’s, or how great your boyfriend is at eating you out, and I know your Dad doesn’t appreciate it.