Photo by Rhyan A. Santos
Your next girlfriend won’t be exactly like your last. She will have a different laugh, different taste in clothes, a different favorite song, and maybe even like her eggs different, but there will be a few things you’ll notice about her that are similar to what your ex’s have done. Things you thought only Emily, Rebecca or Holly did. Things all women tend to do – even your mom or your sister – and that no matter what relationship you’re in, you will find the habits repeating themselves.
She too will present "what if" scenarios. What if she had no legs? What If she was really fat? What if humans milked cats instead of cows? She won’t do it to arouse profound thought, she will never do it for that reason, but she will do it because her mind wanders and she finds great humor in her own quips, and because she loves you – or at least likes you – she’s comfortable sharing her strange thoughts.
She too will be tearful over things that don’t normally provoke strong emotions on or around her period. It's her hormones and she can’t help it. She will start thinking about things that are going right in her life, like you, as things that could go wrong and then on her drive home from work or when she’s having dinner with you, she will turn into a blubbery mess of tears over something she was indifferent about three days prior or how much she loves you. As long as women have ovaries, women will have PMS.
She too will secretly compare herself to other women because she can't help it. Sometime between the premiere of Dawson’s Creek and junior high, she got the idea that beauty was often only Vanity Fair deep and ever since then – even when she usually feels most comfortable in her own body – she will see a photo of a debonair celebrity with flat abs and bodacious curves and feel like she needs to go on a bikini diet for summer. It's in that moment and maybe the next week or so, that she feels it would be nice to not feel those extra three pounds on her hips.
She too will always think it’s okay to have dessert for dinner on a bad day, or for breakfast, or for dessert to her dessert. Sometimes dessert is more like a verb than a noun to her and sometimes she desserts more than once a day.
She too will watch trashy reality television, even if you think she doesn’t (because she said she doesn’t). She will turn the TV on after a long day and zone out during a marathon of Ice Loves Coco. She may not even realize what’s happening as it takes her over or how she even got to that channel, but it will happen. It’s more so woman nature than human nature.
She too will always tell her best friend everything because her best friend is like her doctor. She knows her history of men, sex, jobs, family problems, bad haircuts – everything. She knows what and who is good for her and what and who is bad and she's the one who will be there when or if you're ever gone. There’s no science to it. You may be her best friend, but her best girl friend is the one who knows all at the end of the day.
Results may vary, and by vary, I mean she may watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey instead of Ice Loves Coco.