Guest post: How men deal with a break-up
5/1/12
Photo source, unknown
The Break-Up Bloodsport
Although popular culture doesn’t contain many examples, the
American male handles relationships in a similar fashion to Malcom X’s approach
to civil rights – “By Any Means Necessary.” Famous break-up movies (we can go
down the list, I won’t waste your time) have created a myth that men seek to
mend their broken hearts by becoming raging alcoholics or sensitive romantics.
In a more laughable contrast, Hollywood paints the picture of men with broken
hearts seeking advice from their sister a la Lloyd Dobbler in Say Anything. Let me be clear – if a guy
has a sister, he either ignores her or beats up her boyfriend. That’s the
extent of the relationship.
Today, for some mind-numbing reason, the image of the disheveled quirky hipster seems to have captured the imagination of America. This unexplainable fascination with spoiled rich kids that ‘rebel’ by adorning wordy tattoos and vintage underwear has led to a new image of the male breakup experience: men are like boys, they are sad puppy-eyed fools that create mix tapes and cry in the shower. Today’s James Dean wears a cardigan sweater and horn-rimmed glasses. This trend actually offends me and with that said, fuck Michael Cera. Here is the reality of how men deal with break-ups – not the comic-book version.
Men, by their very nature, approach a breakup with the
ferocity of wounded animal seeking food in the wilderness. We do not complain
or vent – we challenge our ‘ex’ to a battle of the sexes by any means necessary. Although popular culture, in turn reality,
has done away with the ‘bad ass’ rebel without a cause, men will always aspire
to be rebels in one form or another. Stripped away of our BlackBerry, flannel
shirt, and Ray-Ban glasses – men are savage animals that love sex and violence
(ideally, we’d like to combine the two). We’re more like Jack Nicholson from Five Easy Pieces than Joseph Gordon-Levitt from 500 Days of I Have No Balls. While women
drink mimosas with the girls and take Instagram photos of their manicured toes;
men isolate, hibernate, and look at photos of Suicide Girls. Women who get
‘dumped’ or agree to a mutual break-up (history has never recorded a genuine
mutual break-up) eat chocolate cake and go dancing; men, the real red-blooded
ones, will start an impromptu fight on the basketball court and drink large
amounts of whiskey, alone. Rebounds for
women tend to be a new boyfriend – someone that “understands them” or supports
their hobby. For men, a rebound is either a basketball statistic or having sex
with a stranger in the backseat of a muscle car. Women change their Facebook relationship
status (ouch); men delete their Facebook, get a tattoo, and take up a very
dangerous hobby like Brazilian Ju-Jitsu. We go to long baseball games, turn off
our cell-phones, and never watch romantic-comedies. Women watch
romantic-comedies and have a ‘good cry’ with the girls. Yuck.
Fair enough, this all sounds a bit insensitive. But let me be
the first to say that men, myself included, never ‘get over’ a true love. Much
like soldiers never forget about their fallen comrades, men don’t forget those
special moments: the long walks, slow kisses, and scent of her hair on your
pillow. However, unlike women, we don’t seek closure or approval from our
friends. A break-up for an American male, believe or not, is a permanent wound
that will never heal. Women, in contrast, will hold on to keepsakes of their
relationships (unless he cheated on her). For a man, holding on to the past is too
painful. Women tend to start dating the man they always dreamt about: their
father, with muscles and money. Men don’t fantasize about their parents – we
simply go after the first girl that wants to have sex and loves bowling. We
never remember the ex-girlfriend’s birthday, don’t care about her career
aspirations, and could care less about her puppy (living or dead). It might
sound cruel, but men seek complete isolation that leads to a triumphant return to
life as a bachelor. Women, God bless
them, are strangled by the noose of nostalgia and love old photos. Men, possessed
by the Devil, strive to destroy their old relationship and create a new one
that hurts even more. We are masochists and somehow find virtue in the break-up
bloodsport.
Malcom X said it best: “Usually when people are sad, they
don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry,
they bring about a change.”
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8 comments
Loved this. But of course there are always exceptions. There are men who actually will cry out in front of their sisters or girl friends.
ReplyDeleteWell-written, and funny. But nothing like any actual man I know.
ReplyDelete@Colette - yeah. not every man is the same. Just like not every woman does what I generalize on here ;)
ReplyDelete@Nothingprofound- please tell then!
this makes me wonder if i'm secretly a man...
ReplyDeleteSome bits are a bit iffy but I get what he's saying when he says that the end of a true love is a permanent wound to a man, and the need for solitude for a while (for me it was too long, I passed up multiple opportunities to go out with other women... still am in a way).
ReplyDeleteSome of his ideas are a bit off mark like the violence parts but I do get what he means by the end of a true love being a permanent wound, and the need for solitude. I even passed up opportunities to meet new women and still hold back a bit even now. Though as a 82 year old philospher told me today 'if you get knocked back then bollocks to it'
ReplyDeleteMen deal with break-ups is true, i agree with you, good post.
ReplyDeleteAgreed; true love leaves a permanent mark on both man or a woman.It takes time for the scar to fade away..but it always remains there no matter what.
ReplyDelete