Wednesday, April 11, 2012

10 women you don't want to commit to


women you shouldn't date

Hey boys, in an effort to rebuttal a recent post on six guys’ women shouldn’t commit to, I thought I’d “give back,” “pay it forward,” whatever you want to call it, to you fine upstanding gentlemen. Because it’s not like women don’t group types of men and embellish unfavorable character traits about them on a daily basis (BWB), right? So here are ten women you shouldn’t commit to:

1. Don’t commit to girls who just came out of a relationship; even though she says she’s ready to move on, she’s not. She’s heart broken, in most cases, and still thinks about the jerk on a daily basis. She also has his Facebook and Twitter feed on her favorites tab, and yes, she constantly compares you to him. Give her a six month grace period at least.

2. Try not to date women who are really into holistic healing because when a baseball nails you in the crotch and you need pain killers, she will be dancing around your dick with incense while chanting tribal superstitions instead of feeding you Tylenol.

3. If at all possible, avoid dating fitness fanatics: her lean muscle and zero percent body fat will not only give you anxiety, unless you’re a fitness freak like her, but her strange obsession with flirty girl fitness moves, doing abs exercises whenever she can (washing dishes, drying her hair, eating dinner) and her need to turn everything into a race – everything – will make her svelte figure seem less saucy. Oh, and she will probably change your reduced fat milk to fat free and your white bread to wheat. So unless you want to secretly eat your feelings at Taco Bell because she makes you insecure, take my advice. 

4. Never date a feminist: remember, she feels men are mainly the reason anything goes wrong in society, aka, you’re always going to be doing something wrong. She’s also highly bothered by your sexist jokes because apparently, they’re offensive to the female race. I mean, I guess date her, but it’s probably going to suck.  

5. Don't bother with girls who are materialistic: their affinity for gold will force you to either pick up more hours at Pizza Hut or sell your furniture, some sperm and write a research paper for some lazy ass punk in junior college in order to afford her luxuries she requires from a man. PS. avoid getting serious with gold diggers, especially if you have children and are over 80. That's all I'm going to say about that. 

6. I'd steer clear of a girl who doesn't have any female friends (I’ve said this before, but I can’t say it enough). She doesn’t have any female friends because she sucks and if she were a super awesome girl, everybody in the world would want to be her friend; she’d have at least 45,000 friends on Facebook, hello! Do you really want to bring home a girl who people don’t get along with? Mom won’t be impressed, and your mom probably won’t get along with her. 

7. Avoid committing to women who are working on their first “album.” Chances are she's going to sleep with the first dude who signs her and it may or may not be some guy whose studio is in his bathroom, in his parent’s house. 

8. Never date/commit to a virgin who's a virgin because of her strict religious values: when you finally get her in bed and have good old fashion, premarital coitus with her, before you know it, your liberal, agnostic ass will be in church on a Sunday. Hallelujah and praise Jesus, or whoever.

9. Don't date a "daddy's girl: the daddy has always provided for her, gone out of his way to make her happy and spoiled her. Aw, cute, right? No, not cute for you. She's not used to doing anything normal, like cleaning up after herself or working to earn money, in most cases, and she definitely will transfer some of those expectations to you, her new male figure in her life; she's used to men taking care of her.

10. If the opportunity were to arise, don’t commit to Lindsay Lohan. She’s unstable and we all know it.

Also be weary of girls who are really into their appearance, control freaks and conceited heiresses.

Okay, good luck. 

10 comments:

  1. I don't think #6 is so wrong. I would rather have five true, reliable friends than a hundred fake ones.

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  2. LMAO couldn't stop laughing at this - especially the last one! xx

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  3. LOL no-one should ever commit to Lindsay - or Kerry Katona if possible!! x

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  4. Robin, no, having a few close friends is not wrong at all! I definitely prefer that too over having a million friends who are acquaintances. I simply meant girls who really have no female friends. It's rare, but they're out there.

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  5. @Stealing Mummy's, kerry Katona? Now I am up-to-the-know on celebs, but why don't I know of what type of hollywood hot mess she is?!

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  6. hahaha you had me at "women who are really into holistic healing" hahaha and Lindsay Lohan was a nice final touch. Well done again, Jess!

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  7. I'm serious though, only if you're into the holistic stuff is it okay to let it be okay. You get me Colette!

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  8. with so many of the women that have problems today, it is very hard for us men to COMMIT to a woman these days.

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  9. who would want to commit to a woman that is a LOSER anyway, not me.

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