bad first date

Photo by Retro Space

When I was 16 years old, I went on my first date. No, it wasn’t one of those Sandy Olsson loves Danny Zuko kind of dates where we meet and dote on each other on a beach and then later sing “tell me more, tell me more” on the bleachers at school to our friends, it sucked. It completely and utterly sucked.

You see, my first date ever was the worst date ever. I was the worst date ever.

I was going through puberty, I felt gross, I was shy around boys, and I felt insecure and was unsure of myself because what if someone found my copy of the Sabrina the Teenage Witch soundtrack and exposed me? And then there I was, going on a date with a dude I had a crush on who was a few years older than me. It was real precious teenage dream stuff.

He picked me up at my house - real traditional stuff - only after coming inside for a few minutes which of course, made me want to die. I was melting like butter, butter on a skillet, because I was embarrassed of everything then: the photos of me on our walls, the carpet in the living room and the awkward atmosphere I thought was created because my parents were standing there watching (but really, it was just my demented teenage brain that was creating the awkward atmosphere).

We left in his super awesome truck and were on our way to dinner at a restaurant I recommended because I liked it.

We arrive, we order and then it happened – I become a mother fucking mute. Remember how I said I was shy? That, plus nervous, equals forgetting how to act like a normal human being; suddenly, I had forgotten how to talk. I forgot my name, my interests, the year - I thought if I opened my mouth, I’d puke - and I was so fixated on thinking of something to say, I couldn’t think of ANYTHING to say.

It’s not like I didn’t like him, I thought he was super dreamy, I was just so in my head that I couldn’t act normal.

He'd ask a question, I'd answer and then there'd be silence. A normal person would reciprocate the question, or carry the conversation onto a new subject, but not me - I sucked at this hard. My brain was like the egg in the "brain on drugs" commercial with Rachel Leigh Cook, it was bad.

The food came and I thought, “cool, I can dilute this silence with the fact that my mouth is full so there’s a reason for the silence.” Sike. I couldn’t eat. I was way too nervous for that, yet I was the girl who picked the damn place because I went there at least every other week with my friends and cleaned my freaking plate like I hadn't eaten since I hit puberty.

My favorite part was when the server came to see if we were done and I said yes. He looked at me like I was crazy and asked "you aren't going to eat?"

More butter melting here.

We went to a movie after that mess, which was super awesome because I ripped my jeans while getting into his truck on the way there. My Old Navy jeans ripped right next to the zipper, of all places. Why? Why not is the answer? What 16-year-old girl wouldn't enjoy her affordable, yet poorly made light wash, low-rise, bell bottom jeans tearing on her first date?

Oh, and you bet I was too embarrassed to say ANYTHING about the breeze near my crotch because Lord forbid I make this night weirder. So I covered it up with my clutch and tried to stay still for the rest of the night. Picture me walking with my knees glued together to deter it from tearing more. Picture me standing in the lobby afraid to move while he played video games in the arcade before the movie. I just looked like the big bitch who didn't want to be there.

I was thinking/embarrassed about the rip so much, I was even more silent. You didn't think that was possible did you?

And in case you were worried that he wasn’t going to make at least one move on me, he didn’t. He may as well have sat six rows behind me during the movie.

The date ended, he dropped me off and that was that. Solid gold right there people. I'm pretty sure he hit on one of my friends not too soon after making my teenage life even more awesome. Oh, and you can bet I was embarrassed for weeks. I even felt like I should have sent a thank you card for not leaving me with the custodian at the movie theater.

Of course, I‘ve learned how to converse with the opposite sex since then, and I eat, and if my pants rip, it’s not a big deal. You live and learn. Sometimes dates suck and to the people out there who have haunting memories like this, you’re not alone.

What was your first date like? Good/bad? Can't talk about it?

friend zone couple kissing
Photo courtesy of Retro-Space

Two things can happen when it comes to the friend zone: you can put someone in the friend zone because you don't want to see them naked or, you can be put in the friend zone because you're a scaredy cat and afraid to make a move on someone you want to see naked.

This problem is a clear and present danger and if we don't put an end to it, it's going to be bigger than global warming. Okay, maybe not, but seriously, what if that happened?

We all know what it means when you're putting someone in the friend zone because you've done it and you know why you've done; you're telling a poor innocent soul "I don't like you enough to fuck you exclusively,” which is also known to mean "let's be friends instead."

However, when you're the one who ends up wallowing in the friend zone because you've been put there, it means you spent too much time wondering if how you felt was how she felt and let your nerves get the better of you resulting in you not making any moves. There’s nothing else to it, I shouldn’t even keep typing but I will because you’re not getting it.

When you don't establish what it is you want from someone you're into, what you're after will never be known. Trust me. If a guy asks me to hang out and we end up blowing bubbles in a park and playing Super Mario Kart at 1 in the afternoon at his moms’ house, I'm going to assume this person is looking for a new best friend. I don't know about you, but I have enough friends and if I genuinely like someone and/or want them naked in my bed, I don't want to be their friend.

Make sense?

I know you want to be around this person because she’s the cat’s meow, but don’t let it result in just “hanging out,” you have to hit on her.

Ask her out on a date (please make sure she's single) and make sure she knows it's a date; step up your game – no more high fives and handshakes. Stepping up your game also includes (but is not limited to): letting your hand linger on her knee a little longer, touching the small of her back, making sexual eye contact across a room, and brushing her damn hair out of her face. I know you have it in you, just go for it.

Also, all that time you're spending picking daisies and asking "does she like me, does she like me not?" is making her think you don't because you're not acting like you do buddy and she's probably going to move on.

So if you like her, make it known. And if you end up in the friend zone again, it's because you asked her to come over to your moms’ house at 1 in the afternoon to play video games.

PS. Don’t tell me you made moves and still ended up in the friend zone, that’s not the friend zone my dear, that’s the rejection zone. She’s just being nice.

PSS. Don’t be overzealous about letting her know you like her, girls get freaked out by that stuff.

women you shouldn't date

Hey boys, in an effort to rebuttal a recent post on six guys’ women shouldn’t commit to, I thought I’d “give back,” “pay it forward,” whatever you want to call it, to you fine upstanding gentlemen. Because it’s not like women don’t group types of men and embellish unfavorable character traits about them on a daily basis (BWB), right? So here are ten women you shouldn’t commit to:

1. Don’t commit to girls who just came out of a relationship; even though she says she’s ready to move on, she’s not. She’s heart broken, in most cases, and still thinks about the jerk on a daily basis. She also has his Facebook and Twitter feed on her favorites tab, and yes, she constantly compares you to him. Give her a six month grace period at least.

2. Try not to date women who are really into holistic healing because when a baseball nails you in the crotch and you need pain killers, she will be dancing around your dick with incense while chanting tribal superstitions instead of feeding you Tylenol.

3. If at all possible, avoid dating fitness fanatics: her lean muscle and zero percent body fat will not only give you anxiety, unless you’re a fitness freak like her, but her strange obsession with flirty girl fitness moves, doing abs exercises whenever she can (washing dishes, drying her hair, eating dinner) and her need to turn everything into a race – everything – will make her svelte figure seem less saucy. Oh, and she will probably change your reduced fat milk to fat free and your white bread to wheat. So unless you want to secretly eat your feelings at Taco Bell because she makes you insecure, take my advice. 

4. Never date a feminist: remember, she feels men are mainly the reason anything goes wrong in society, aka, you’re always going to be doing something wrong. She’s also highly bothered by your sexist jokes because apparently, they’re offensive to the female race. I mean, I guess date her, but it’s probably going to suck.  

5. Don't bother with girls who are materialistic: their affinity for gold will force you to either pick up more hours at Pizza Hut or sell your furniture, some sperm and write a research paper for some lazy ass punk in junior college in order to afford her luxuries she requires from a man. PS. avoid getting serious with gold diggers, especially if you have children and are over 80. That's all I'm going to say about that. 

6. I'd steer clear of a girl who doesn't have any female friends (I’ve said this before, but I can’t say it enough). She doesn’t have any female friends because she sucks and if she were a super awesome girl, everybody in the world would want to be her friend; she’d have at least 45,000 friends on Facebook, hello! Do you really want to bring home a girl who people don’t get along with? Mom won’t be impressed, and your mom probably won’t get along with her. 

7. Avoid committing to women who are working on their first “album.” Chances are she's going to sleep with the first dude who signs her and it may or may not be some guy whose studio is in his bathroom, in his parent’s house. 

8. Never date/commit to a virgin who's a virgin because of her strict religious values: when you finally get her in bed and have good old fashion, premarital coitus with her, before you know it, your liberal, agnostic ass will be in church on a Sunday. Hallelujah and praise Jesus, or whoever.

9. Don't date a "daddy's girl: the daddy has always provided for her, gone out of his way to make her happy and spoiled her. Aw, cute, right? No, not cute for you. She's not used to doing anything normal, like cleaning up after herself or working to earn money, in most cases, and she definitely will transfer some of those expectations to you, her new male figure in her life; she's used to men taking care of her.

10. If the opportunity were to arise, don’t commit to Lindsay Lohan. She’s unstable and we all know it.

Also be weary of girls who are really into their appearance, control freaks and conceited heiresses.

Okay, good luck. 

friends advice on who you date
Photo by Byrant Eslava

Do your friends opinions really matter?

Hell fucking yeah they do.

How many times have your friends rolled their eyes when you mention your girlfriend who’s cheated on you twice? How many times do your friends listen in complete silence while you gush about your boyfriend who has a history of getting wasted and then drunk dialing his dentist, punching a bartender and getting a few numbers from sorority chicks before ending up in jail for the night?

You're so infatuated, though.

When you date someone, it's as if the world is one big cupcake and you're just jumpin’ on the icing like it’s a giant trampoline – there are sprinkles flyin' everywhere and your feet are covered in sugar, but you don’t care. You're oohing and ahhing at kitschy bullshit that's heart-shaped and in the same color family as red and you’ve been humming “kiss from a rose” by Seal for two weeks.

You are SO infatuated.

But what if this person isn't that great? Yeah, maybe she listens to you when you tell stories (good in bed) and yeah, maybe he opens the car door and gives you his jacket when it's cold out (good in bed), but what about the times this person made you feel nauseated and did things you swore "if anyone ever did that to me, I’d leave their ass."

It happens to everyone, but where you go wrong is when you stop listening to your friends.

Don't you care that your friends or family don't enjoy being around this person? Don't you care that when you invite them over to your house for Monopoly night they say they’re busy, but they’re really at home tweeting about a Double Dare marathon that’s on?

I care. I care that you don't care.

I care because your friends should love the person you're infatuated with. And no, don't tell me you don't care about what anyone thinks, shut up. You're an adult and as long as you live, you're always going to need a support group in your life (family, friends, co-workers - your nail lady - whoever). On nights when you find out your boyfriend is flirting with some hoe bag on Facebook, again, who are you going to call? Your friends, duh. But they can only take so much. They can only take so much before they start rolling their eyes and sitting in silence. Advice and care will stop and you definitely don't want to lose friends over a girl who didn’t know North America was a continent (good in bed).

You're better than that.

Listen to your friends because they're right. I know you're in love and you care about that person, but if your friends keep repeating the same things over and over and over again, it's not because they are spineless jerks who don't get along with anyone (they get along with YOU) and want you to be miserable, it's because they don't want to see you hurting, okay?

So take what they say into consideration, and live a healthy lifestyle, emotionally.

hipster blonde girl

Love is the instinct to place someone before yourself.

The summer before my junior year of college, I was working as a waitress at a Friendly’s a couple towns over from mine. At the end of my shift one day, I was cleaning my section and he happened to be sitting with a friend in the next booth. I noticed him because I thought he was possibly the only cool looking boy ever to step foot in a Friendly’s. He noticed me, he said later, because he liked that my pants were too short. I gave him my number but two weeks passed before I heard from him. As it turned out, he’d gotten some other girls number around the same time and decided to pursue her first.

Our relationship had a very young quality. One week, during junior year, I skipped school and ran off with him to Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire, where I’d spent all of my family vacations as a child. We went to all the arcades, ate soft serve ice cream, played miniature gold and ran around town like two kids in love.

I shared a tiny, one-bedroom apartment on Beacon Street in Boston. He stayed over a lot, and we’d set up blankets on the living room floor. That summer we spent a lot of time in my apartment in Brookline. Once, after dinner with his parents, he told me that he loved that I was painfully shy around people I didn’t know very well, but the moment I was alone with him I released every thought I’d been holding in. He said it made him feel special. It’s probably the only time someone didn’t see my shyness as a major fault.

It was significant and painful when he told me he’d suddenly joined the National Guard and would be leaving in a few weeks for basic training. I suppose we hadn’t been dating that long, but it would have been nice to be given a little warning before he signed up.

We were lying in our make-shift bed on the floor of my apartment one night, cozy and happy when, in a moment of naive, overwhelming joy and love, I said something like, “I think I love you too much.” Which I understand is kind of a stupid thing to say to someone – I think it was just the first time I realized how deeply I’d fallen into things. His response was this: “Yeah…I think you love me more than I love you, but I’m not far behind.” As I recall, I had no real response, just silently wept to myself as he fell asleep.

The next day I recounted the story to my friend. She pointed out how completely absurd it is to suggest that not only was there a way to calculate levels of love, but also that he’d done the calculating and discovered that although I loved him more, he was just slightly behind, and would soon catch up. We had a good laugh. It made me feel better to focus on the stupidity of his comment rather than what he was really trying to get across. In reality, I’m completely aware that what he said wasn’t meant to hurt me, in fact he probably thought he was saying something nice, but it was just one of many comments that should have been left unsaid…Much like my comment, I guess.

Kristyn Dors; Los Angeles, CA

chevy chase fletch

Ladies and gentlemen, never trust a guy who:

Asks you out over a Twitter DM. Oh honey, no. Twitter is no place to make date plans and 140 characters is no way to get to know anyone. If he can't figure out how to get your phone number or ask you out in real life (face-to-face), he's no man you should trust.

Never trust a guy who tYpEs LyKe tHiS in emails, tweets or texts. Oh, and REALLY never trust him if he writes like that on paper. Gross. You're going to regret that decision 4 lyfe.

Never trust a guy who minds your interests - whatever they may be - like frozen yogurt, your secret obsession with Taylor Swift or tweeting pictures of your nails. If he likes YOU, he will accompany you while you pile fruity pebbles and bananas into your fro yo cup. I'm serious, don't fight me on that. 

Never trust a guy who wants to get exclusive after two dates. Three dates, maybe, but two? Hell no!

Never trust a guy who doesn't take "no" for an answer when you turn him down after the "let's get exclusive" after two dates talk. If he keeps pestering you, questioning you and won't drop it, he's needy/obsessive, party of one.

Never trust a guy who says his ex was a stripper. Unless you're a stripper, then don't worry about it. You're totally his type.

Never trust a guy who calls you two weeks after a date: unless he was on an African safari, in the hospital or kidnapped, he spent the last two weeks with another girl(s) who didn't work out in his favor, so he resorted to asking you out again. Next.

Never trust a guy who won’t leave his cell phone anywhere and/or flips out if you touch it - even if it's just to see the time or look at it because it’s a pretty iPhone - just don't. Something's up! REMEMBER I WARNED YOU.

Never trust a guy who texts you "accidentally" because he's got the "wrong" number all the time, especially when you never gave him your number. It's not cute, it's strange. 

Never trust a guy who actually tweets those spam porn bots on Twitter because that's nasty and you know it.



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