Jon Hamm mad men

Something happened the other day, something happened that made me realize Jon Hamm is the man.

I mean, I’ve seen him around, don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen him being all tall and manly in his tailored suits, playing funny roles and then serious ones, looking dapper on Mad Men, and holding a smoldering stare on the cover of GQ, but I was just never goo goo ga ga over him.

It just wasn't enough and I wasn’t on the same page as everyone else who had his face sewn on their pillowcase. I felt like I could only know him as his Don Draper character because he was being celebrated as this modern day 1960s sauce pot women and men (don’t hide your man crush) were fantasizing about.

But I wanted to know the real Hamm, and then he did it, he wowed me: earlier this week he called Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian idiots and with no shame, sigh.

“Whether it’s Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a f**king idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.”

Keep talking, baby.

Ladies and gentleman, I'm in celebrity-crush love. I'm in celebrity-crush love with a man who doesn't know I exist.

It's the kind of love where I want to vote for him for president. No wait, I want to vote for him for king of the universe, regardless of politics or planets, or whatever. I want to put his face on Coca-Cola bottles and then wheat paste pictures of him all over the globe Kony 2012 style: onto park benches and freeway underpasses. He's the man.

And how could you not love him? I mean, he played Winnie the Pooh in his class play when he was in first grade. How precious is that?

He also has an English degree which means he's really good at sentence structure and thesis statements, oh yeah.

He worked as a day care teacher during college and a high school drama teacher before making his move to Hollywood. I KNOW.

He's friendly to muppets; that's cute, right? And he hangs out with Paul Rudd and Zach Galifianakis. He's so fun.

So besides looking dashing while drinking an Old Fashioned on AMC, what other reason do you need to love him?

hipster brunette girl
Never trust a girl who post’s too many status updates that are P-E-R-S-O-N-A-L. Why? She's posting about her food poisoning, how she wants to rip some girls’ hair extensions out at work and how “sad :’(“ she is - for no reason - she’s just sad. That’s why, fool! She may be cute in the beginning, but where I’m from, they call girls who have to tell everyone what they’re doing and feeling all the time, needy.   

Never trust a girl who calls you a cheap a-hole for not buying her diamonds. Never.

Never trust a girl who’s a racist. A joke here, a joke there, and then BAM, you find a white supremacy thread left up on her computer that she comments on. You don't want to be the one bringing the racist to Easter dinner.  

Never trust a girl who programs your iPod to her liking. I don’t even care if you’re married, whata biotch!

Never trust a girl who doesn't have any girl-friends. Not girlfriends, G-I-R-L friends. If she only hangs out with guys and says she doesn't get along with girls because they're too catty, they're bitches, she’s “more like a guy anyway,” blah blah blah, she's a big fat liar. There’s probably something wrong with her that inhibits her from maintaining a personal relationship with women and there may also be signs of insecurity if she feels the need to surround herself with male figures. She may also become extra needy since she doesn't have a good friend to talk to about her period and stuff. The more you know. Just letting you know.

So you know how Facebook is like, not private at all anymore? And you know how you can see when people "like" the photos and statuses of people you don't even know? If the girl you're poking is "liking" a whole lot of wedding photos, baby photos, sonograms – whatever else Facebook is used for – and you're just poking her because you want to POKE her, stop.  She could be looking for more; maybe, not for sure, but maybe...most likely.

Never trust a girl who confesses really weird secrets like how she put her hamster in the dryer once. She's a weird girl.

Never trust a girl who blames everything on PMS: no woman can blame her extreme rage over parking tickets or say she started throwing couch cushions at the wall while screaming “Where’s my remote?” on PMS. I’ve heard PMS is called anger issues in some cultures.

Never trust a girl who posts hearts, love poems and glittery GIF's all over her profile; oh, and if you notice she has an album entirely devoted to LOVE (unless you’re looking for some sort of Rachel loves Ryan-Notebook type love), you might want to remain on the edge of your office chair because she's clearly in love with love. Whether or not you two will work out, she's on the prowl and she will likely fall hard for you whether or not you're the right guy for her. Women like that can’t help it because there’s too many glittery gif’s on the web to NOT post on her Facebook wall.

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There’s that moment when you’re having a bad day or something terrible happened and the first person you think to go to is that person who swooned you persistently with witty lines and compliments that made you blush for days. You go to this person who you’ve invested so much time in and have let your heart grow so big for in hopes of moral support  or at least a kiss on the forehead and all you get in response is “I’m sorry.” There's no further inquiry as to what happened, if you’re okay or what they can do for you; this person doesn't run to you for a make-it-better hug because they care about you. They truly, deeply, care about you and your well-being.

This super awesome person will keep showing you how much he or she cares because that's what they do best: caring.

When you plan something you’re interested in doing and this someone says “that sounds good," and then you meet up and this someone asks “did you really want to do that?” with a slightly audible expression on his/her face that says “I don’t really want to," it's because they care about you, for sure.

When you drive home late at night and this type of person doesn’t make sure you got there safe, it's because they care about you. 

When you text this person asking how their day was or are sending a funny story -- like they text you all day, err day -- and they don't respond until the next morning saying something idiotic like "sorry, I thought I sent that," or flat out lies to you by saying "I fell asleep," they're telling the truth and they're telling the truth because why would they lie to someone they care about? Yet this person was visibly online the night before updating social networks after ending the conversation you were having all day.

This person cares about you when you drunk text him/her your deepest, horniest secrets, because when you’re drunk, all you want is more of this person; however, when they’re drunk, you don’t hear from them until the next morning when they’re telling you how hung-over they feel from the night before.

This person cares about you when you have sex by not pleasing you or making sure you're getting off. Regardless of what feels good for you, they only fuck you the way it feels good for them, because they care about you.

This person cares about you when they don't even muster the energy to hug or kiss you back when you're leaving their house in the morning and instead, they just lay there and say goodbye. There's SO much love and respect there. 

This person cares about you when they're the designated driver and they don't think to stop drinking because you're in the passenger seat. Because heaven forbid they have one night when they have to do something for someone else, someone they care about. 

This person really cares about you when they’re fine not seeing you for almost two weeks, but never mind the fact that you’re dying inside but trying to play it cool because you don’t want them to know how badly you want to jump their bones and kiss them. Because how dare you risk looking like a fool in deep emotions over someone who cares about you every two weeks or whenever they feel like it.

This person is showing they care about you when you have sex and afterward, they throw your pants at you saying "you might need these." Not to mention the fact that they didn't get you off. But this person cares about you, so what does it matter, as long as they're happy, right?

P.S. This person doesn't care about you.

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Photo by Kodi Lane

Relationships can be sticky. There are up’s and down’s and all kinds of fun things that need work to make it work. I want everyone to succeed with the people they care about so I'm here to address lying today.

Throw ya hands in the ayerrr if you like being lied to. Anyone? I didn't think so.

Nobody likes to be lied to – whether it’s a friend, an acquaintance, your dentist – you just don’t. And you especially don’t like being lied to by someone you’ve invested all those lovey dovey  feelings in.

Take this guy D'mare for instance who believes lying can make “women go freakin' cuckoo crazy,” and yeah, he has a point.

He says you have to choose the lesser of the two evils: you can either have a nice adult conversation about the issue at hand, tell him or her you’re wanted for murder and only piss them off a little, or you can lie to them and deal with the fun repercussions later.

So why do women go freakin’ cuckoo crazy when they’re lied to yelling things like “there will be blood?”

First of all, people always find out when they’re lied to. It doesn’t matter how or who told them, just know that unless you hired someone to erase what happened, they will find out. And then whey they find out you lied, shoooot, you better run because you officially hurt someone - you withheld the truth and betrayed that person for whatever reason you had - and they’re not going to be happy about that.

And now that you hurt that person, there's going to be a lot of trust issues that spring up. I mean, you freakin’ lied, what did you expect?

You might want to prepare for fighting too, and if it's about something really bad, you might want to prepare for breaking up. Yeah, ouch.

Oh, and don't forget about animosity. She/he might get over it temporarily, but bring it up later and mutter things to you with a whole lot of attitude, possible snapping of the fingers and neck and eye rolls.

It’s just not very polite.

How can you base a relationship off lies anyway? That's no fun for anyone involved. You’ll be all jittery and shit (unless you have no soul).

So no more "wass wrong baby?" when your woman is mad that you lied. I told you why.

PS. Never mind what D'mare said at the end of that video. D'mare talkin' cuckoo talk. 



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