YOU'RE A BOOTY CALL IF:

YOU'RE A BOOTY CALL IF:

1/5/12

I KNOW you KNOW what a booty call is, but just in case you've never heard the term, it's a “late night summons--often made via telephone--to arrange clandestine sexual liaisons on an ad hoc basis.” At least that's what Urban Dictionary says it is.

Look: I'm going to be frank, and by frank, I mean Jessica. There are too many times I hear friends talk about guys they're seeing and all I hear when they speak is "arranged clandestine sexual liaisons." No, I’m not talking about myself, er, shut up!

So if you think that guy you met at the gym is the cat's meow and you’re wondering why he hasn't introduced you to his mom, taken you to church with him or met up with you before 10 p.m., well, I hate to break this to you.

You're a booty call if:

1. You only see each other after dark, in dark rooms, closets, corners, alleys, etc. This is a given, but if you're just meeting up for a rendezvous, it's bad news bears Ms. New Booty.

2. You've never met his/her friends. There's a reason for this: people don't take you to a Bar Mitzvah and introduce you as their fuck-buddy. They take you places they'd want to be seen with you if they're seriously considering something more than Facebook chat with you. There’s also that whole, “I need my friends approval thing.”

3. The only texts you get involve dirty innuendo's asking what you're wearing, if you're horny or if you're free at 11 p.m.

4. You don't know anything personal about each other because the only kind of pillow talk you've been having is "say my name."

5. The only thing he's ever given you are condoms, and maybe some booze, but mostly condoms.

6. Your "hanging out" always leads to sex.

7. Your friends roll their eyes when you mention him.

8. The one time you do see his friends, one of them laughs or hits on you.

9. He's got girls all over him--or guys, whatever--texting him, Facebooking him, driving by his place, showing up in the middle of your rendezvous at midnight, dropping off baskets of muffins, you get the picture.

10. Don't even make me say this, but if you're having sex and he says he doesn't want anything serious...yeah, about that. Sorry. Cyber hug.

If all you want is a booty call, that's totally fine because sometimes you've got to get the poison out, otherwise just remember you can't turn a hook-up into something borrowed and something blue.