New year's eve kiss resolutions for 2013

It's almost New Year's Eve! What are you doing? Watching the ball drop and eating pot stickers in your PJs or getting white girl wasted in Vegas? More importantly, are you making a resolution? I suggest you do, even if you're one of those people who "doesn't make resolutions" because there's always room for growth and making your life better, even if your life is already pretty great, people who won the lottery...

So in an effort to make 2013 better than 2012, here are some recommendations to make next year your golden year.

1. Be more romantic. Do things "just because."

2. Be a jerk because sometimes you need to sound a little tough to get what you want.

3. Vocalize what you want/need/expect from someone whether it's a friend, family member or bf/gf.

4. Stop dating the wrong people. Get to know yourself better so you can learn who the right people are.

5. Stop complaining so much, you're irritating everyone.

6. Be a better kisser. Throw some Spiderman kisses into your routine.

7. Stand up when she leaves/comes back to the table. This will set you apart from the rest.

8. Cancel your gym pass and go for a walk. Unless you live in a sketchy area, in which case, drive to another neighborhood and go for a walk.

9. Say "I love you" more.

10. Date someone you never would have in 2012.

11. Don't be so judgmental, unless it's the Lohan family we're talking about.

12. If you're being slutty, stop. Everyone is watching.

13. Don't go to bed hungry because you're out of calories.

Girl dancing New Year's Eve

14. Be thrifty but don't skimp on important things like birth control, condoms and hand soap (the cheap stuff seriously wrecks your skin).

15. Have more fun.

16. Unfollow Donald Trump on Twitter.

17. Celebrate birthdays. Sending wishes on Facebook isn't good enough, unless you're using their new gift feature...

18. Do one thing you've never done before in 2013, just not one of the following: Oxycontin, getting someone pregnant and leaving or embezzlement. Everything else is cool though.

19. Even out the trashy television you watch with some news or at least something scripted.

20. Floss more because dental work is expensive and bad teeth = no dates.

21. Dress your age.

22. Accept the things you cannot change like nosy acquaintances and bad family health history.

23. DON'T accept the things you CAN change like poor credit and the size of your boobs. JK! But I mean, if you're not happy about them...

24. If you're single, accept it. Who cares? It doesn't define you.

25. Shut up and do that thing you've been saying you're going to do.

Follow me on Twitter @BlogWithBenefit 
Photo via NastyGal

girls on phone online dating

Photo by Wildfox

What’s great about Facebook is that you have every hot guy/girl in the world in the palm of your hand, literally. You can browse your friends friends and even the friends of their friends, but how do you make one of those hotties, who you’ve never met in real life, your friend/future lover? Here’s how:

Stop poking and start get-to-knowing: I know it’s fun to poke your crush on Facebook or “like” their photos to break the ice, but you’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t start chatting (Creeper lesson 101: avoiding conversation and just “liking” photos of someone’s derriere and/or selfies doesn’t scream NORMAL). Facebook is such an easy ice breaker anyway because you can totally stalk the shit out of him/her, learn their interests and strike up a convo about gnomes or cats or whatever it is he/she likes.

Establish an online relationship: No, this doesn’t mean be together without ever really being together; I mean get comfortable with h/she. Pay attention to what you two talk about (as if you weren’t already) and establish an online friendship. People do it all the time but they call it “networking.” Er, sorta.

Play it cool: You guys aren’t FIRL (friends in real life, and yes, I made that up. YOLO), so be cool. Don’t wait around for a message, don’t read too much into pokes or comments, just be friends who have never met IRL, who have mutual friends in common. And if you don’t have mutual friends, just be strangers who want to see each other naked but are “networking” first.

Initiate a hangout: Okay, so you’ve been chatting online for how long (and hopefully you have Skyped or Face Timed or something)? Just hang out already! The worse thing that could happen is you get a “no,” in which case: delete! But really, you can’t be FICW (friends in cyber world) forever.

Move things forward: Now that you’re FIRL and you know he/she’s not really a teenage girl chatting you up from Poland (re: Catfish), you can move forward. Discuss where you want your relationship to go, and go there.

Change your status: Hold the hamburger phone! Only change it if you two have talked about this, do NOT change it if you haven’t.

Accept your fate: Sometimes none of this works. But I’m not Morgan Freeman narrating your life, I can’t make miracles happen. If you tried your damn hardest and uploaded the sexiest pics of yourself and he/she still doesn’t want to make it Facebook official, maybe it’s probably not meant to be. If it is, one day you two will be brought together like swans in a lake. It will be like a Nicolas Sparks novel or something, I promise.

***Remember, results vary. Just because you friend someone because you think they're cute doesn’t mean they will accept, so don’t get ahead of yourself!

Have you turned a Facebook friend into a boy/girlfriend?

Tweet me @BlogWithBeneft

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Join me on Facebook as I count down the 12 days of Christmas with naughty advice for you and your bf/gf, a stranger or that person you're eyeing.

So ladies and gents, drum roll please: On the first day of Christmas you should try this:

Never trust a girl who...
Photo source: unknown

Is a slob: You know when you meet someone who seems super put-together, and then you go in their apartment and it looks like T.J.Maxx after Black Friday? Don’t trust her; even if she pulls the sexiest lingerie from a pile of her crap, there's absolutely nothing sexy about a messy person.

Never trust a girl who openly fights on Twitter. What’s on the internet is forever, like that LiveJournal you once blogged on, and besides, it’s unladylike to talk shit on social networks. And it's a lazy approach anyway, at least date a girl who's willing to meet on the black top and take care of business!

Makes you watch Twilight but won’t watch something you want to watch. How fucking rude.

Isn't sure who her baby daddy is.

Never trust a girl who orders a salad at a steak house. She will never be any fun, ever.

Never asks how YOU are! Jeez, the whole world doesn't revolve around her!

Doesn't vote: be a man and date a woman who stands for something other than fighting frizz.

Home-wrecked a family, aka, her nanny days are over.

Sepia tones and puts a fancy Instagram filter on every selfie she takes of herself. What does she really look like anyway?

“Likes” her ex’s photos and statuses’ on Facebook all the time.

Has “why does everyone think I’m a slut?” syndrome.

Types everything in Comic Sans font, and I mean everything: emails, blog posts, holiday cards, grocery lists - RUN!

Boys, have you ever dated a girl who had untrustworthy qualities? Do tell!


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I met Stranger when I was a wee sophomore at college, right after transferring 3000 miles to a new school. I had left my boyfriend at home, believing we could make the incredibly long-distance relationship work. And believe it or not, worked for seven months- until I met Stranger.

I knew it was trouble the instant I laid eyes on him. Stunningly handsome, impeccably dressed, alarmingly confident, and oh-so-smooth. He was the definition of a ladies man, and I urged myself to stay far away. But after constant run-ins at social functions, my fear turned into curiosity. Who was the man behind the clever mask? No one could be that calm, collected, and confident all of
the time. So we became friends. Then we became roommates. And I became (conveniently) single.

We lived together in a tiny attic-apartment above a doctor’s office downtown. We shared a room (and bed) and quickly fell into a lover’s pattern. I made him breakfast as he played video games, then he delivered me to ecstasy in a frenzy of passion and pheromones each night. The sex was unlike anything I’d ever experienced or thought I ever could experience. It was earth shattering, mind-blowing, looking-into-the-face-of-God amazing. So of course, I believed we were in love. What else could explain our amazing physical connection?

Well, love, it was not. Unbeknownst to little naïve me, Stranger was seeing someone else while we were rolling around in the sheets. I moved out, he moved on, and I was left behind with a “broken” heart.

But in time I realized my heart had not been broken. I had, in fact, never loved Stranger at all. I was infatuated, yes. Carnally attracted, yes, but in love? No. We were drawn together by primal instincts- not by our souls. He was the first person I had made love to without being in love. That confused me, but soon the thought excited me. I wouldn’t have to wait for Prince Charming to come along before having amazingly wonderful sex- I could have it with non soul mates, too!

Again, I was wrong. The sex Stranger and I had could not be replicated with any off-the-block boy. After things ended with Stranger, I began dating and always ended up disappointed. None compared to his fingers in my hair or his lips against my skin. And it seemed none of the girls he saw compared to me. We continued to meet up at least one night a month for almost two years. It was our blissful, sinful secret.

Four months ago, Stranger moved away from our college town. On his last night here, we didn’t sleep together, but reminisced of our days in the attic apartment above the doctor’s office. We had drinks with his parents. And he finally proved that there is something behind his mask, confirming that our connection is bizarre but real. There is more than just sex there.

I’ve quit trying to define it, to explain it. He is not my lover, my boyfriend, or even my friend. He is my Stranger. He is someone to count on- both emotionally and physically. But primarily physically. And that is A-ok with me.

-Anonymous; 23, Charleston, SC

If you have a love story you'd like to share, email me at:

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The Man's Guide To Love #78 from themansguidetolove on Vimeo.

Do you agree that authenticity is one of the most important things in a relationship? Why or why not and has it worked for you like it worked for our buddy Ken?

Tweet me @BlogWithBenefit

Anjelina jolie single people ben and jerry's ice crea

Did you know that having a fear of being single is an actual condition? It’s called anuptaphobia. It’s what those people who go back and forth between “single,” “it’s complicated” and “in a relationship” on Facebook have. Isn’t that cool? Now you can post this on your friend's wall! JK.

So to all you people who are afraid of dumping your no-good girlfriend/boyfriend because you’re afraid of losing your cuddle buddy, and to all you people who just got out of relationships, are claiming your life is over and you’re going to end up alone: get over yourselves.

You're not going to be bored–you will have a life: I don't know where you heard that all single people do is sit around playing Words with Friends while they wait for Postmates deliveries, but I've got news for you: single people are busy. In fact, they're probably busier than you were when you were shoveling Tostino's Pizza Rolls into your exe's mouth while you binged Law and Order every weekend. Just think of all the free time you'll have to do the stuff you couldn't do when you were in a relationship, like pee with the door open and marathon the Bachelor!

You're not ugly: Oh gee, you just got dumped, and now you suddenly look like Roseanne Barr. Right. Ya look the same as ya did yesterday, so stop complaining about about how you think “no one will want you.”

You're NOT a loser: Being single doesn't make you a loser! There are a lot of intelligent, law-abiding, charity donating, single people in this world who will kick your single ass if you keep calling yourself (aka, all the other single people) a loser.

You're not a failure: There's nothing wrong with you other than the pity party you keep throwing for yourself. Not everything works out, and just because this person wasn't your soul mate doesn't mean you're tainted and un-dateable. Hasn’t your mother ever told you that if you’re dating the wrong person, you can’t find the right person? Or maybe that was Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants that said that. Same difference.

You WILL meet someone: News flash! Single people are not extinct! They're still out there making Bumble profiles and text message dumping people they're not into, so get over it! You WILL go on dates. According to some study made by some dude, there are 102 million single people in the world, so think about that.

we are never ever getting back together

1. Tell the person how horrible and mean they are with a megaphone. Bonus points if it's in a crowded public place like the mall or Target.

2. Have your mom do it.

3. Pretend you have amnesia.

4. Be honest: reference every awful, cringe-worthy specific reason that made you decide you’re never getting back together.

5. Write a song like “you oughta know” and send it to your local radio station (if this were the 90s).

6. Change your phone number, move, and send a post card saying “look for me and I’ll have you hurt.”

7. Make a PowerPoint presentation showcasing why you’re not getting back together. Bonus points for pie charts and graphs.

8. Well don’t have sex again, obvi.

9. Get a plane to write it in the sky, but don’t if you’re not a young money millionaire. If you're poor just write it in on their driveway with chalk or whipped cream. And don't forget to sign it.

10. Lie and say you have a really terrible STD you got while cheating and you’d hate to pass it on.

11. Make an online dating profile and send him/her the link.

12. Give him/her a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You.

13. Call him/her when you know they’re at work or busy to leave a VM saying you’re done 4 eva.

14. Become a country pop star, write a song about it, make a music video and then get it to air on MTV.

15. Write a book about it because you're 20-something and you haven't written a book yet? You should feel bad about that.

16. Try to get your story on an episode of Maury. Bonus points for Cheaters.

PS. Tay Swift, are you sure we're not angsty soul mates?

Halloween costumes leopard outfit

It's almost Halloween! It's the best time of year besides the day we get our tax return (unless you owe money or are running from the IRS). So if you don't know what to do this year - whether you're single, in a relationship or bored - here are some ideas:

You can go to a haunted house and pretend to be scared and meet a hot monster to fall in love with.

You can re-enact the scene in Ghost when Patrick Swayze sits behind Demi Moore while she's making her clay pot, except your clay pot will be a pumpkin and you'll be scraping the seeds out of that sucker with your bare hands. Hot.

Female leg heels dating deal breakers

Having glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling, a solar system or anything else that glows like a black light in your room.

Being on an episode of Intervention.

Bad breath.

Being homophobic/racist.

Being one of those people who says “they’re all out to get us, you know, all those people in that big white house over on the east coast, they’re going to take our children and our homes and listen to our phone calls.”

Smacking someone really hard when you tell jokes but the smack feels like a punch.

dating site relationships girl on phone short shorts
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There comes a point in every normal person’s life when you hit rock bottom in your love life. We’re talkin’ sitting on the kitchen floor dipping potato chips in chocolate frosting after a break up rock bottom – if you haven't reached for the Ruffles yet, you don't know this rock bottom.

When we hit this bottom, we do all sorts of weird things like convince ourselves we’re going to die in the home we let our cats take over because we love them more than ourselves, and that when we do die, we will be born again virgins who never love another human being again.

But slowly, we sort of get over the person who brought us to the Ruffles, and then one night we find ourselves out with one of our very few single friends left on Earth (because all our other friends are at home playing house and shit with their boyfriends) giving out our number to people who act all Elisabeth Hasselbeck about the presidential election. But we don’t really care. We figure, what’s one night at Olive Garden with someone you can drown out if you stuff enough breadsticks in your mouth and chew quickly? It’s better than eating a Lean Cuisine on the couch while watching Hoarders.

first kiss girl kissing mannequin

Let’s talk about first kisses, because like anything you do for the first time in your life, it’s fucking awkward.

I came to public school when I was 12 after attending a very, very private school that made me memorize Bible verses weekly and wear plaid jumpers; the most risqué thing I ever did there was rap a scene from Sister Act during an assemble. Those girls were so holy, even the junior highers kept their skirts at the acceptable length and shirts buttoned all the way up (bo-ring); not one single uniform looked naughtier than the other.

When I transferred to public school, girls were reading Cosmo and talking about blow jobs and I certainly wasn’t like all the other whores in my class who were off kissing boys during recess, I was holy. I wasn’t going to lose my K card to just anyone. So yeah, you can bet your ass it took me quite a few years to come back to Earth from the holy belt and let a boy near me, not that I didn’t want a boy near me because the five members of NSYNC were all over my walls at home, even the ugly one.

girl on phone, retro, teenager

The internet is a great place for people who have something to say. For example, you know your friend who always posts about how in love she is with her boyfriend/girlfriend and how super awesome her life is now that she has this person who runs to the drugstore to buy her Robitussin when she’s sick (insert pic of medicine here)?

So sweet.

Hell is couples on Facebook. I’m serious. Scroll down your newsfeed, dismiss baby photos, political rants and food pics, and notice all the love there is online: kissy face pictures, anniversary dates, engagement photos, play-by-plays of wedding plans, super cute status updates about each other, photo albums dedicated to just the two of you (no friends allowed), and don’t forget updating all of us with intimate moments that remind you of how incredible this person is to you (See, Robitussin).

It’s great that there are still couples out there who love each other and express their love for one another, and it’s great we have the internet to bring people together from sea to shining sea who may not normally be able to see you and Jimmy on your wedding day, but it’s just irritating and hide-worthy when it’s all over our news feeds too much. There is such thing as too much love, you guys.

relationships elvis presley priscilla presley

Okay, I didn't write this, but this is everything I wish I could have ever written about bad boyfriends and not being able to break up with them (which is why I felt compelled to post this article by Megan Dietz). Whether you've been in relationships you couldn't get out of or know someone who has, you can relate to this. I promise. 
I am a proudly independent woman. I value and crave my solitude, I have hobbies and an active social life, and clingy guys turn me off! But I can’t seem to stay single for one reason: there are some things I just don’t want to do alone. I have to admit it: more than once, I have found myself settling for a really bad boyfriend if it means I have a built-in date for trying new restaurants, going to amusement parks, weddings and similar functions, cuddling in bed on Sunday mornings, making out in the park, and, yeah, well, having sex. (You know, non-BFF activities!) The side effect is that I end up staying with guys who make me feel crazy and sad.
The world tells me that I'm a square peg if I don't have a date. EVERYONE I KNOW is married or engaged. And yeah, sometimes it does come from inside my own head. Like when I lie in bed and imagine arms wrapped around me, and just cry cause they're not there. Aaah, even typing it makes me cry! But I'm not co-dependent or even lonely, so what's the dealio? Is what I wonder. 

Robert Pattinson Kristen Stewart Cheating Break-up R-Patz K-Stew


I know we hardly know each other, hardly, and I know I don't have a Twilight Baccalaureate to my name, but I firmly believe my background in broken hearts and toilet papering houses gives me the highest qualifications to present you with a plan that will turn your life around. Before you look away, I just want you to know I don't plan on billing you for this. This is purely for the greater good of the R-Patz community, your well being and the violation of the Seventh Commandment.  

I know the R-Patz army is huge and your fans would probably stone Kristen Stewart to death upon your request, but it's you that will make the ultimate impact. It's you, Robert, that can render the ultimate revenge.

What I'm saying is you need a rebound. A young, hot, smiley, rebound. Your rebound should be the exact opposite of your cunty, brooding ex. Ultimately, your goal is to hear down the grapevine that Kristen is sitting in a tree somewhere (she seems like the type to sit in trees), flummoxed and shrugging her shoulders asking "what does she have that I don't?"

Christian Slater True Romance

1. Always, ALWAYS, have K-Ci & JoJo’s “Crazy” on hand. You never know when you're going to need to sexify breakfast up a little.

2. Please note that every once and a while, a girl loves to be tossed back and kissed like you're in freakin’ Gone with the Wind.

3. Be thoughtful, which also means pay attention. Surprise her with little things that show you care (ie:” I saw this book today and I thought you’d like it” or “I recorded your favorite TV show since I know you worked late.”), I didn’t say you had to buy her a Rolex.

4. Be there for her. Sometimes we just need a minute to let it all out. So when she's depressed/anxious/hurt/mad or all those things at once (ek!), be sensitive to her needs, listen to her, be there for her, etc. etc. etc.

5. Flowers. Honestly, it's not cliché and they're really nice. Even the cheekiest of non-girly girls love flowers and don't believe the girl you're dating when she says "oh I don't need no flowers from any man" with an eye roll and two hair tosses. SHE'S LYING. Even if you pick it from a bush outside her house, that’s one more daffodil than she had before!

6. Surprise her: you don’t always have to stick to plans or do nice things on anniversaries, holidays or birthdays. It could be just because it’s Monday and you love her. Just sayin’.

7. Play with her hair. It sounds dumb but I'm serious. I don't mean put it in pigtails, just play with it in your fingers, okay? It’s sweet.

8. DON'T write her a poem, Google translate it into French and attempt reading it to her. She won't know what you're saying because your French sounds like a Jamaican accent with a lisp; however, DO tell her how you feel and use words like “amazing, best, beautiful,” instead of “#1, cool or hot.” The only exception is if you use all six of those words together. NOT.

9. This guy below:

10. If you have an accent like Pedro and speak Spanish fluently, never speak English again.

Tweet me @BlogwithBenefit

One more thing! Check out my friend Phil Brody’s new book The Holden Age of Hollywood! His debut novel exposes the underappreciated business of screenwriting while unfolding a snarky and witty look at Hollywood. It's a great read and for anyone who enjoys cynical writing, he's your guy!

Tweet him @PhilBrody or check out the book on Facebook!

Avoid sex too soon couple making out hipsters floral button down
Photo source: unknown

Sex is great: it's why we’re here, it’s natural, it’s fun, and it's intense, but sex can also be a total potential relationship ruiner. Why? Because if you’re getting intimate at your earliest convenience – a jacuzzi, a dark theater, a bathroom – and it doesn’t lead to the type of relationship you want, there's a high probability you might feel like crap about yourself.

Now, if you’re one of those people who is whippin' it out and having sex without a care in the world and it’s working for you, GREAT, I'm happy for you, keep doing your thing. And if you had sex with a stranger in the handicap stall at a Dodger game and he’s now your husband, ALL the power to you. But if you want more than a fling with someone, and you're realizing that every time you're intimate too soon makes things crumble into a pile of crap, it's time to zip up your jeans and get to know one another a little better. Here's how to do that:

Justin Timberlake waterfall

The other day I was cleaning out some boxes of old stuff I kept from my teeny bopper years and found wadded up photo's of Paul Walker and Justin Timberlake that I once had pressed to the cover of my three-ringed-binder in high school. 

You see, when I was 14, I had nothing better to do than fantasize about celebrities that were unattainable, so for funsies, here’s a list of all the boys I thought I was in love with up until…not that long ago (well not all of them, just the ones I had it bad for). Don’t judge.

Erik Von Detten: This was Disney's fault. He was in that Brink! movie and I was dumb. Then he came back in The Princess Diaries and I was so smitten. Basically, Disney kept regurgitating him so I had no choice NOT to like him!

Starcrossed wildfox trying to move on

Photo by Kimberley Gordon

With every step, I could hear the crashing waves behind me as my feet touched the cold, sand covered ground. When I walked out I had every intention of not looking back, but as I stood in the dark glancing back at the walkway that was set forth in front of me, I took one giant unrealistic leap.

I met him two years ago and there was instant attraction with his dark beard, brown eyes, subtle confidence, and hippie style. I caught him during an “it’s complicated,” period – he was just taking a break from his ex when he met me, and with our common interests and off-the-charts chemistry, a fling emerged. I admitted I didn’t want anything serious, I should have known.

Marcia Brady saying no to dates

It was a Saturday night and somehow I ended up watching a band I didn't know play in a warehouse that was a wasteland of 19 and 20 year-old's who weren’t old enough to get into bars and twenty-something try hard’s who were sick of that scene.  I was with a handful of my friends, everyone was drinking and dancing around and we were drinking and watching everyone dance around.

Then, in the midst of feeling like I was in that scene in Across the Universe where Jim Sturgess was rolling on an inflatable bed with what's-her-name, a couple guy friends we knew mixed into our circle. One guy we knew introduced us to his friend who was visiting for the weekend; he was nice and he kind of had this Michael J. Fox thing going on if Michael J. Fox played that guy in Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place (the short one).

At this point, I was a five on a scale of one to throwing up in a trash can so I was feeling nice and chatty; it was only expected that I took to MJF with a million questions. It just felt right, as right as anything feels when you're drinking Natural Ice and not wearing your glasses.

fast times at ridgemont high phoebe cates

1. This month you can be extra patriotic by hooking up with all types of Americans! Your country tis of thee, right?

2. Because I just saw a commercial for's new event called The Stir, aka a customized event gathering singles with similar interests, ages, haircuts – whatever – in a bowling alley or something so everyone can mingle and fall in love. So basically it's a synchronized Friday night out, but this time you know everyone there is available and everyone there probably likes Pirates of the Caribbean 1 and 2 just as much as you. Hooray for July fun!

3. July means that you’re basically looking your best: you’re a little tanner and a little thinner thanks to that Jennifer Hudson who keeps prancing around on TV in her white dress singing about her points and how good she feels reminding you that it's not cable knit sweater season. When you’re feeling good, you’re more inclined to mingle and end up in mysterious bedrooms as opposed to when you’ve got that Christmas cookie bloat/flaky winter complexion mid-December.

4. Summer means free events like concerts in parks, movies in cemeteries (wait, that's not free LA), fireworks and all that fun red, white and blue stuff. So take your frugal cheap ass to the park and rub elbows with like-minded coupon clippers.

5. Because Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise just filed for divorce and if Scientology can't save them, we're all doomed this month. 

6. Everyone is outside playing Hopscotch and running through the sprinklers, so cut back on the Maury and go outside where the people are!

7. Because YOLO

8. Because remember when your girlfriend went to the river last month and told you she was at a church retreat but then when she got home, photos of her in pasties and hanging on some guy with a handlebar mustache appeared on Facebook? That's why it's good to be single this month because she's a lying whore.

9. It's a great month to not be spending money on dinner for two or tickets to a zoo you'd normally never,ever visit. You'll probably save enough money for a Mexican cruise and six iPads, I'm serious. Book the cruise now, on one of your iPads.

couple kissing keelan tollefson

Lying next to him I feel so safe, so protected, as if the rest of the world has come to a stand still. I snuggle into my space and I now know that this is what I do this for, this makes it worth it. I’m almost afraid to go to sleep. What if it’s a dream? What if when we wake in the morning it’ll be like every other day. Like the act of sleep has erased everything as if it didn’t happen.

I lie next to him, too scared to move in case I wake him, almost holding my breath. Even blinking causes me to think twice. I just want to lay in this moment, with his warm heavy breath on the back of my neck, his arm a protective shield against the rest of the world. I don’t want this to end. And with my thought , as if he’s heard, he mumbles in his sleep, like a giant ogre turns over noisily and puts his back to me. And here I am back in the cold spot, with no protective shield; I’ve lost him... well for tonight anyway.

Still I lie motionless, if I have lost him I don’t want to wake him, that would be worse than waking him in ‘our moment’. In my cold spot I try to think has it always been like this? How did it start? Is it really that bad? They always talk of bruises and cuts, that’s never happened, so maybe this isn’t bad, this is good, he loves me, he does it because he loves me.

From 16 to 18 I lost me. From 18 to 26 I was still trying to find me. With my 27th birthday fast approaching I am making some sense of me. I didn't feel it start, I didn't see it start and I didn't realise how skilled he was at his craft. Like a man with an ice pick, chipping away to reveal a masterpiece: except he let me melt.

Now I look at what I have and to write and wallow in the past would mean that I am still a puddle. I look over at the one who is fixing me, who doesn't care that I am mostly insane and loves me for every crazy thing I think and do and who holds my hand in the dark and makes me feel safe, always, forever. I wish every woman who is lost in the dark could see that it doesn't have to be forever but YOU have to be the one to stretch out your arm and switch on the light.

I switched my own light on, he just makes sure it never burns out

-Elle Lavell; UK, 27 years old


hipster red head girl

Sing “girl, look at my body. I work out” to me, tweet the lyrics because it's a "feel good song that represents you" and mention we should see LMFAO live, I’d love to. Also, can you never brush your teeth again? Your Olive Garden breath is pleasant. Is that the "endless soup and salad" I smell?

I’d like you more if you were completely dependent on your parents. You should call them all the time because they’re really good at answering questions like what to do when you forget your debit card in the ATM and how to iron polyester. Oh my god, can you be really clingy too? Can you text me when you know I'm sleeping or unavailable to talk with endless brain banter? Nothing screams “let’s get serious” more than "watcha doin? I'm tired. Sigh, there's nothing on TV. Hello? Should I eat spaghetti tonight? Watcha doin?"

Also, make sure you announce that you’re going to be single for the rest of your life on Facebook so we can all comment “no you won't, stop it! You’re great! Who wouldn’t want to be with you?” Then continue to sulk like it’s a Morrissey music video so we can all feel sorry for you.

Keep going for people who are out of your league like supermodels or mermaids. Also, have affairs, pursue people who are taken and don’t get over your ex. It has only been four years anyway.

Keep dating people you meet online. I’m serious. And only limit yourself to people who poke you or people who are OK according to Cupid. Don’t ever hit on someone you see in real life, actually, just stay home. Don’t go out, ever.

Don’t text me back and feel free to update your Facebook status about some philosophical idea you had like “why are we all here?” instead. Be promiscuous too; there’s nothing sexier than a person who has slept with more people than I’ve had dentists clean my teeth.

Ah, and you know what’s a major turn on? If you went on a dating show on VH1 or MTV involving a washed up MySpace celebrity with a name like Tila Tequila or Willa Whiskey. That’s so hot. And have sex on camera. Have sex with multiple people. Have sex with multiple people at the same time. My parents will love you. Can we just run away and get married already?

couple hugging

It's Wednesday and I don't have much to say about love, life, dating, sex, uneven boobs, or the shirtless guy I saw yesterday standing on the shoulder of the freeway wearing white framed sunglasses and shorts sagging like it was 1996. So here's something for people who don't feel like reading.

couple making out

cute couple

vintage couple on bikes

Girls shooting guns, leading others on
Photo courtesy of VICE

Dear people who lead others on,

I want to address something you have done, someone you know has done, or something you might do one day. It's a bad habit some people keep repeating and it needs to stop. So consider this Intervention minus cameras, methamphetamines and me presenting you with a gift of rehab somewhere in Idaho.

Here's the problem, you and too many others are leading people on: leading someone on is the worst thing a human can do to another person (besides identity theft, cheating and murder of course). It makes you, the culprit, look bad, and it also makes people think terribly of you because you can’t muster up the courage to be open with what you want.

When you know you don't want to be exclusive with someone, or even date someone who you know likes you, you need to tell them. You should feel lucky that someone adores you enough to want to be your boyfriend or girlfriend, but don’t strip yourself of the privilege by abusing their emotions.

You have to be honest with what your relationship with this person is to you. If it's just sex, then you need to tell him or her that it's just sex.

If you know this person has a big fat crush on you, then don't flirt, don't call this person when you're feeling sorry for yourself after you drank too many Bud Light Platinum's, don't compliment this person's looks,don't go out to breakfast or linger after you have sex, don't give this person presents "just because," don't invite this person to places like the movies, and don't send them winky faces in texts or PM's. You shouldn't even be within 200 feet of this person because doing any of the above with someone you don't want to date (because you don’t like him/her in that way or you don’t want a relationship with anyone) will lead them on. And besides, it's just mean. Like cyber bully mean.

If you're in a relationship and you know the person you're dating wants to take it to the next level – moving in, marriage, kids, role play – and you don't, don't you dare keep telling that person "when I’m ready." If you're not ready for role play after being together for seven years, you will never be ready with that person.

You of all people should know that when you get a crush/fall for someone, you want nothing more than to be with that person; you’ve had crushes before, I know you know what I’m talking about.

So there, leading people on sucks: it makes you look like a selfish coward who disregards a persons emotions by reaping the benefits of their love and/or sex because you have an inability to be honest and one day, you will understand when it happens to you. It's rude, it's immature, and it's like making fun of the chubby kid in gym class. Someone shouldn't be shamed for liking you enough to want to date you just like a chubby kid shouldn't be shamed for trying to dunk.

jon hamm ask a grown man

Rookie Magazine has a series called "Ask a Grown Man" featuring celebrities like Paul Rudd, B.J. Novak and most recently Mr. Jon Hammy ham ham answering pressing questions submitted by teenage girls about life, boys, crushes, and all that warm fuzzy stuff that happens in your teen years. See the video below:

Oh, and because I love her, here's an interview with Kiernan Shipka who plays Sally Draper. She's the cutest little button.

You might also like "I just realized Jon Hamm is the man"

Derek Jeter shirtless

Never trust a guy who doesn't tip and/or doesn't tip servers well. Tipping is a sign of politeness and gratitude and if he can’t find it in himself to tip someone who keeps his eight glasses of Dr. Pepper full – lite ice – he’s never going to be grateful for the things you do. The more you know.

Never trust a guy who hands out his business card at a bar on a Friday night. Who does he think he is, the Don Juan of Wall Street?

Never trust a guy who makes a quick judgment about ANY of your friends or family members (especially if you just started dating!). Even if your brother is a prejudice asshole who wears too much cologne, that's for you to say, not him. 

Never trust a guy who's Facebook profile photos have a different girl in each one. He doesn’t just "happen" to be surrounded by beautiful women all the time, it's either a rolodex of ex-girlfriends or a rolodex of girls he doesn't really know, but thinks are hot and would like to know, so he gave them a dollar for a photo. And then they walked away.

Never trust a guy who uses a MySpace, still

Never trust a guy who changed his screen name on a social network that dubs him king of something. IE: BeerPongPrince, TheWomanMaster or BestontheWest – I'm going to stop now because I'm making myself sick.

Never trust a guy who wears Hawaiian shirts unless he's Tommy Bahama or your Dad. Do I really need to give you a reason?

Never trust a guy who "likes" photos of girls in pasties on their spring break on Facebook. You don’t want to be with someone who does things like that. Everyone can see that activity and that’s just embarrassing, come on now.

Never trust a guy who initiates contact with you by poking on Facebook. Unless all you want is a relationship full of poking, theoretically and physically, then I guess you can trust him.

Never trust a guy who has all his information hidden on Facebook and don't give me that "but he's just private" bull. How strange is it that you can't see his friends, his comments, his photos, his information, his everything? What's he doing on there? Who’s he poking? What's he hiding?

hipster hot guys new music Cutty Gold
Sam Wilkes, left and Bert White,right

They say long distance relationships don’t work, but Cutty Gold has managed to debunk this rumor. Last spring, Sam Wilkes of New York, and Bert White of Los Angeles, met at a dive bar in Echo Park – Gold Room – through mutual friends, and now, a year later, they've birthed an EP of catchy surf-pop songs full of soulful vocals that are sure to make you reminisce that 60s Motown sound and maybe even soothe a broken heart. 

Jessica: Describe Cutty Gold in three words:
Sam: Naughty
Bert: Alive and Rowdy [laughs]. We gotta laugh a bit and not take ourselves too seriously. These kinds of things are always inexact too. 

How old are you?
Bert: 22.
Sam: 21.

From what I’ve heard on your EP, it seems like you sing a lot about relationships, is this what you mostly like to write your songs about?
Bert: I’d say we mainly write about love in all its glory and disasters.
Sam: Yeah love is a common theme. Though, we also like to write about being young and making mistakes in a messy world.

You [Bert] mentioned that your song "Sweet Sunday" is about getting over a break-up that's sort of lingering in your mind - something that you can't quite get over - is this about a great love? A terrible relationship that was so jarring it caused PTSD? What's it about?
Bert: [laughs] The song is about a pretty intense breakup of mine, and being caught up and dwelling on that breakup too intensely for far too long. For me it’s a song about redemption. Sunday isn't an arbitrary symbol or choice. In part it represents a closing (of a week) and opening of new possibility, all at once: a death and the birth of something new. It was us figuring out that anguish is necessary to move on.

girlfriend same as your ex
Photo by Rhyan A. Santos

Your next girlfriend won’t be exactly like your last. She will have a different laugh, different taste in clothes, a different favorite song, and maybe even like her eggs different, but there will be a few things you’ll notice about her that are similar to what your ex’s have done. Things you thought only Emily, Rebecca or Holly did. Things all women tend to do – even your mom or your sister – and that no matter what relationship you’re in, you will find the habits repeating themselves.

She too will present "what if" scenarios. What if she had no legs? What If she was really fat? What if humans milked cats instead of cows? She won’t do it to arouse profound thought, she will never do it for that reason, but she will do it because her mind wanders and she finds great humor in her own quips, and because she loves you – or at least likes you – she’s comfortable sharing her strange thoughts.

She too will be tearful over things that don’t normally provoke strong emotions on or around her period. It's her hormones and she can’t help it. She will start thinking about things that are going right in her life, like you, as things that could go wrong and then on her drive home from work or when she’s having dinner with you, she will turn into a blubbery mess of tears over something she was indifferent about three days prior or how much she loves you. As long as women have ovaries, women will have PMS. 

She too will secretly compare herself to other women because she can't help it. Sometime between the premiere of Dawson’s Creek and junior high, she got the idea that beauty was often only Vanity Fair deep and ever since then – even when she usually feels most comfortable in her own body – she will see a photo of a debonair celebrity with flat abs and bodacious curves and feel like she needs to go on a bikini diet for summer. It's in that moment and maybe the next week or so, that she feels it would be nice to not feel those extra three pounds on her hips. 

She too will always think it’s okay to have dessert for dinner on a bad day, or for breakfast, or for dessert to her dessert. Sometimes dessert is more like a verb than a noun to her and sometimes she desserts more than once a day.

She too will watch trashy reality television, even if you think she doesn’t (because she said she doesn’t). She will turn the TV on after a long day and zone out during a marathon of Ice Loves Coco. She may not even realize what’s happening as it takes her over or how she even got to that channel, but it will happen. It’s more so woman nature than human nature.  

She too will always tell her best friend everything because her best friend is like her doctor. She knows her history of men, sex, jobs, family problems, bad haircuts – everything. She knows what and who is good for her and what and who is bad and she's the one who will be there when or if you're ever gone. There’s no science to it. You may be her best friend, but her best girl friend is the one who knows all at the end of the day.

Results may vary, and by vary, I mean she may watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey instead of Ice Loves Coco.



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