There’s this Christmas video lurking cyberspace that left my mouth agape and stomach nauseated upon watching it. It's the video for "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber and I'm pretty sure it should just be called, "All I want For Christmas Is Justin. Love, Mariah."

While watching this, I couldn’t help but think that Mariah Carey has been having sweet, sweet fantasies (this is a serious joke, no pun) about this little tiger for some time now. It also led me to believe she probably coerced him into her dressing room with candy canes before filming to “rehearse.”

Here are my conclusions about this video:

The Mariah Carey in the beginning is actually her wax mannequin from Ripleys Believe it or Not.

Justin's friends clearly didn't believe he bagged Mrs. Robinson so they came to see for themselves.

Mariah Carey thinks it’s 1995.

Mariah was clearly told she was a cameo in a Juvenile video, hence the erotic bell ringing, body caressing and shaking of her ass against a wall. See this, this and this.

She’s definitely on the naughty list, as well as Megan's Law.

The fur-pleather-plaid-vest-jacket-thing he’s wearing is NOT helping the lesbian rumors that are circulating.

That jacket is definitely something from the AK Anne Klein collection in the women’s department of Macy's.

Pop stars who wear pleather knee pads on their pants are a huge success, well, for a short time. See this.

How does Justin hold a note so well while going through puberty?

Oh, it’s because they started synthesizing his voice.

He definitely got fresh with her. For sure. See this.

Nick Cannon doesn’t even know this video was made because he’s taking care of their children.

Nick Cannon doesn't even know she isn't home.

He definitely whispered sweet nothings into her ear in the sleigh after they eye fucked each other.

She has no idea how old he is.

He knows exactly how old she is.


  1. I liked your analysis. IMHO it's right on.

  2. Awkward. I couldn't watch more than 30 seconds of it.

  3. It's like a train-wreck. I couldn't NOT watch it all the way through.




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