Dear person who shall remain nameless,

I'm only writing this in hopes of opening your eyes to the rad personality you’ve acquired through your big-man-on-campus self-claim to fame.

When you contacted me to "catch up," a series of things ran through my head: I thought about posting fliers around your neighborhood with a photo of you and "missing man baby" in 72 font underneath. But I withheld. I also thought about responding to your little inquiry with a list of reactions like:

Thanks, but no thanks.
Wow, really?
Are you fucking insane?
H1N1 sounds like more fun than seeing you again.
You're pathetic.
Please delete my contact information.
I'd rather read the owners manual for my car for 24 hours than spend two hours listening to you talk about yourself.

But I didn't even react. Okay, I may be reacting now, but I don't give a damn.

So let me catch you up on something, bro.

You're better off with a girl who listens to Miley Cyrus and drinks Mikes Hard Lemonade. You won't have to spend as much money impressing her because a) she can’t get into bars, b) has no regard for the finer things in life like a nice cut of steak and a membership to Costco and c) she won't need more than two drinks to get her Girls Gone Wild status, so there you go.

You might want to work on yourself too. Asking people to do things for you because you're lazy won't teach you the difference between your and you're. I know paying attention to things you don't care about is a difficult thing, for you, but knowing how to properly structure a sentence is not that outlandish given your college degree; so again, teenagers may suit you better.

You should also know that in order to have any kind of relationship with anyone in your life, ever, you have to get to know them too; it's not all about you, all the time. But I guess in your case, it is.

I'm just helping you be the man you think you are.

With my semi-sincerest regards, good luck with life. You will find someone, somewhere, eventually. Bless her heart.



  1. I do hope you've sent this. Love letters at their finest.

    Just started making my way through your many posts. Great stuff.

  2. This blog is plenty. Thanks for reading!

  3. "With my semi-sincerest regards" LOL You're blog is hilarious, can't wait to read more!

  4. Open letters are the best... I just hope he has the sense to realise it's to him... guys like that never do ;)

    Elle xo

  5. He doesn't. He has no clue. But it's all good.

  6. I got a text like this from my ex the about a month ago, I'm glad I'm not the only one.

    Also did you see Tom from Myspace now follows your blog!? Lucky the bathtub picture is a little risque I think I like the original better

  7. ahhh it's hard to know what to say to those kinda texts ....

    I changed my blog url p.s. to

  8. @JS, now now. Tom from MySpace has better things to do than read a blog.

  9. I love this! I'm glad you posted it. I've wanted to do something like this before. Just get it all off my chest! Great post!




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