How to break up the right way
Leo DiCaprio brought to you by the '90s

There's no happy way to break things off with someone. It doesn't matter how nice you are about it, he/she is still going to want to throw up and stun gun your heart every time your name is mentioned. No? Just me? All right.

You can choose your words wisely and think deep about it, but trust me, it won't matter once everything has been said. You said what you needed to say and now you're on your merry way of being a single white female on Congrats.

There are, however, ways you shouldn't break up with people:

1. Evaporating: If you think this really works, you're nothing short of a dumbass. Stopping communication (texting, phone calls, love letters), cancelling plans to hang, disappearing, changing your number, etc., isn't going to give the person who is in deep, emotional confusion with you—their soul mate (Oy vey)—the answer. Remember, you're their soul mate, so if you evaporate, they will evaporate with you. It's like Titanic: if you jump, I jump.

2. Saying you want a break but you really want a break-up: This never works! The sorry sap is asking a daisy "does she love me? Love me not?" while you're drooling over every person that comes into sight.

3. Deliberately doing something bad to make them hate you like CHEATING or worse, KILLING someone. Who would do such a thing? That is a just an extreme measure and you know better; shame on you and your un-willingness to just break-up.

4. Over a text, email or phone call: Well, it seems easier than coercing a person into thinking everything is fine and dandy when it's not, asking them to meet you at a park and then slowly pouring boiling water on them (it’s basically what you’re doing). Not only is breaking up over text's or social networks beyond disrespectful and impersonal, but it shows your character and what kind of insolent creature you are. Get off my blog if you've done this.

5. Around a significant time (anniversary, birthday or Christmas): When times are tough, I know it's hard to keep the fire burning, but wait until the candles aren't burning to burn everything else, please. Do you REALLY want to be that guy that dumped a girl on her birthday?

6. Changing your status on Facebook to single without talking to him/her. Seriously, are you 12?

7. Doing it on vacation or right before you go somewhere where you know you will be stuck together for hours. You are only doing this to yourself. You asked for it.

8. In public: Why? Because you're at the Olive Garden, you putz, and no one likes a crying baby when they're dining out let alone an adult. Although, I never really mind a total Jerry Springer style blow-out. So I guess if you're going to do it in public, make it outlandish enough so it's dinner and a show. Okay, I'm kidding, but not really.

9. Through a friend: It's such an immature move to break-up through a friend. What kind of friend would let their friend do that anyway? You need to reassess your life if you can't muster the courage to blurt the words "this isn't working." You should also reassess your friends’ ability to judge the severity of a situation.

Hopefully this opened some eyes. Like I said, that person will still loathe you, but at least they can still eat at Olive Garden without being reminded of your sorry ass.

Dear person who shall remain nameless,

I'm only writing this in hopes of opening your eyes to the rad personality you’ve acquired through your big-man-on-campus self-claim to fame.

When you contacted me to "catch up," a series of things ran through my head: I thought about posting fliers around your neighborhood with a photo of you and "missing man baby" in 72 font underneath. But I withheld. I also thought about responding to your little inquiry with a list of reactions like:

Thanks, but no thanks.
Wow, really?
Are you fucking insane?
H1N1 sounds like more fun than seeing you again.
You're pathetic.
Please delete my contact information.
I'd rather read the owners manual for my car for 24 hours than spend two hours listening to you talk about yourself.

But I didn't even react. Okay, I may be reacting now, but I don't give a damn.

So let me catch you up on something, bro.

You're better off with a girl who listens to Miley Cyrus and drinks Mikes Hard Lemonade. You won't have to spend as much money impressing her because a) she can’t get into bars, b) has no regard for the finer things in life like a nice cut of steak and a membership to Costco and c) she won't need more than two drinks to get her Girls Gone Wild status, so there you go.

You might want to work on yourself too. Asking people to do things for you because you're lazy won't teach you the difference between your and you're. I know paying attention to things you don't care about is a difficult thing, for you, but knowing how to properly structure a sentence is not that outlandish given your college degree; so again, teenagers may suit you better.

You should also know that in order to have any kind of relationship with anyone in your life, ever, you have to get to know them too; it's not all about you, all the time. But I guess in your case, it is.

I'm just helping you be the man you think you are.

With my semi-sincerest regards, good luck with life. You will find someone, somewhere, eventually. Bless her heart.




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