lips, dating sucks

Dating can really suck. You have to put up with crappy/awkward/cringe-worthy situations to get a handful of good ones you really hit it off with. The worst part? You can’t get those five hours of your life back and telling yourself “well, at least I gave him/her a chance” doesn’t make it better.

Here's why dating can/does suck (sometimes/all the time):

1. It can be really awkward: Going on a date with someone completely new is like going on a job interview. "Favorite movies?" I loathe this question. I go into an immediate blank state of mind where I forget everything I’ve ever watched and actually taken interest in. This question makes me want to say something really lame like Legally Blonde when I don't even like that movie but I saw it once and it was on TV earlier that day and it's the only thing that came to mind and now I just look like a bimbo idiot who has no depth.

2. You have to pretend you're really interested even if you aren't into horse races and cigars because you still have to order dessert or you just got to the after-dinner destination (hopefully not your bedroom, seeing it’s so soon/see: awkward silences).

3. There are dumb games. You wait around for a call or text even if you don't really want to see them again but you just kind of want to know if they still want to date you. Jerk, but it’s TRUE! But then when they actually rape your phone with texts asking when you two can hang out again, you get all Sweet Valley High saying "Oh my God, this person won’t leave me alone!"

4. You have to deal with pretentious people. For some reason, people really want to look good on the first date-this still baffles me-so they go around flaunting their list of accolades like they’re waving an American Flag.

5. Everyone who is in a relationship and all in looove and stuff wants to hook you up with their sibling/cousin/niece/nephew. WHAT IS WITH THIS? We-I-don't want your brother. That is, unless he's on the fairly attractive to really attractive side, over 24 but under 28, has a degree of some sort or at least likes to use fancy words and likes Art? No? Okay.

6. Everything can be there but there’s one thing off like they're too short or too tall or they can’t find humor in your sick wit. You can have everything in common, but that one little thing is enough make you want the check.

7. You fall for him/her and it’s all great and then it’s not all great. And then you're all hurt for three days and then you're all Ya-Ya Sisterhood and then you're all I-need-a-man and then you're all "fuck it: I’m eatin’ this ice cream ‘cause aint no man gon’ make me feel like I can't!"

8. You compare all the duds to one good one who wasn't even that good because you two just had a “connection” (because we block out the shitty stuff). Stupid.

9. It's hard to believe a person in line at Starbucks is being genuine when he tries to get your number. You have to wonder if he's doing this every morning to every broad or if he actually sees something in you after standing behind you for 27 seconds discussing your affinity for dark roast. What? We have to weed out the rotten ones.
Jersey Shore, The Situation

Don't bang your head into a wall that is pure brick and mortar because it will cut into your GTL'ing for ten days.

You don't always have to be tough, you gotta be real when you hurt (in reference to neck pain) and the gym will get you out of that remorseful, bridge-burning mess that you got into, dude.

If you walk by a church, wear more clothing.

God doesn't make all boobs.

An ultimate Guido toolbag wears headbands, tracksuits and/or Chapstick.

Vinny Guadagnino has his therapy license and knows what's up.

There are a lot of bitchy girls at Club 21, at night. It's just so annoying. Everybody just get away.

Snookie has feelings too and just wants to be loved.

A hickey from your "sister," isn't a hickey from your "sister."

An addiction to your Italian boyfriend’s penis is far worse than an addiction to heroine.

Intervention means that you're like, fucked up and you need help.

Friends don't let everything be cheese and daisies when things are bad.






I just turned 24 and never in a million birthdays did I think this was the age I would have one of those cliché, light-bulb-turning-on moments with a gospel choir rejoicing in the background while clapping their hands as doves fly from cages into a bright white escape.

Being in the twenty-something age range is weird. It's full of over-dramatic anxiety attacks, wondering if you’re working toward the right career, hoping you can pay your bills, figuring yourself out, trying not to catch STD's, and last but not least, a usually not-so-favorable dating record (me, me, me).

Admittedly, I have a history of dating gentlemen who reel me in like a white van with candy but can never seem to admit they don't really want to "be" with anyone. In no way does this stop them from being all up in my business acting as if it were some modern Shakespearian love story (minus suicides) wanting the whole sha-bang (all that good stuff but without the title), then disappearing (and often reappearing) only to confuse the hell out of me.

I used to classify them as "assholes who led me on," but now, I’m comfortable saying they were guys who "weren’t interested in me enough to be with me or weren’t at the right place in their lives to compliment what I needed, let alone anyone else for that matter." At least I wouldn’t wish it upon another girl friend.

You’d think I could figure it out at the time, the signs were all there hence them basically vaporizing into thin air. He-lloooooo Jessica. But I didn’t. I'm human.

I forgot about the things I'd stay privy to when it came to someone I’d allow into my life. I had little birds on my shoulders saying things like "no one is perfect” and “you have to give people a chance, even the ones you wouldn’t normally go for, otherwise you will end up alone (scary music)."

This led me to date/be entranced by guys who didn’t fulfill me in certain areas, didn’t allow me to by myself, weren’t on the same page of life as me, or were a little too Up in Smoke, if you know what I mean.

It was what it was. My young self with another young self. I can’t beat myself up over it. Although I’d like to go back in time, drag myself by my long hair and slap the living shit out of me.

Enough about me.

So this is a public service announcement to all you fine young thangs, me included, because I realized on or around my 24th birthday, that life isn’t about being in situations that leave you unhappy or frustrated. Especially so young.

If you want someone who is spontaneous, motivated and intellectual--whatever it is--then be with someone who is. It won't work in the long or short run if you try otherwise. Trust me.

You know yourself better than anyone. Respect yourself. It’s a matter of the heart.

It's kind of crazy waking up one day and realizing your big adult life is beginning, and knowing where you are is no longer where you used to be. But it just happens like that. Onward.

Get on with your bad selves and listen to this smooth jam.





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