How to have a friend with benefits

So you think you can have sex with your best friend, or that girl/guy who you just “joke” with? Hah. Get real. There are steps to this and only a select few qualify, see if you do:

1. It has to be with a person that meets the “unhealthy” relationship quota: a) emotionally uninvolved; b) just got out of a serious relationship and wants to avoid any “I love you’s;” c) someone who is very busy/traveling/career oriented and/or has no regard for settling down with someone.

2. There has to be a standard set. Obviously if you take this person on a date, you're sending mixed signals. But if you meet this person after 1 a.m. in a bar, and you’re both piss drunk, you obviously know it’s called getting-down-with-your-bad-selves.

3. You need to make sure you or the other party isn't a bunny-boiling jealous freak. It’s hard to tell, especially when it’s a stranger, but you will pick up hints. Basically, they say they are totally casual, but really, they want you all to their selves and think sex is the way to lock you down and toss the key. They will do anything in their power to get you. Aka, boil your kids rabbit (or yours, if you have one) or stalk every person of the opposite sex you talk to on some social network. Scary huh?

4. You have to state what it is: having sex with no attachments. Because admit it, you don’t want a relationship and definitely not with that person, otherwise you would be in a relationship with them, right? The number one mistake is people are not clear with what they want when they have sex/date/gaze into the eyes of someone drunkenly.

5. Do not cross boundaries. It's risky being too comfortable with someone you're sleeping with but don't want a relationship with. If you don't want a relationship with this person, sending flowers/holding hands/being there when they need a hug may be confusing. Sex + an emotional connection could lead to having real live, crush-like feelings for someone who really just wants hit it and quit it. Just saying. Keep it light.

6. Of course, there’s going to be complications. It usually ends up with one person having a crush on the other while the feelings aren’t reciprocated. Bummer. But, we are human. It's easy to say you can do this, but at the end of the day, each and every one of us is programmed to love in whatever way you do. #factsoflife

7. For the love of whatever god you believe in, play it safe. Use a condom. You aren’t monogamous; therefore, you’re probably having sex with half of your home town.

8. Have respect for yourself; never get involved or continue something you can’t look back on fondly. It’s no fun having negative memories after driving past something or hearing a song that reminds you of “that guy or girl.” If this type of relationship doesn’t work for you, get the F out of it. Don’t wade in the water. But if it does work for you: #7 #7 #7!

8/24/11

How to have a friend with benefits

Things I learned from Jersey Shore Season 4, Ep. 2

"If she got a basket on her bicycle, she's too young for you man."
"If she has parental controls on her TV in her bedroom, she's too young for you bro."

"If she only owns Snow White on DVD, she's too young for you man."

"If her Keds still light up, she's too young for you bro."

"If she still plays lazor tag, she's too young for you bro."

An Italian sausage isn't an Italian sausage.

If your name is Brittany and you're an American girl from Florida, you might want to change your name. And get tested.
If I get drunk enough in Italy, it won't hurt when I fall down repeatedly on concrete or fall down stairs. I will also wake up the next day thanking a higher authority that I "didn't fall last night."

To be a real Italian lady, you have to drink wine while cookin' dinner.

Strawberries and raspberries can be the same thing, almost.

Yellow jeans and blue tee's are so in.

Da Vinci (otherwise known as Michelangelo) painted the ceiling of the Vatican (which doubles as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel).
If I fight with my ex in a club one night, who goes by the name pimp-daddy-mac, I can get drunk the next night and make up, but only if there are white iridescent shades involved. Because only am I truly sorry for anything I do while drunk when wearing these.

A guy who tells me I am the most awesomist chick he's ever met after a night in a janky club, is a total keeper.
Getting fucked in the ass with a spiked bat is better than cuddling with your ex.

8/12/11

Things I learned from Jersey Shore Season 4, Ep. 2

Things I won't miss about college

1. The elevator door opening in the lobby to let 13 people get off, but the 45 people wanting to get on can't wait for us to exit. So they try to get on as we’re exiting. It just doesn’t work like that.

2. Greek week. Greek week. Greek week. Greek week. I don't want to join your Greek week.

3. Walking into an advisors office (true story), sitting down at her desk (won't name names) to ask ONE question about some paperwork. She wags her finger in my face. "Hold on." Picks up her phone. "Yeah hi. I am great and Oh, I found out my foot is fine. It's broken. The doctor said I just need to rest but the x-ray was no fun." Three minutes later. "Anyway, I have a student here....." I wish I were lying.

4. Not knowing if the hot guy on the bench next to you is 18 or in his twenties. You should label yourselves.

5. Togos. What the hell is up with my campus being so obsessed with Togos? It's everywhere. Every. Where. I don't want sandwiches anymore. I don't want cold cuts. I don’t want to be asked if I want pickles.

6. Every computer being occupied for Facebook chat and Farmville (do people even play that anymore or is that so last semester?) when I need to print off a 27-page-paper because my printer exploded the night before and class starts in three minutes.

7. I Walk into an office to turn in papers—just to turn in papers—and the receptionist is on her cell phone talking to someone about her kids playground at school for two minutes. Looks up and winks. Mouths that "she's sorry." Sad face. Hangs up. I hand her papers. Blank stares. I exit.

8. Having a hot professor who refuses to break the law and hit on his student. Don’t act like you didn’t think about it fellow female students.

9. Biker's running me over on campus because they feel it necessary to bike over grassy knolls where I walk to avoid sidewalks, where they belong.

10. Getting told something didn't transfer, something didn't count, something no longer exists, or something costs another $90 because they increased the price. Five minutes ago. And the sign is on the front door.

8/10/11

Things I won't miss about college

What I'm thinking when:

1: Someone remembers your name and you don't remember theirs: Shit, i wonder if I can get away with never knowing his name. Because I’m a big enough jerk to not remember his name when he introduced himself so if I just address him as "hey youuuuu," or "whats up buddy," he will never know, right? Maybe I can pick-pocket him and grab his wallet. Yeah, that's what I'll do. That’s definitely a good idea.

2. When someone doesn't respond to a text: Is what I said stupid? Am I annoying? Did I do something? I thought the joke was funny, right? RIGHT?

3. When I hear this song: Hell. Yeah. (raises hands, bobs head). On to the next everything. On to the next drink, page, outfit, bad habit, job, wireless provider, channel, house, city, insurance company, everything.

4. When someone tells you and another person that you two should date. When you're standing next to each other. And you're just friends. And you're in public: Laughter, giggles and don't make eye contact. This is awkward. I don't know what to do. I can't agree. I can't say "yeah right" because that makes me look like an asshole, if my laughing didn't already. So how 'bout them (enter sports team here)?

5. When someone tells me something looks bad on me: Well, thanks for the straight honesty, mom, but I need at least 12 more opinions before I stop wearing red lipstick and dye my hair brown.

6. When I get told I'm getting a raise: What? Shut your mouth. I want to hug you and kiss (not really, but kind of) you all while slapping you for waiting so long to do this. I am going to buy myself something really, really nice. Like next month's car insurance and maybe some fro yo, but this time fill it up all the way to the top and get extra animal cookies because I can afford to now. Oh yeah.

7. When a person gives weird hugs: Why is this always so awkward? Everything is normal when we hang out, but this person, who obviously hates hugs, insists on hugging every time we part ways. I don't want to do this anymore. Maybe we should just Skype?

8. When I get hit on by someone considerably older: Hmm. Eyebrow raise.Thanks, but you're older, much, much older. But you're pretty good looking for your age. I wonder what it would be like if I was one of those girls who dated an older man? Would people think I am a gold digger? Kids? No. I would look like the hired home-wrecking help.

9. When someone hits on me that is considerably younger: Awww, thank you (smile emoticon in my head). If you were older, maybe (but probably not). You are cute for your age. More mature than the other 17-year-olds, but you still have a curfew and a provisional license. I wonder how those teachers who end up on the news get away with it for so long?

10. When I see someone eating all alone (even if they want to be alone): That is just so sad. Maybe I should go sit next to her. Maybe I could be one of those totally progressive girls you read about in Sweet Valley High books who always rooted for the underdog. I bet that person just needs a friend. Oh, I finished my sandwich. Well, maybe next time.

11. When a song comes on by a band or group that is totally bad but I know all the words: Shoot, I haven't heard “wannabe” by the Spice Girls in so long! Dang, I used to love this song. Wow, I still know every word! EVERY. WORD. Oh my, I love this part. I am so downloading this when I get home. Cut to two weeks later of being obsessed with previously mentioned song.

8/2/11

What I'm thinking when: