Wednesday, July 6, 2011

How to tell you're dating a jerk

dating a jerk, ferris buhler

You know that asshole guy you've been dating that your friends keep telling you you're better than, deserve better than, look better than, are more literate than, etc? In case you didn't know, your girlfriends don't lie, Ya-Ya!

So hey, open your eyes and stop dating the guy who's probably a jerk if:

1. He tells you you could stand to lose a few pounds. Because he is clearly Mario Lopez and he clearly has room to talk as he orders a triple bacon cheeseburger with three sides of ranch. Extra fries. And extra ranch for those fries.

2. He doesn't bring you around friends, family, co-workers, public crowds, or daylight. 

3. He asks which of your friends you would have a threesome with, not so coyly implying he is the third in this alleged threesome.

4. Makes you pay for dinner because he "forgot his wallet." But he didn't forget his wallet when he bought tickets to see his favorite band yesterday.

5. Calls you dude or bro and says he is just so used to calling his dudes or bros "dude" or "bro," he forgets you aren't one of his dudes or bros.

6. Gets off during sex but doesn't return the favor because he thought the 15 seconds of stimulation he gave you was enough.

7. Publicly name calls/talks shit/and posts immature comments about his ex on Facebook because they aren't friends anymore online. You think it's funny? Just wait until you get deleted. It won't be so funny.

8. He ignores your texts or calls because he is "busy" for a whole day, or a week. Unless he is literally traveling to the moon, in a body cast or in jail, no one is too busy to kindly say they are busy and will get back to them later. Common courtesy.

9. He comments on your roommates boobs and how nice they are to you, his girlfriend. Ass.

10. Is 22, has two kids from two different girls, isn't with either one of them and doesn't pay child support let alone know their birthdays. In the words of Charlie Sheen, who is probably his hero, winning.


9 comments :

  1. hahaha I love the Charlie Sheen "winning" reference! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Does this make ME the asshole, for sharing this on Facebook while laughing hysterically in reference to my ex??? Hmmm.... lol great post! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jessica, your blog is amazing...I foresee hours of laughter in my future. #3,#8 and #9 ring some bells!

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  5. How about a casual reference that he would prefer someone ten years younger? I will never forget that one.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Winning? How is not supporting your child(ren) winning? Your children should be the most amazing thing in your life you shouldn't just know their birthdays but their favorite food, toys, bedtime story... you should no everything about them they are your child(ren), you are supposed to love them and care about them and enjoy spending time with them. Your child(ren) are not a burden but a constant wonder and joy to be around. Also I don't understand why you would say nasty things about an ex gf you loved her once, so things didn't work out and you got hurt that doesn't mean you can't treat her with respect and dignity by not talking about her behind her back. I guess I just don't understand other guys. Thanks for reading this -Aaron

    ReplyDelete

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