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Sometimes, sometimes, I find solstice in people I've dated; along with humor, nausea and depression. It's never easy being subtly reminded of that guy who never noticed you in 11th grade when you come across an old yearbook (see: teenage angst). Or seeing someone you were infatuated with go from you to someone new in a week over a stupid social network (see: hiding, deleting and no-good for you).

I don't enjoy being catapulted back to a time when happiness was relayed in who was asking you to prom only to find six years later, they now want to ask you to dinner after they retained the freshman 15 before dropping out of college (see: ship has sailed). No thanks.

I do, however, find that I learn a lot from these people of the past. Whether or not it's after I see an annoying status update putting their childish antics into perspective or it's just seeing the light at the end of the aforementioned tunnel; I kind of owe a huge thanks to them. Kind of.

1. There's always going to be that person it just never worked out with. Even though at the time, you thought the world of him or her (probably based off something dumb like the fact that you both loved orange sherbet ice cream). For whatever reason, it just never came to be. You ask yourself why, why, why and go over scenarios but to no avail. If something wasn't right, it wasn't meant. Just trust me.

2. The person who cheated on you, treated you like complete shit, or was just a huge dumbass and/or raging bitch (or all of the above) will always hold that special voodoo doll place in your heart, complete with pins and needles, but looking back, you can see the signs. You can see the red, burgundy and magenta flags. Now you know what to look for in the future as well as when to get the hell of there.

3. The one with the crush on you. This is the one who liked you but you didn't like them. It took convincing yourself and a few gin and tonics to finally see a future with this person (see: desperation, lonely, no back-bone, ego boosting self-depreciating adulterer). There's nothing more frat-like than stringing along someone who you know you wouldn't normally go for or don't feel deeply for. You don’t even like guys who wear polo shirts! Get real. Set them free. And hey, you never know what you were missing all along.

4. The one who "broke your heart." You think you're going to die. You think you're going to become a lonely old maid who drinks Ovaltine before going to Bingo every Tuesday. But really, you dipped your toes in the pond (see: awesome alliterations) and now you should be a fearless female/male. It's about learning, living, growing and loving. You name it.

So stop blaming and start thanking.
dating a jerk, ferris buhler

You know that asshole guy you've been dating that your friends keep telling you you're better than, deserve better than, look better than, are more literate than, etc? In case you didn't know, your girlfriends don't lie, Ya-Ya!

So hey, open your eyes and stop dating the guy who's probably a jerk if:

1. He tells you you could stand to lose a few pounds. Because he is clearly Mario Lopez and he clearly has room to talk as he orders a triple bacon cheeseburger with three sides of ranch. Extra fries. And extra ranch for those fries.

2. He doesn't bring you around friends, family, co-workers, public crowds, or daylight. 

3. He asks which of your friends you would have a threesome with, not so coyly implying he is the third in this alleged threesome.

4. Makes you pay for dinner because he "forgot his wallet." But he didn't forget his wallet when he bought tickets to see his favorite band yesterday.

5. Calls you dude or bro and says he is just so used to calling his dudes or bros "dude" or "bro," he forgets you aren't one of his dudes or bros.

6. Gets off during sex but doesn't return the favor because he thought the 15 seconds of stimulation he gave you was enough.

7. Publicly name calls/talks shit/and posts immature comments about his ex on Facebook because they aren't friends anymore online. You think it's funny? Just wait until you get deleted. It won't be so funny.

8. He ignores your texts or calls because he is "busy" for a whole day, or a week. Unless he is literally traveling to the moon, in a body cast or in jail, no one is too busy to kindly say they are busy and will get back to them later. Common courtesy.

9. He comments on your roommates boobs and how nice they are to you, his girlfriend. Ass.

10. Is 22, has two kids from two different girls, isn't with either one of them and doesn't pay child support let alone know their birthdays. In the words of Charlie Sheen, who is probably his hero, winning.


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Hey Eric,

Why would I think it's creepy that you saw me on your friends profile and felt the need to lurk my page and then ask me out over a social network when we never met? Isn't that what Facebook is for anyway? Making friends, bringing people together and hitting on strangers?

Why would I think it's creepy you have two girls in your picture that you probably a) are not related to; b) met at a frat party; c) think you can get with; d) never met before or after that night?

Why would I think it's creepy that you think by looking at my basically private profile that I have a good head on my shoulders?

Hell yeah I am down to get drinks! When and where? Because I too want to be glued to your right or left side like a trophy in your user pic. Let's do this. Pick a time and a place.

Get at me boyfrien'!

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