Sunday, May 8, 2011

Lyrics to get you through a breakup

Lyrics to get you through a breakup
Coolness brought to you by Ms. Debra Harry

No one likes being told in person or via text (it’s 2011, I've got to incorporate the times) any of the following: we should see other people, I love you but I'm not in love with you, I’m seeing someone else, I killed someone, oh and I cheated on you...with a guy, you annoy the crap out of me so pack your things and get out, and/or I have an STD. So you might want to go to the doctor.

(Deer in headlight look)

Here are eight lyrics that may or may not play in a girls (or guys, who knows) head somewhere between wanting to weep uncontrollably in the fetal position and wanting to find the home-wrecking whore who done it:

1. When you’re in that, “I’m single and ready to mingle; I am woman, hear me roar” phase:
Enter any song by any female recording artist or group (that you would never normally listen to) who has had a hit on Ryan Seacrest’s top nine and nine.

Here’s one to give you an idea:

“All my single ladies (yes, I went there), all my single ladies (and I’ll stop there),” (Beyonce, "Single Ladies").

2. When you’re midway through “I’m single and ready to mingle; I am woman, hear me roar” and you start missing that person:
“I could put my arms round every boy I see but they'd only remind me of you. I went to the doctor guess what he told me, guess what he told me. He said girl, you better try to have fun
no matter what you do. But he's a fool 'cause nothing compares, nothing compares to you,” (Sinead O’ Connor, "Nothing Compares").

(Sings dramatically alone in room while crying over pictures)

3. When you're in that phase of getting back together but then you break up again because during the missing stage you forgot how big of a D-bag they are:
"You know you want me baby, you know I want you too. They call me superman; I'm here to rescue you. I want to save you girl, come be in shady's world. Oh boy you drive me crazy. Bitch you make me hurl," (Eminem-because he makes angry music for angry people-"Superman").

(Sings angrily while throwing middle fingers up and breaking things)

4. When you got dumped and you’re like, totally “over it”:
“And I know that when I see you I'm going to die, I know I'm going to want you and you know why. It's going to kill me to see you with the next girl,” (No Doubt, "Ex-Girlfriend").

(thank you Gwen Stefani for the years of tears)

5. When you find out they are married, on Megan’s Law or wanted for murder:“It's like rain on your wedding day. It's a free ride when you've already paid. It's the good advice that you just didn't take. Who would've thought... it figures,” (Alanis Morissette, "Ironic").

6. When you find out you got cheated on, but then they got burned too so you’re in that “ha-ha, told you so,” phase:

“You spend your nights alone, and (s)he never comes home, and every time you call him all you gets a busy tone. I heard you found out what he's doing to you, what you did to me, ain't that the way it goes...” (Justin Timberlake, "What goes around comes around").

(Tauntingly sings to self while laughing uncontrollably)

7. When you’re just pissed, mad and don't care anymore:“I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday because you're evil and you lie. And if you should die, I may feel slightly sad (But I won't cry!),” (The Smiths, "Unhappy Birthday").

(Sings dramatically to self in mirror)

8. When you’re driving and suddenly this song comes on the radio; you haven’t heard it in years but suddenly, you see the sign and it opened up your eyes: you're over it:
“I saw the sign and it opened up my mind! And I am happy now living without you, I've left you, oh-oh-OH,” (Ace of mother fucking Base, "The Sign").

(Sings ecstatically to self in the car while driving through red lights due to fits of joy)

9 comments :

  1. hahahaha damnit. ace of base all up in my shit lately.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Humor

    Before I tell you the purple gorrila joke, here's a short joke...

    A five inch man was building his house. He decides to build it from
    bricks. So he figures he'll need 24 bricks to build his house. He goes
    to the store and finds he can only buy them by the dozen! So he buys
    two dozen Bricks. When he's done he doesn't know what to do with the
    last brick! So he thinks and thinks. Then one day, years later, he
    gets a brilliant idea: SO he takes the brick to the front of his house
    and Hurls it up in to the air as hard as he can!!!!!! LOL

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    ReplyDelete
  3. I enjoyed that, of course I started singing along! I think for sure Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats would make it on to my list. Oh and Bust Your Windows...I think that when heartbroken I go straight to attacking a guys car, go figure! xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. What a fab post!! I totally nodded my head along to them all like.. "Yep, you got it right there." Then you throw Ace of Base in the end!! Brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
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  6. This post definitely ranks high in my favourite posts ever.

    LOVE that Ace of Base was the last one :D

    ReplyDelete
  7. Just last week I was in angry girl/I'm so over it/he's a douchebag mode and I blasted Pink's, "So What?!" and "U & Ur Hand" through the house. It felt so good!

    ReplyDelete

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