If you think there's no one out there, at least you weren't living in the 80s. But I kind of like the guy who considers all women a goddess and wears a denim jacket. Holla atcha girl! I wonder where he is now?
Never trust a guy who

Ladies, trust me when I say the following, don't trust guys like this. And if you do, never say I didn't warn you:

Never trust a guy who is watching you from across a bar and licking his lips, wearing white overalls and a tie. Nothing good can come of this other than fake gold Rolex’s for the rest of your life. Unless you like your wrist turning green, do not make eye contact.

Never trust a guy with bad communication skills. See example:

"Hi, how are you?"

“Great.”

"......"

(this is the part where you reciprocate, you idiot)

There are proper ways to have conversations with people whether it's in person, through text, phone calls or effing messages in a bottle; unless you want to date a concrete wall, run as fast as you can.

Never trust a guy who can't talk about issues. No one likes a guy who can't fess up to his own shitty faults. His own mother doesn't even like him.

Never trust a guy who high fives with both hands after every shot. Unless you want to high five after every homerun, job well done and orgasm, don't give him your phone number.

Never trust a guy who can't understand words you use. Move along. You will be happier in the long-run.

Never trust a guy who won't venture; aka, stays close to home; aka, momma's boy; aka, she has him on one of those Disney tracking device cell phone plans to keep tabs on him 24/7.

Never trust a guy who hits on anything with a vagina regardless of age, interests or whether or not she has a pulse because believe me, one of those nights he hooked up with one and it may or may not of had a vagina and/or an STD. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Never trust a guy who talks about his ex a lot. No one gives a shit about her besides you so why don't you go to talk to her about her.

Never trust a guy (stranger) who strikes up conversation with you while basically sitting on your lap and then proceeds to stand so close to you (after you walk away and he finds you) that he is practically a handbag. It's not a good look for anyone and he is probably standing that close because he is hiding from the cops.

Never trust a guy who is still riding on the accomplishments of his younger days. If he hasn't grown up years after, he probably won't any time soon. You don't have time to waste. Get out of there.

Never trust a guy who answers his phone with "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude,” every time. It gets old.

Never trust a guy who only knows where the nearest drive-thru is. He will never take you on a proper date. You deserve better than Taco Bell.

P.S. I don't JUST rag on men (see these posts); but what do you expect from a heterosexual female?
Lyrics to get you through a breakup
Coolness brought to you by Ms. Debra Harry

No one likes being told in person or via text (it’s 2011, I've got to incorporate the times) any of the following: we should see other people, I love you but I'm not in love with you, I’m seeing someone else, I killed someone, oh and I cheated on you...with a guy, you annoy the crap out of me so pack your things and get out, and/or I have an STD. So you might want to go to the doctor.

(Deer in headlight look)

Here are eight lyrics that may or may not play in a girls (or guys, who knows) head somewhere between wanting to weep uncontrollably in the fetal position and wanting to find the home-wrecking whore who done it:

1. When you’re in that, “I’m single and ready to mingle; I am woman, hear me roar” phase:
Enter any song by any female recording artist or group (that you would never normally listen to) who has had a hit on Ryan Seacrest’s top nine and nine.

Here’s one to give you an idea:

“All my single ladies (yes, I went there), all my single ladies (and I’ll stop there),” (Beyonce, "Single Ladies").

2. When you’re midway through “I’m single and ready to mingle; I am woman, hear me roar” and you start missing that person:
“I could put my arms round every boy I see but they'd only remind me of you. I went to the doctor guess what he told me, guess what he told me. He said girl, you better try to have fun
no matter what you do. But he's a fool 'cause nothing compares, nothing compares to you,” (Sinead O’ Connor, "Nothing Compares").

(Sings dramatically alone in room while crying over pictures)

3. When you're in that phase of getting back together but then you break up again because during the missing stage you forgot how big of a D-bag they are:
"You know you want me baby, you know I want you too. They call me superman; I'm here to rescue you. I want to save you girl, come be in shady's world. Oh boy you drive me crazy. Bitch you make me hurl," (Eminem-because he makes angry music for angry people-"Superman").

(Sings angrily while throwing middle fingers up and breaking things)

4. When you got dumped and you’re like, totally “over it”:
“And I know that when I see you I'm going to die, I know I'm going to want you and you know why. It's going to kill me to see you with the next girl,” (No Doubt, "Ex-Girlfriend").

(thank you Gwen Stefani for the years of tears)

5. When you find out they are married, on Megan’s Law or wanted for murder:“It's like rain on your wedding day. It's a free ride when you've already paid. It's the good advice that you just didn't take. Who would've thought... it figures,” (Alanis Morissette, "Ironic").

6. When you find out you got cheated on, but then they got burned too so you’re in that “ha-ha, told you so,” phase:

“You spend your nights alone, and (s)he never comes home, and every time you call him all you gets a busy tone. I heard you found out what he's doing to you, what you did to me, ain't that the way it goes...” (Justin Timberlake, "What goes around comes around").

(Tauntingly sings to self while laughing uncontrollably)

7. When you’re just pissed, mad and don't care anymore:“I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday because you're evil and you lie. And if you should die, I may feel slightly sad (But I won't cry!),” (The Smiths, "Unhappy Birthday").

(Sings dramatically to self in mirror)

8. When you’re driving and suddenly this song comes on the radio; you haven’t heard it in years but suddenly, you see the sign and it opened up your eyes: you're over it:
“I saw the sign and it opened up my mind! And I am happy now living without you, I've left you, oh-oh-OH,” (Ace of mother fucking Base, "The Sign").

(Sings ecstatically to self in the car while driving through red lights due to fits of joy)

He may be hot, but is he really that great?

He's hot but...
Johnny Depp licking glass brought to you by Crybaby

A while back I did a post on Sheshotbut.com . Well, there isn't a He's Hot But (yet), so I just asked a bunch of girlfriends to give me some input on their own tribulations. Here's what they had to say:

HE'S HOT BUT, HE'S IN HIGH SCHOOL.

HE’S HOT BUT, WHEN HE COMES UP IN COVERSATION ABOUT STD’S, IT’S NOT A GOOD SIGN.

HE'S HOT BUT, WE MET AND 25 MINUTES LATER HE DROPPED SOMETHING ABOUT MOVING TO CALIFORNIA FOR ME.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE'S FROM ANTIOCH.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE HAS BABY MAMA DRAMA.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE TAKES PICTURES OF ME WHILE I SLEEP. NOT IN A CUTE WAY.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE WEARS COWBOY BOOTS. EVERYWHERE.

HE'S HOT BUT, I FOUND A LOT OF DISNEY MUSIC IN HIS CAR.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE HOOKS UP WITH ANYTHING WITH A VAGINA.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE NEVER SAYS THANK YOU.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE CRIED AFTER SEX (TRUE STORY).

HE'S HOT BUT, HE WEARS ED HARDY.
HE'S HOT BUT, HE'S INTO REALLY WEIRD PORN.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE SMACKS MY SHOULDER OR ARM WHENEVER HE HAS SOMETHING FUNNY TO SAY.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE'S A COMPLETE ASSHOLE TO HIS FAMILY.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE'S IN JAIL.

HE'S HOT BUT HIS DOG IS ALWAYS IN THE ROOM WHEN WE'RE HAVING SEX. IT'S WEIRD.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE NEEDS TO GET OVER HIMSELF AND STOP ACTING LIKE HE KNOWS HE IS.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE TAKES LONGER TO GET READY THAN ME.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE KEEPS TELLING PEOPLE HE'S DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE WHEN IT'S REALLY PICKING UP TRASH ON THE FREEWAY.

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