Friday, April 1, 2011

A public service announcement

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On behalf of a friend:

Once upon a time, she had a spring break in Las Vegas. Everything was good; everything was what it was supposed to be during a spring break: belligerent. It’s Vegas.

You meet people; you do your thing and go your separate ways, so it was normal that some dude who spotted her across the pool started talking to her. Little did she know he was going to be a stage nine clinger. Yeah, stage nine. The only reason he isn’t a 10 yet is because he hasn’t shown up at her house, yet.

So here it is. You’re probably a crazed motherfucker who needs a reality check if you:

Think you met your soul mate in Las Vegas. That’s not love, that’s Belvedere talking. Vegas is Vegas. Okay, so you might have something in common like your first words were "dadda" and you both have 10 fingers, great. But relationships that form in Vegas should never cross the state line.

Think if you put money down on a table for her, she will be swooned and want to jump your bones because you’re a “baller.” Uh, think again. This aint no Ocean’s Eleven fool. You aint no P.Diddy. She aint your J.Lo.

Form a fantasy of the two of you together after one day, I mean, a few hours: something a la white picket fence. Are you a 14-year-old girl in high school?

You continue to text her even after no response. Then call her, leave messages and then text afterward saying things like “what, no love?” And still, no response.

After her friend kindly breaks things off with you over a text the next day, you fire back with “sorry for being a creeper, thought you were different.” Damn right you’re a creeper. Did you think you were going to really start a long distance relationship with someone you met over booze and more booze?

She was the perfect girl for your Vegas weekend. She hung out, had fun and didn’t cling; every guys dream and then you screwed it all up moron. Maybe she shouldn’t have given you her number, but you seemed semi-normal for the most part. How was she supposed to know you’d get all Glenn Close on her?

I don’t know if you were planning a white wedding at the church of Elvis or what, but you are what women fear.

Oh, and texting her a few days after she, I mean me as her, blatantly told you she didn’t want to pursue anything further saying “are you still mad at me?” is a sure sign you have a screw loose.

Get back on chemistry.com (because that’s where the eHarmony rejects go right?) where you belong and stay out of Vegas. That’s no town for you. Is any town?

4 comments :

  1. Oh no he is definitly clingy!! You wonder how much you need to say to some people before they get the idea!!

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  2. that sucks. handing out phone numbers can be a bit iffy. i try not to...butttttt sometimes you never know. lol.

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  3. He shouldn't have entered at all, he doesn't belong to that place, go play somewhere else :)

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  4. I am not sure when these relationship roles switched. I want it to go back to the days of not wanting commitment from a vacation fling.

    i always chat about this with my friends (guys and girls) and we wonder when it became guys that started to cling and girls that can "hit it and quit it" in the most high schoolesque vocab I can use having just read or newest post.

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