If you haven't heard of the Gentlemen's Rant, it's okay, I hadn't either until three days ago. These "Sorry, it's over" videos from the female and male perspective are hilarious insights into what causes a relational breakup. I couldn't have said it better myself.

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Rebuttal!



Go to their YouTube channel for more videos. 

Tweet them @ooJLEoo
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Photo courtesy of Adam Cohen

You’ve heard of a fireman’s calendar, right? You know, that 12-month erotic wall ornament with shirtless men making fire hoses and other paraphernalia, ahem, naughty? Sure, those models are nice to look at, but wouldn’t it be nice to give 12 real men, with real jobs, and a real nice personality, a place to shine?

Look no further: the Nice Jewish Guys calendar is back for the third year featuring men you could take home to your mom. Adam Cohen, a tv producer whose latest project, Cupcake Wars on the Food Network, began this “crazy side project” two years ago and since then, nice Jewish guys have finally gotten the attention they deserve. I talked with Adam about the calendar, the guys and how he put it together.

J: I understand the calendar began in 2010, what sparked the idea?
A:
A joke sparked it; I was talking to friends about how all calendars have firemen or pin up hotties. Wouldn't it be hilarious if there were nebbishy Jewish guys like "David" (pronounced with an affected long island Jewish mom twang) and this guy is posing up on a rock with his button-up shirt, still holding his jacket. People thought it was brilliant and HAD to be done. As I got into it I started realizing it was more of a cultural comment and it became a more serious endeavor, yet still with good humor. What happened was that I realized I was now carrying the torch for all the nice guys who get passed up in the bar, are still good to their moms, and are a good catch, but the women just don't know it yet. As it started coming out I started getting tons of feedback from women who absolutely adore these guys. I never knew there was such a fetish for nice Jewish guys. Women of all religions were coming out of the woodwork.

J: What qualities make up a "nice Jewish guy?"
A: The look is important and I can't tell you what it is. I'll just know when I see it. But he's definitely not the sort of guy you'd point at and say, "you... you need to be Mr. September." It's quite the opposite.

I've had to talk a few guys into doing this and I think when I first started, a couple of the guys thought I was doing some weird porn. I convinced them it was on the level and I just wanted to put them in a calendar. There's also a, well, a nice quality to them: trustworthy, a good listener and a guy who doesn't realize that these qualities can be just as attractive as washboard abs and Brad Pitt looks.

J: How do you choose the guys in the calendar and where are they from?
A:
It's just a massive effort to find the right guys: some are friends of friends of friends, some answer Internet listings and others just find me; most are rejected. I can't tell you how many guys I get who are too good looking or just don't have "it." It's a mix. Yep, a couple more obvious hot guys but more straight up nice Jewish guys.

J: Are all the guys single?
A:
At shoot time they are single. Hopefully by the time the calendar comes out, they get snatched up.

J: Do you receive letters from women asking about the guys featured in the calendar?
A
:
All the time. I get emails from women in New Zealand asking, "where are the nice Jewish guys here?" I'm like gosh, I don't know, find a temple and hang out. Women have been super sweet and supportive of this project and I really feel like I touched a nerve. It's a niche that I intend on owning.

J: Have you ever matched any of the guys with a female hopeful?
A:
I really, really hope so.


J: I know women whose ears perk up after hearing a guy is Jewish. Do you think being a "nice Jewish guy" is a stereotype?
A: Yes, it is, but a stereotype that's positive. As a Jewish guy I'd like to own it and not feel like I'm not at the top of some woman's list BECAUSE of it. I think it's about time for us.

J: After two years, the 2012 calendar featured three months of Jewish girls; it's refreshing to see girls fully clothed in a calendar. So what makes a nice Jewish girl different from other women usually featured in calendars?
A:
Everything makes her different. As you pointed out: SHE'S CLOTHED. It ain't about what she looks like, it's about who she is. A nice Jewish Girl might be a Yenta; she might be the sweetheart who bakes fresh hallah for Shabbat. But again, she's got that "it" quality that you know when you see it.

J: It takes a nice Jewish guy to give credit to all the nice Jewish guys out there, do you consider yourself one?
A:
Sure, it takes one to know one.

J: Are you single?
A:
Happily married.

J: What do you want this calendar to accomplish?
A:
If this calendar can accomplish anything it would be my hope that women give this guy a chance out at a bar. He's funny, nice and a great listener. What's not to like!?


Check out the Nice Jewish Guys Calendar on Facebook!
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Since it’s December and all the single people out there are sick of seeing couples doing cute, couple-y things like ice skating hand-in-hand, making snow angels and drinking egg nog in front of a fire while gazing into each others eyes, I’m here to tell you that being single during the holiday season isn’t that bad.

I know all that stuff sounds like SO much fun, but before you write your “are you there Santa, it’s (your name here),” letter to some old dude who likes to rub his belly, read this.

It’s good to be single during the holidays because:

1. Think of all the money you're saving on gifts and now able to spend on yourself. Also think of all the coats you can buy at year-end sales! So many coats!

2. If you want to spread holiday cheer in bed with something new and festive, now’s the time to try that snow blowing thing you heard about. Because trust me, if you do it to your boyfriend, I’m pretty sure you will be single this holiday season (unless that’s your thing, I guess).

3. You can eat and drink whatever you want because you don’t need to worry about how you look in bed. So stop eyeing that gingerbread house and eat it already.

4. You've only just met that person you're dating, so what the heck do you buy them? Or do you buy them a gift? Wait, are they religious? Do they celebrate Christmas? Or do they hate the holidays because they had a troubled childhood? <-- did I stress you out yet?

5. You don’t have to pretend you like the scarf your boyfriend gave you. You saved money on not buying a gift for someone else so you can just buy whatever you want.

6. You can finally go to that naughty holiday party your deviant friends keep inviting you to. You know, the one where the girls wrap themselves as gifts but are just wearing bows around their chests?

7. There are tons of parties this time of year, so flirt your little heart out. I’m serious. Tape mistletoe to your hat. Why not?

8. You don’t have to worry about going to family parties for his or her side. Nor do you have to worry about buying gifts for people you don’t really know and aren’t sure if you will know next year. Ek.

9. It’s New Years Eve: be slutty. Okay, maybe only a little slutty.

10. If you’re one of those people who loves singing really good-bad Christmas songs at the top of your lungs: sing them. No one’s around to be turned off.

Feel better yet?
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There’s this Christmas video lurking cyberspace that left my mouth agape and stomach nauseated upon watching it. It's the video for "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber and I'm pretty sure it should just be called, "All I want For Christmas Is Justin. Love, Mariah."

While watching this, I couldn’t help but think that Mariah Carey has been having sweet, sweet fantasies (this is a serious joke, no pun) about this little tiger for some time now. It also led me to believe she probably coerced him into her dressing room with candy canes before filming to “rehearse.”

Here are my conclusions about this video:

The Mariah Carey in the beginning is actually her wax mannequin from Ripleys Believe it or Not.

Justin's friends clearly didn't believe he bagged Mrs. Robinson so they came to see for themselves.

Mariah Carey thinks it’s 1995.

Mariah was clearly told she was a cameo in a Juvenile video, hence the erotic bell ringing, body caressing and shaking of her ass against a wall. See this, this and this.

She’s definitely on the naughty list, as well as Megan's Law.

The fur-pleather-plaid-vest-jacket-thing he’s wearing is NOT helping the lesbian rumors that are circulating.

That jacket is definitely something from the AK Anne Klein collection in the women’s department of Macy's.

Pop stars who wear pleather knee pads on their pants are a huge success, well, for a short time. See this.

How does Justin hold a note so well while going through puberty?

Oh, it’s because they started synthesizing his voice.

He definitely got fresh with her. For sure. See this.

Nick Cannon doesn’t even know this video was made because he’s taking care of their children.

Nick Cannon doesn't even know she isn't home.

He definitely whispered sweet nothings into her ear in the sleigh after they eye fucked each other.

She has no idea how old he is.

He knows exactly how old she is.






Do you let your girlfriend/wife/mistress/fiance/old lady know too much? Do you have boundaries?

Red shirt guy says it's okay to tell his lady he wants to have sex with her friends, because it's brutal honesty and honestly, I think that brutal honesty is off putting. How many agree?

I would think that if a man tells a woman he wants to bang some of her friends, it would most likely cause problems; I'm sure the female would become hostile and who's to say what a hostile woman will do! Careful boys.

I personally don't care if a man notices an attractive woman because believe me, I notice attractive women and men, but I know not to drool on myself. To me, telling a woman what positions he wants to see her in isn't okay. Color me turned off.

Would you be okay if your girlfriend told you she wants to have sex with your best friend?

There should be boundaries. There should always be boundaries.

P.S. if you're in a serious relationship and so in love, and you're thinking about having sex with other women, men, whatever, maybe you should re-think your serious relationship.
turn offs, girl in bed
Photo by Glenda Garza

When you meet someone you click with, it’s like a flock of doves form a perfect heart in the sky. It’s like bells ring and you just want to do crazy things like shout from mountain tops. Well, don’t.

There are things that can ruin a perfectly good thing way before it even begins. TRUST ME. This is me, helping you: I want you to succeed, and quite frankly, I want to end this behavior.

How you will lose a girl in 10 days:

1. Sharing too much too soon: You just met, there’s no need to disclose how bad your day is or how much you hate your boss in the beginning. The last thing a girl wants is a big cry baby. Yes, we all have problems, but when you date someone new, things should be a little light and fun. Too much whining is a signal that you need a lot of consoling, and we're looking for a bf, not a child we have to mother.

2. Being clingy: Texting, calling, emailing, and Facebooking too much signals signs of neediness and codependency, two wrongs that don’t make a right. Just like men, women like the chase. If you’re in constant contact with us, there’s nothing there for us to guess about you. We want to wonder where you are. We want to wonder who you’re with. We like to wonder and if you're all up in our business, we can't do that. Things can burn out quickly if you’re talking too much in the beginning; take it slow. What’s the rush? Life isn’t THAT short.

3. Being negative: I don’t care if you have a constant rain cloud over your head, put up a front if you want to get a second or third date. You might be thinking that you should just get it all out there right away, but don’t. Like I said in #1, light n' fun. And hey, maybe all that positive thinking will help you out?

4. Talking about your ex: Ugh. It’s too soon to be talking about your ex or the ex before that. I didn’t ask and we weren’t talking about who we’ve dated. There’s no need to casually throw in “my ex had a Honda” or “my ex was a dancer.” A lot of people have Honda’s and a lot of people dance, not just your ex. Why ruin something new by talking about something old?

5. Over-sharing how much you like us too soon: It’s nice and flattering, but sometimes it can be a killer. Girls like to hear that we're pretty and cool and stuff, but smothering us with how MUCH you like us too soon is just…no. It’s infatuation, not love. Down boy!

6. Getting really, really drunk: #5 WILL happen and it will happen all over the place. It will happen in a doorway, on a couch and outside your car and when you finally realize why she isn't texting you back the next day, you will be embarrassed.

7. Begging: Never beg a girl to hang out. If she says she’s busy, she is (she IS). If she says she’s a lesbian, she isn’t (she’s a LIAR).

8. Admitting bad habits or information about yourself: Telling a girl you can’t save money, you eat with your hands or you have 10 speeding tickets is not so cute. Those are forgivable things once we get to know you and decide we want to throw you against a wall and have our way with you, but before that, there’s no chance.

I hope this helps. Don’t forget girls are just as bad, but there’s a movie about that already so this blog is totally justifiable.


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She's a high school dropout. She smokes Swisher blunts. She wears oversized gold jewelry and her hair is platinum one minute and multicolored the next. She’s tatted. Sometimes she’s straight, sometimes she’s not. She leads the "white girl mob." She raps crazy lines like "I'm rolling up my catnip and shitting in your litter.” She went after Rick Ross. Rick Ross went after her. She's an editor and a bay area rapper. She's accused of exploiting black culture. She's 21. She’s 5’1. She’s from Oakland. She's white. Who is this girl?

Her name is Kreayshawn, she's a self-made woman and I really like her. No, I’m not saying that I’m in my room curling my hair with a half inch iron, wearing hoodies under vests, applying press-on nails and rapping about a cat (well…). I’m saying she made herself into something she’s not supposed to be by society's standard and succeeded. She defies the white-girl norm, she’s entertaining, she’s petite, she’s crass, she’s from the bay, so YEAH, I like her.

Self-making can fall under two categories: becoming a successful individual from scratch (however you measure that) whether you’re homeless, poor, illiterate—whatever—or, making yourself over to fit a class you want to be a part (ie: cholita falsa, a white girl goin’ gangsta).

An article by Nell Berstein called “Goin’ Gangsta, Choosin’ Cholita” follows teenagers in Oakland who make themselves over to fit the predominant classes in their neighborhoods that happen to be black and Mexican. Of course, the social groups are stereotypes: baggy jeans, listening to suggestive music (not that I knock that, see: Ludacris), speaking a certain way, and often partaking in activities that mom wouldn’t approve of. Of course, not everybody wants to act all Boyz n the Hood, but this article proves that who you want to be and who you can become can be easily accepted today.

You can argue that telling millions of people you “smoke a million Swisher blunts” and you “aint ever comin’ down” is vapid, but someone can also argue that emulating a certain group or ethnicity is acceptance of race and culture today.

Bene Viera of Clutch Magazine stated how ironic it is that the white girl mimicking black culture has been viewed as quirky, cute, and interesting in the past but not anymore.

"Sister’s who fashionably rock bamboo earrings, gold nameplate necklaces, and blonde streaked weaves, will inevitably be considered “ghetto” by society,” said Viera. “It’s equally problematic that every female emcee post Queen Latifah and MC Lyte who has had massive mainstream success all had to sell sex. Kreayshawn, on the other hand, is able to avoid an over sexualized image because of her whiteness.”

Okay, so maybe all you’re seeing is that she had an upper-hand because she is white and had she been a black girl rapping about catnip, she wouldn't be nearly as successful. However, she isn't black, she's white, and white female artists sell sex too, but she isn't and she's workin' it. She made an impression in a genre of music without having to get all Lil’ Kim by opening her legs asking how many licks it takes to get to the center of….I’ll stop.

Maybe you don't accept Kreayshawn for personal reasons, but she is self-made. Identity is no longer a matter of where you come from, who your family is, or what religion you are. You could be just like her, Swisher blunts and all, I won't judge. Your success is measured in how much effort you put into self-making. You could be the Oprah Winfrey of self-making or the Kreayshawn. They both did it on different levels.

Hate her songs, hate her look, but don't hate her work ethic. Ghetto she may be in your eyes, she’s a self-made woman in mine. Ya-Ya!


How to break up the right way
Leo DiCaprio brought to you by the '90s

There's no happy way to break things off with someone. It doesn't matter how nice you are about it, he/she is still going to want to throw up and stun gun your heart every time your name is mentioned. No? Just me? All right.

You can choose your words wisely and think deep about it, but trust me, it won't matter once everything has been said. You said what you needed to say and now you're on your merry way of being a single white female on match.com. Congrats.

There are, however, ways you shouldn't break up with people:

1. Evaporating: If you think this really works, you're nothing short of a dumbass. Stopping communication (texting, phone calls, love letters), cancelling plans to hang, disappearing, changing your number, etc., isn't going to give the person who is in deep, emotional confusion with you—their soul mate (Oy vey)—the answer. Remember, you're their soul mate, so if you evaporate, they will evaporate with you. It's like Titanic: if you jump, I jump.

2. Saying you want a break but you really want a break-up: This never works! The sorry sap is asking a daisy "does she love me? Love me not?" while you're drooling over every person that comes into sight.

3. Deliberately doing something bad to make them hate you like CHEATING or worse, KILLING someone. Who would do such a thing? That is a just an extreme measure and you know better; shame on you and your un-willingness to just break-up.

4. Over a text, email or phone call: Well, it seems easier than coercing a person into thinking everything is fine and dandy when it's not, asking them to meet you at a park and then slowly pouring boiling water on them (it’s basically what you’re doing). Not only is breaking up over text's or social networks beyond disrespectful and impersonal, but it shows your character and what kind of insolent creature you are. Get off my blog if you've done this.

5. Around a significant time (anniversary, birthday or Christmas): When times are tough, I know it's hard to keep the fire burning, but wait until the candles aren't burning to burn everything else, please. Do you REALLY want to be that guy that dumped a girl on her birthday?

6. Changing your status on Facebook to single without talking to him/her. Seriously, are you 12?

7. Doing it on vacation or right before you go somewhere where you know you will be stuck together for hours. You are only doing this to yourself. You asked for it.

8. In public: Why? Because you're at the Olive Garden, you putz, and no one likes a crying baby when they're dining out let alone an adult. Although, I never really mind a total Jerry Springer style blow-out. So I guess if you're going to do it in public, make it outlandish enough so it's dinner and a show. Okay, I'm kidding, but not really.

9. Through a friend: It's such an immature move to break-up through a friend. What kind of friend would let their friend do that anyway? You need to reassess your life if you can't muster the courage to blurt the words "this isn't working." You should also reassess your friends’ ability to judge the severity of a situation.

Hopefully this opened some eyes. Like I said, that person will still loathe you, but at least they can still eat at Olive Garden without being reminded of your sorry ass.
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Dear person who shall remain nameless,

I'm only writing this in hopes of opening your eyes to the rad personality you’ve acquired through your big-man-on-campus self-claim to fame.

When you contacted me to "catch up," a series of things ran through my head: I thought about posting fliers around your neighborhood with a photo of you and "missing man baby" in 72 font underneath. But I withheld. I also thought about responding to your little inquiry with a list of reactions like:

Thanks, but no thanks.
Wow, really?
Are you fucking insane?
H1N1 sounds like more fun than seeing you again.
You're pathetic.
Please delete my contact information.
No.
I'd rather read the owners manual for my car for 24 hours than spend two hours listening to you talk about yourself.

But I didn't even react. Okay, I may be reacting now, but I don't give a damn.

So let me catch you up on something, bro.

You're better off with a girl who listens to Miley Cyrus and drinks Mikes Hard Lemonade. You won't have to spend as much money impressing her because a) she can’t get into bars, b) has no regard for the finer things in life like a nice cut of steak and a membership to Costco and c) she won't need more than two drinks to get her Girls Gone Wild status, so there you go.

You might want to work on yourself too. Asking people to do things for you because you're lazy won't teach you the difference between your and you're. I know paying attention to things you don't care about is a difficult thing, for you, but knowing how to properly structure a sentence is not that outlandish given your college degree; so again, teenagers may suit you better.

You should also know that in order to have any kind of relationship with anyone in your life, ever, you have to get to know them too; it's not all about you, all the time. But I guess in your case, it is.

I'm just helping you be the man you think you are.

With my semi-sincerest regards, good luck with life. You will find someone, somewhere, eventually. Bless her heart.

Jessica




lips, dating sucks

Dating can really suck. You have to put up with crappy/awkward/cringe-worthy situations to get a handful of good ones you really hit it off with. The worst part? You can’t get those five hours of your life back and telling yourself “well, at least I gave him/her a chance” doesn’t make it better.

Here's why dating can/does suck (sometimes/all the time):

1. It can be really awkward: Going on a date with someone completely new is like going on a job interview. "Favorite movies?" I loathe this question. I go into an immediate blank state of mind where I forget everything I’ve ever watched and actually taken interest in. This question makes me want to say something really lame like Legally Blonde when I don't even like that movie but I saw it once and it was on TV earlier that day and it's the only thing that came to mind and now I just look like a bimbo idiot who has no depth.

2. You have to pretend you're really interested even if you aren't into horse races and cigars because you still have to order dessert or you just got to the after-dinner destination (hopefully not your bedroom, seeing it’s so soon/see: awkward silences).

3. There are dumb games. You wait around for a call or text even if you don't really want to see them again but you just kind of want to know if they still want to date you. Jerk, but it’s TRUE! But then when they actually rape your phone with texts asking when you two can hang out again, you get all Sweet Valley High saying "Oh my God, this person won’t leave me alone!"

4. You have to deal with pretentious people. For some reason, people really want to look good on the first date-this still baffles me-so they go around flaunting their list of accolades like they’re waving an American Flag.

5. Everyone who is in a relationship and all in looove and stuff wants to hook you up with their sibling/cousin/niece/nephew. WHAT IS WITH THIS? We-I-don't want your brother. That is, unless he's on the fairly attractive to really attractive side, over 24 but under 28, has a degree of some sort or at least likes to use fancy words and likes Art? No? Okay.

6. Everything can be there but there’s one thing off like they're too short or too tall or they can’t find humor in your sick wit. You can have everything in common, but that one little thing is enough make you want the check.

7. You fall for him/her and it’s all great and then it’s not all great. And then you're all hurt for three days and then you're all Ya-Ya Sisterhood and then you're all I-need-a-man and then you're all "fuck it: I’m eatin’ this ice cream ‘cause aint no man gon’ make me feel like I can't!"

8. You compare all the duds to one good one who wasn't even that good because you two just had a “connection” (because we block out the shitty stuff). Stupid.

9. It's hard to believe a person in line at Starbucks is being genuine when he tries to get your number. You have to wonder if he's doing this every morning to every broad or if he actually sees something in you after standing behind you for 27 seconds discussing your affinity for dark roast. What? We have to weed out the rotten ones.
Jersey Shore, The Situation

Don't bang your head into a wall that is pure brick and mortar because it will cut into your GTL'ing for ten days.

You don't always have to be tough, you gotta be real when you hurt (in reference to neck pain) and the gym will get you out of that remorseful, bridge-burning mess that you got into, dude.

If you walk by a church, wear more clothing.

God doesn't make all boobs.

An ultimate Guido toolbag wears headbands, tracksuits and/or Chapstick.

Vinny Guadagnino has his therapy license and knows what's up.

There are a lot of bitchy girls at Club 21, at night. It's just so annoying. Everybody just get away.

Snookie has feelings too and just wants to be loved.

A hickey from your "sister," isn't a hickey from your "sister."

An addiction to your Italian boyfriend’s penis is far worse than an addiction to heroine.

Intervention means that you're like, fucked up and you need help.

Friends don't let everything be cheese and daisies when things are bad.






I just turned 24 and never in a million birthdays did I think this was the age I would have one of those cliché, light-bulb-turning-on moments with a gospel choir rejoicing in the background while clapping their hands as doves fly from cages into a bright white escape.

Being in the twenty-something age range is weird. It's full of over-dramatic anxiety attacks, wondering if you’re working toward the right career, hoping you can pay your bills, figuring yourself out, trying not to catch STD's, and last but not least, a usually not-so-favorable dating record (me, me, me).

Admittedly, I have a history of dating gentlemen who reel me in like a white van with candy but can never seem to admit they don't really want to "be" with anyone. In no way does this stop them from being all up in my business acting as if it were some modern Shakespearian love story (minus suicides) wanting the whole sha-bang (all that good stuff but without the title), then disappearing (and often reappearing) only to confuse the hell out of me.

I used to classify them as "assholes who led me on," but now, I’m comfortable saying they were guys who "weren’t interested in me enough to be with me or weren’t at the right place in their lives to compliment what I needed, let alone anyone else for that matter." At least I wouldn’t wish it upon another girl friend.

You’d think I could figure it out at the time, the signs were all there hence them basically vaporizing into thin air. He-lloooooo Jessica. But I didn’t. I'm human.

I forgot about the things I'd stay privy to when it came to someone I’d allow into my life. I had little birds on my shoulders saying things like "no one is perfect” and “you have to give people a chance, even the ones you wouldn’t normally go for, otherwise you will end up alone (scary music)."

This led me to date/be entranced by guys who didn’t fulfill me in certain areas, didn’t allow me to by myself, weren’t on the same page of life as me, or were a little too Up in Smoke, if you know what I mean.

It was what it was. My young self with another young self. I can’t beat myself up over it. Although I’d like to go back in time, drag myself by my long hair and slap the living shit out of me.

Enough about me.

So this is a public service announcement to all you fine young thangs, me included, because I realized on or around my 24th birthday, that life isn’t about being in situations that leave you unhappy or frustrated. Especially so young.

If you want someone who is spontaneous, motivated and intellectual--whatever it is--then be with someone who is. It won't work in the long or short run if you try otherwise. Trust me.

You know yourself better than anyone. Respect yourself. It’s a matter of the heart.

It's kind of crazy waking up one day and realizing your big adult life is beginning, and knowing where you are is no longer where you used to be. But it just happens like that. Onward.

Get on with your bad selves and listen to this smooth jam.







So you think you can have sex with your best friend, or that girl/guy who you just “joke” with? Hah. Get real. There are steps to this and only a select few qualify, see if you do:

1. It has to be with a person that meets the “unhealthy” relationship quota: a) emotionally uninvolved; b) just got out of a serious relationship and wants to avoid any “I love you’s;” c) someone who is very busy/traveling/career oriented and/or has no regard for settling down with someone.

2. There has to be a standard set. Obviously if you take this person on a date, you're sending mixed signals. But if you meet this person after 1 a.m. in a bar, and you’re both piss drunk, you obviously know it’s called getting-down-with-your-bad-selves.

3. You need to make sure you or the other party isn't a bunny-boiling jealous freak. It’s hard to tell, especially when it’s a stranger, but you will pick up hints. Basically, they say they are totally casual, but really, they want you all to their selves and think sex is the way to lock you down and toss the key. They will do anything in their power to get you. Aka, boil your kids rabbit (or yours, if you have one) or stalk every person of the opposite sex you talk to on some social network. Scary huh?

4. You have to state what it is: having sex with no attachments. Because admit it, you don’t want a relationship and definitely not with that person, otherwise you would be in a relationship with them, right? The number one mistake is people are not clear with what they want when they have sex/date/gaze into the eyes of someone drunkenly.

5. Do not cross boundaries. It's risky being too comfortable with someone you're sleeping with but don't want a relationship with. If you don't want a relationship with this person, sending flowers/holding hands/being there when they need a hug may be confusing. Sex + an emotional connection could lead to having real live, crush-like feelings for someone who really just wants hit it and quit it. Just saying. Keep it light.

6. Of course, there’s going to be complications. It usually ends up with one person having a crush on the other while the feelings aren’t reciprocated. Bummer. But, we are human. It's easy to say you can do this, but at the end of the day, each and every one of us is programmed to love in whatever way you do. #factsoflife

7. For the love of whatever god you believe in, play it safe. Use a condom. You aren’t monogamous; therefore, you’re probably having sex with half of your home town.

8. Have respect for yourself; never get involved or continue something you can’t look back on fondly. It’s no fun having negative memories after driving past something or hearing a song that reminds you of “that guy or girl.” If this type of relationship doesn’t work for you, get the F out of it. Don’t wade in the water. But if it does work for you: #7 #7 #7!
Snooki Jersey Shore



"If she got a basket on her bicycle, she's too young for you man."
"If she has parental controls on her TV in her bedroom, she's too young for you bro."

"If she only owns Snow White on DVD, she's too young for you man."

"If her Keds still light up, she's too young for you bro."

"If she still plays lazor tag, she's too young for you bro."

An Italian sausage isn't an Italian sausage.

If your name is Brittany and you're an American girl from Florida, you might want to change your name. And get tested.
If I get drunk enough in Italy, it won't hurt when I fall down repeatedly on concrete or fall down stairs. I will also wake up the next day thanking a higher authority that I "didn't fall last night."

To be a real Italian lady, you have to drink wine while cookin' dinner.

Strawberries and raspberries can be the same thing, almost.

Yellow jeans and blue tee's are so in.

Da Vinci (otherwise known as Michelangelo) painted the ceiling of the Vatican (which doubles as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel).
If I fight with my ex in a club one night, who goes by the name pimp-daddy-mac, I can get drunk the next night and make up, but only if there are white iridescent shades involved. Because only am I truly sorry for anything I do while drunk when wearing these.

A guy who tells me I am the most awesomist chick he's ever met after a night in a janky club, is a total keeper.
Getting fucked in the ass with a spiked bat is better than cuddling with your ex.


1. The elevator door opening in the lobby to let 13 people get off, but the 45 people wanting to get on can't wait for us to exit. So they try to get on as we’re exiting. It just doesn’t work like that.

2. Greek week. Greek week. Greek week. Greek week. I don't want to join your Greek week.

3. Walking into an advisors office (true story), sitting down at her desk (won't name names) to ask ONE question about some paperwork. She wags her finger in my face. "Hold on." Picks up her phone. "Yeah hi. I am great and Oh, I found out my foot is fine. It's broken. The doctor said I just need to rest but the x-ray was no fun." Three minutes later. "Anyway, I have a student here....." I wish I were lying.

4. Not knowing if the hot guy on the bench next to you is 18 or in his twenties. You should label yourselves.

5. Togos. What the hell is up with my campus being so obsessed with Togos? It's everywhere. Every. Where. I don't want sandwiches anymore. I don't want cold cuts. I don’t want to be asked if I want pickles.

6. Every computer being occupied for Facebook chat and Farmville (do people even play that anymore or is that so last semester?) when I need to print off a 27-page-paper because my printer exploded the night before and class starts in three minutes.

7. I Walk into an office to turn in papers—just to turn in papers—and the receptionist is on her cell phone talking to someone about her kids playground at school for two minutes. Looks up and winks. Mouths that "she's sorry." Sad face. Hangs up. I hand her papers. Blank stares. I exit.

8. Having a hot professor who refuses to break the law and hit on his student. Don’t act like you didn’t think about it fellow female students.

9. Biker's running me over on campus because they feel it necessary to bike over grassy knolls where I walk to avoid sidewalks, where they belong.

10. Getting told something didn't transfer, something didn't count, something no longer exists, or something costs another $90 because they increased the price. Five minutes ago. And the sign is on the front door.
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1: Someone remembers your name and you don't remember theirs: Shit, i wonder if I can get away with never knowing his name. Because I’m a big enough jerk to not remember his name when he introduced himself so if I just address him as "hey youuuuu," or "whats up buddy," he will never know, right? Maybe I can pick-pocket him and grab his wallet. Yeah, that's what I'll do. That’s definitely a good idea.

2. When someone doesn't respond to a text: Is what I said stupid? Am I annoying? Did I do something? I thought the joke was funny, right? RIGHT?

3. When I hear this song: Hell. Yeah. (raises hands, bobs head). On to the next everything. On to the next drink, page, outfit, bad habit, job, wireless provider, channel, house, city, insurance company, everything.

4. When someone tells you and another person that you two should date. When you're standing next to each other. And you're just friends. And you're in public: Laughter, giggles and don't make eye contact. This is awkward. I don't know what to do. I can't agree. I can't say "yeah right" because that makes me look like an asshole, if my laughing didn't already. So how 'bout them (enter sports team here)?

5. When someone tells me something looks bad on me: Well, thanks for the straight honesty, mom, but I need at least 12 more opinions before I stop wearing red lipstick and dye my hair brown.

6. When I get told I'm getting a raise: What? Shut your mouth. I want to hug you and kiss (not really, but kind of) you all while slapping you for waiting so long to do this. I am going to buy myself something really, really nice. Like next month's car insurance and maybe some fro yo, but this time fill it up all the way to the top and get extra animal cookies because I can afford to now. Oh yeah.

7. When a person gives weird hugs: Why is this always so awkward? Everything is normal when we hang out, but this person, who obviously hates hugs, insists on hugging every time we part ways. I don't want to do this anymore. Maybe we should just Skype?

8. When I get hit on by someone considerably older: Hmm. Eyebrow raise.Thanks, but you're older, much, much older. But you're pretty good looking for your age. I wonder what it would be like if I was one of those girls who dated an older man? Would people think I am a gold digger? Kids? No. I would look like the hired home-wrecking help.

9. When someone hits on me that is considerably younger: Awww, thank you (smile emoticon in my head). If you were older, maybe (but probably not). You are cute for your age. More mature than the other 17-year-olds, but you still have a curfew and a provisional license. I wonder how those teachers who end up on the news get away with it for so long?

10. When I see someone eating all alone (even if they want to be alone): That is just so sad. Maybe I should go sit next to her. Maybe I could be one of those totally progressive girls you read about in Sweet Valley High books who always rooted for the underdog. I bet that person just needs a friend. Oh, I finished my sandwich. Well, maybe next time.

11. When a song comes on by a band or group that is totally bad but I know all the words: Shoot, I haven't heard “wannabe” by the Spice Girls in so long! Dang, I used to love this song. Wow, I still know every word! EVERY. WORD. Oh my, I love this part. I am so downloading this when I get home. Cut to two weeks later of being obsessed with previously mentioned song.


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Sometimes, sometimes, I find solstice in people I've dated; along with humor, nausea and depression. It's never easy being subtly reminded of that guy who never noticed you in 11th grade when you come across an old yearbook (see: teenage angst). Or seeing someone you were infatuated with go from you to someone new in a week over a stupid social network (see: hiding, deleting and no-good for you).

I don't enjoy being catapulted back to a time when happiness was relayed in who was asking you to prom only to find six years later, they now want to ask you to dinner after they retained the freshman 15 before dropping out of college (see: ship has sailed). No thanks.

I do, however, find that I learn a lot from these people of the past. Whether or not it's after I see an annoying status update putting their childish antics into perspective or it's just seeing the light at the end of the aforementioned tunnel; I kind of owe a huge thanks to them. Kind of.

1. There's always going to be that person it just never worked out with. Even though at the time, you thought the world of him or her (probably based off something dumb like the fact that you both loved orange sherbet ice cream). For whatever reason, it just never came to be. You ask yourself why, why, why and go over scenarios but to no avail. If something wasn't right, it wasn't meant. Just trust me.

2. The person who cheated on you, treated you like complete shit, or was just a huge dumbass and/or raging bitch (or all of the above) will always hold that special voodoo doll place in your heart, complete with pins and needles, but looking back, you can see the signs. You can see the red, burgundy and magenta flags. Now you know what to look for in the future as well as when to get the hell of there.

3. The one with the crush on you. This is the one who liked you but you didn't like them. It took convincing yourself and a few gin and tonics to finally see a future with this person (see: desperation, lonely, no back-bone, ego boosting self-depreciating adulterer). There's nothing more frat-like than stringing along someone who you know you wouldn't normally go for or don't feel deeply for. You don’t even like guys who wear polo shirts! Get real. Set them free. And hey, you never know what you were missing all along.

4. The one who "broke your heart." You think you're going to die. You think you're going to become a lonely old maid who drinks Ovaltine before going to Bingo every Tuesday. But really, you dipped your toes in the pond (see: awesome alliterations) and now you should be a fearless female/male. It's about learning, living, growing and loving. You name it.

So stop blaming and start thanking.
dating a jerk, ferris buhler

You know that asshole guy you've been dating that your friends keep telling you you're better than, deserve better than, look better than, are more literate than, etc? In case you didn't know, your girlfriends don't lie, Ya-Ya!

So hey, open your eyes and stop dating the guy who's probably a jerk if:

1. He tells you you could stand to lose a few pounds. Because he is clearly Mario Lopez and he clearly has room to talk as he orders a triple bacon cheeseburger with three sides of ranch. Extra fries. And extra ranch for those fries.

2. He doesn't bring you around friends, family, co-workers, public crowds, or daylight. 

3. He asks which of your friends you would have a threesome with, not so coyly implying he is the third in this alleged threesome.

4. Makes you pay for dinner because he "forgot his wallet." But he didn't forget his wallet when he bought tickets to see his favorite band yesterday.

5. Calls you dude or bro and says he is just so used to calling his dudes or bros "dude" or "bro," he forgets you aren't one of his dudes or bros.

6. Gets off during sex but doesn't return the favor because he thought the 15 seconds of stimulation he gave you was enough.

7. Publicly name calls/talks shit/and posts immature comments about his ex on Facebook because they aren't friends anymore online. You think it's funny? Just wait until you get deleted. It won't be so funny.

8. He ignores your texts or calls because he is "busy" for a whole day, or a week. Unless he is literally traveling to the moon, in a body cast or in jail, no one is too busy to kindly say they are busy and will get back to them later. Common courtesy.

9. He comments on your roommates boobs and how nice they are to you, his girlfriend. Ass.

10. Is 22, has two kids from two different girls, isn't with either one of them and doesn't pay child support let alone know their birthdays. In the words of Charlie Sheen, who is probably his hero, winning.


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Hey Eric,

Why would I think it's creepy that you saw me on your friends profile and felt the need to lurk my page and then ask me out over a social network when we never met? Isn't that what Facebook is for anyway? Making friends, bringing people together and hitting on strangers?

Why would I think it's creepy you have two girls in your picture that you probably a) are not related to; b) met at a frat party; c) think you can get with; d) never met before or after that night?

Why would I think it's creepy that you think by looking at my basically private profile that I have a good head on my shoulders?

Hell yeah I am down to get drinks! When and where? Because I too want to be glued to your right or left side like a trophy in your user pic. Let's do this. Pick a time and a place.

Get at me boyfrien'!
Special thanks to the hard working people at The Printed Blog Magazine who have been featuring my work in a few of their issues.

If you fine people haven't checked out The Printed Blog Magazine, you should. They feature some wonderful photographers and bloggers, but on paper. I know, right?




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You're probably dating a bitch if


You're with your friends and you say "hey is it cool if ________ comes over?" and all your friends suddenly make up an excuse to leave or there is a unanimous sigh. It’s probably because your girlfriend is a bitch.

And, you're probably dating a bitch if:

1. She makes fun of you in a non-cute, non-joking way. Direct jabs are unattractive, especially if she can’t reciprocate the same dishing.

2. You take her out to dinner and she doesn't eat and/or asks if you really want to order what you ordered and/or only orders chicken broth and vegetables. No one likes a bitch, and a starving, skinny bitch is worse.

3. She talks crap on her friends and/or your friends and/or the guy ringing up her groceries. I mean, every now and then, people need to vent, but when a toddler looks at her wrong and she gets all Lisa Left Eye Lopez on it, it's not so chill, dude.

4. She never offers to pay, unless she's buying something for herself, in which she doesn't ask if you'd like something. Rude.

5. She sits in the car or stands at doors because she thinks she is part of the royal family and should be waited on like the un-princess she is. Yeah, you should open doors for ladies for the first 19 dates, rough estimate, but after that, every now and then, it's cool if it slips. Let her sit in the car.

6. She always changes the song you choose. What a bitch.

7. She is checking herself out in the back of your iPod, a tinted truck window or her knife at dinner. She's so vain, and she probably thinks your iPhone is a mirror.

8. Instead of receiving text's asking your how your day is, it's her bitching about her work day or how some jerk parked in her spot. This will never stop. She's a bitch.

9. She starts stories with "when I was homecoming queen in high school..."

10. She has pictures of just herself in her room or around her home. If you walk in her house and there are glamour shots of her framed hanging over the fireplace or she has oil paintings of herself on a fur rug in the hallway, get the F out of there. She loves herself way too much.

11. When you mention your mom’s name or your best friends name and she says "who's that?" It's because every time you have ever talked about them, she's counting calories in her head. She's a bitch.

12. Whenever you mention a girl, she asks: "Is she hot? Did you date her? Do you want to date her?" But it’s perfectly okay if she hangs out with guys. Nine of them. And three are her exes.

13. She’s a cadaver in the bedroom. She gets hers and then she checks her blackberry. Either get used to it, or get rid of it.

14. She doesn't smile, ever. Not even at kittens or children. She's a coldhearted bitch.

15. She un-tags herself in any picture she is tagged in on any social network and only uploads pictures she looks good in. Even if it's detrimental to someone else’s reputation and possibly cause them to lose a job or a husband. Be weary. She’s a bitch.

How to deal with rejection


So you met some girl or guy at a bar, on the bus or at a friends quinceanera, whatever, and things didn't turn out in your favor. Or the person you were dating dumped you. Ouch. Rejection is not exactly a feel-good-past-time.

Speaking as someone who has been rejected (neck roll, eye rolls) and done the rejecting (snaps fingers), I know both sides of the story.

I know what it feels like to have your stomach drop when someone utters the daunting words you fear and loath, even if you do see it coming, as well as the feeling of having to let someone down, and hope they don't think you're the worst person to ever walk this earth.

I know you want to publicly berate a person over a 140 character status update, text all your friends that a certain someone has STDs and whine about how you will die a lonely cat lady, but fight the urge, my friends, because I have news for you: sometimes usually, rejection is a good thing.


Yes, it's an ego blow. Yes, it makes you feel like there's something wrong with you, yes, it makes you second guess everything you say or do, but, when it comes down to it, it's a momentary glitch in life that doesn't define you.

If you're getting bent up over the fact that you approached a hot guy/girl at a bar and he said no to hanging out, keep in mind it was a stranger. You knew the person for a few seconds. Maybe she was an ex-con with a raging drug addiction or the guy was a pathological liar. You are most likely better off.

If you got rejected because the other person is dating someone, married or a priest, you didn't get rejected. Hello! But, if you were having an affair or some unlawful and un-churchly encounters with one of the three, and you got rejected, well, yeah, that's rejection. So take that as a lesson: you shouldn't have been doing it anyway.

Maybe you got dumped by your girl/boyfriend because they don't love/like you anymore, or don't love you as much as you love them. It's not you, it's them, and guess what? They saved you from a world of hurt down the road when it would have sucked even more to get dumped after say, having kids! And guess what else? Earth is pretty populated with extremely good looking people, duhhh. So cry about it for a minute, eat an ice cream sandwich, and, if you have to, watch some really good/bad reality TV, then move along.

Sometimes you get rejected and it has nothing to do with you as a person, it’s totally the other party. Maybe you're both at different places in life or maybe you're just not the "one." What can you do? I'll tell you, take it all in, understand why it happened and that this is a sign you should be with someone else, accept it, and move on.

So next time you're about to jump to the conclusion that the person is a complete worthless jerk, simmer down girlfriend! You’re only hurting yourself.

Oh, and get off your Facebook, people. You're annoying all your friends with petty status updates about how "he aint no man of yours," or "women are all bitches." Thems fightin’ words, and not the good kind.
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Seven girls walk into a bar. A bar consisting of a five to one male ratio. We were in for it. I know.

It's the kind of bar where there's a tiny dance floor playing reggaeton and Britney Spears in one corner and all 7% of the girls are dancing while about 70% of the men are huddled around nodding and doing up-down's on each one.

I gave in (this doesn't leave this blog)-for half a song-until I realized I needed more alcohol to turn me into the Saturday Night Fever that seemed to consume all my friends.

I back away with friend #1. We get drinks. We drink. We drink faster. We pray it gives us the momentum to get down with our bad selves.

We squeeze through grabby hands to get back to friends three through seven.

My drink gets spilt all over me by some girl who thought she was in a J.Lo video.

I stand still for a second until I realize the drink was two bucks. And life goes on. And I hate J.Lo.

My phone goes off so I reverse from waving arms and whipping hair.

As I'm standing against the bar, I feel a hand grab my waist and squeeze.

I knew it wasn't one of my friends, at least not this time.

I turn to my left.

Flat billed hat with sticker on it, check. Four inches shorter than me, check. Grinning so much I thought his eyes were going to explode, check.

I just stare. He just stands there...waiting.

(Insert disgusting look)

(Insert incessant grinning)

No.

Of course, this shitty bar has one bathroom and every woman in the bar was in line for it.

As the door opens each time, all I can see are a mess of girls talking shit on their friends who aren't in the bathroom while others are putting makeup on each other and some are texting. All in a single bathroom. While the rest of us are ready to just die.

So we book it to a place that understands a one-stall women's restroom is the stupidest decision for any bar owner. Ever.

Time passes. What seems like an hour is only ten minutes.

Next bar.

Last bar.

Lines. Why? This isn't Hollywood.

We all get in. Only after a fight with a stranger in line about so and so's something or other.

We grab some booths. We get drinks. It's packed. It was like Club Deviate meets taco Tuesday.

Is the DJ wearing a Lucha Libre mask?

Why are there balloons here?

Did we crash a birthday party?

Confusion occurs. I wanted to click my heels. But they weren't heels. They were flats. And they weren't red. They were blue.

Some of my friends go to another table while I stay with one who came later. He (the "he" part is important shortly) gets up to get a drink and close the tab.

I look down for what must have been a second and five guys swarm in the booth.

Really?

"Please leave."

"No."

"Go away."

"No."

Friend comes back. Looks of more confusion. I know what this looks like, but help?

"Seriously, go away, this seat is taken."

"Okay, okay, okay. But can I get your number?"

So smooth. So debonair.

I wonder how many numbers are in this person’s phone as "random girl at bar who I think had blonde hair, I think."

They leave; pissed of course. Idiots.

I'm sure they prowled the room for more girls who would be left alone for a mere minute.

Last call.

Girls leave bar, at least what's left of them.

If you think there's no one out there, at least you weren't living in the 80s. But I kind of like the guy who considers all women a goddess and wears a denim jacket. Holla atcha girl! I wonder where he is now?
Never trust a guy who

Ladies, trust me when I say the following, don't trust guys like this. And if you do, never say I didn't warn you:

Never trust a guy who is watching you from across a bar and licking his lips, wearing white overalls and a tie. Nothing good can come of this other than fake gold Rolex’s for the rest of your life. Unless you like your wrist turning green, do not make eye contact.

Never trust a guy with bad communication skills. See example:

"Hi, how are you?"

“Great.”

"......"

(this is the part where you reciprocate, you idiot)

There are proper ways to have conversations with people whether it's in person, through text, phone calls or effing messages in a bottle; unless you want to date a concrete wall, run as fast as you can.

Never trust a guy who can't talk about issues. No one likes a guy who can't fess up to his own shitty faults. His own mother doesn't even like him.

Never trust a guy who high fives with both hands after every shot. Unless you want to high five after every homerun, job well done and orgasm, don't give him your phone number.

Never trust a guy who can't understand words you use. Move along. You will be happier in the long-run.

Never trust a guy who won't venture; aka, stays close to home; aka, momma's boy; aka, she has him on one of those Disney tracking device cell phone plans to keep tabs on him 24/7.

Never trust a guy who hits on anything with a vagina regardless of age, interests or whether or not she has a pulse because believe me, one of those nights he hooked up with one and it may or may not of had a vagina and/or an STD. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Never trust a guy who talks about his ex a lot. No one gives a shit about her besides you so why don't you go to talk to her about her.

Never trust a guy (stranger) who strikes up conversation with you while basically sitting on your lap and then proceeds to stand so close to you (after you walk away and he finds you) that he is practically a handbag. It's not a good look for anyone and he is probably standing that close because he is hiding from the cops.

Never trust a guy who is still riding on the accomplishments of his younger days. If he hasn't grown up years after, he probably won't any time soon. You don't have time to waste. Get out of there.

Never trust a guy who answers his phone with "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude,” every time. It gets old.

Never trust a guy who only knows where the nearest drive-thru is. He will never take you on a proper date. You deserve better than Taco Bell.

P.S. I don't JUST rag on men (see these posts); but what do you expect from a heterosexual female?
Lyrics to get you through a breakup
Coolness brought to you by Ms. Debra Harry

No one likes being told in person or via text (it’s 2011, I've got to incorporate the times) any of the following: we should see other people, I love you but I'm not in love with you, I’m seeing someone else, I killed someone, oh and I cheated on you...with a guy, you annoy the crap out of me so pack your things and get out, and/or I have an STD. So you might want to go to the doctor.

(Deer in headlight look)

Here are eight lyrics that may or may not play in a girls (or guys, who knows) head somewhere between wanting to weep uncontrollably in the fetal position and wanting to find the home-wrecking whore who done it:

1. When you’re in that, “I’m single and ready to mingle; I am woman, hear me roar” phase:
Enter any song by any female recording artist or group (that you would never normally listen to) who has had a hit on Ryan Seacrest’s top nine and nine.

Here’s one to give you an idea:

“All my single ladies (yes, I went there), all my single ladies (and I’ll stop there),” (Beyonce, "Single Ladies").

2. When you’re midway through “I’m single and ready to mingle; I am woman, hear me roar” and you start missing that person:
“I could put my arms round every boy I see but they'd only remind me of you. I went to the doctor guess what he told me, guess what he told me. He said girl, you better try to have fun
no matter what you do. But he's a fool 'cause nothing compares, nothing compares to you,” (Sinead O’ Connor, "Nothing Compares").

(Sings dramatically alone in room while crying over pictures)

3. When you're in that phase of getting back together but then you break up again because during the missing stage you forgot how big of a D-bag they are:
"You know you want me baby, you know I want you too. They call me superman; I'm here to rescue you. I want to save you girl, come be in shady's world. Oh boy you drive me crazy. Bitch you make me hurl," (Eminem-because he makes angry music for angry people-"Superman").

(Sings angrily while throwing middle fingers up and breaking things)

4. When you got dumped and you’re like, totally “over it”:
“And I know that when I see you I'm going to die, I know I'm going to want you and you know why. It's going to kill me to see you with the next girl,” (No Doubt, "Ex-Girlfriend").

(thank you Gwen Stefani for the years of tears)

5. When you find out they are married, on Megan’s Law or wanted for murder:“It's like rain on your wedding day. It's a free ride when you've already paid. It's the good advice that you just didn't take. Who would've thought... it figures,” (Alanis Morissette, "Ironic").

6. When you find out you got cheated on, but then they got burned too so you’re in that “ha-ha, told you so,” phase:

“You spend your nights alone, and (s)he never comes home, and every time you call him all you gets a busy tone. I heard you found out what he's doing to you, what you did to me, ain't that the way it goes...” (Justin Timberlake, "What goes around comes around").

(Tauntingly sings to self while laughing uncontrollably)

7. When you’re just pissed, mad and don't care anymore:“I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday because you're evil and you lie. And if you should die, I may feel slightly sad (But I won't cry!),” (The Smiths, "Unhappy Birthday").

(Sings dramatically to self in mirror)

8. When you’re driving and suddenly this song comes on the radio; you haven’t heard it in years but suddenly, you see the sign and it opened up your eyes: you're over it:
“I saw the sign and it opened up my mind! And I am happy now living without you, I've left you, oh-oh-OH,” (Ace of mother fucking Base, "The Sign").

(Sings ecstatically to self in the car while driving through red lights due to fits of joy)

He may be hot, but is he really that great?

He's hot but...
Johnny Depp licking glass brought to you by Crybaby

A while back I did a post on Sheshotbut.com . Well, there isn't a He's Hot But (yet), so I just asked a bunch of girlfriends to give me some input on their own tribulations. Here's what they had to say:

HE'S HOT BUT, HE'S IN HIGH SCHOOL.

HE’S HOT BUT, WHEN HE COMES UP IN COVERSATION ABOUT STD’S, IT’S NOT A GOOD SIGN.

HE'S HOT BUT, WE MET AND 25 MINUTES LATER HE DROPPED SOMETHING ABOUT MOVING TO CALIFORNIA FOR ME.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE'S FROM ANTIOCH.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE HAS BABY MAMA DRAMA.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE TAKES PICTURES OF ME WHILE I SLEEP. NOT IN A CUTE WAY.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE WEARS COWBOY BOOTS. EVERYWHERE.

HE'S HOT BUT, I FOUND A LOT OF DISNEY MUSIC IN HIS CAR.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE HOOKS UP WITH ANYTHING WITH A VAGINA.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE NEVER SAYS THANK YOU.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE CRIED AFTER SEX (TRUE STORY).

HE'S HOT BUT, HE WEARS ED HARDY.
HE'S HOT BUT, HE'S INTO REALLY WEIRD PORN.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE SMACKS MY SHOULDER OR ARM WHENEVER HE HAS SOMETHING FUNNY TO SAY.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE'S A COMPLETE ASSHOLE TO HIS FAMILY.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE'S IN JAIL.

HE'S HOT BUT HIS DOG IS ALWAYS IN THE ROOM WHEN WE'RE HAVING SEX. IT'S WEIRD.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE NEEDS TO GET OVER HIMSELF AND STOP ACTING LIKE HE KNOWS HE IS.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE TAKES LONGER TO GET READY THAN ME.

HE'S HOT BUT, HE KEEPS TELLING PEOPLE HE'S DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE WHEN IT'S REALLY PICKING UP TRASH ON THE FREEWAY.

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Four friends arrive at a bar. We go upstairs to play pool and the first thing I notice is the debauchery of four guys next to us who were seemingly spring break wasted on a week night.

They seemed like they were partying a little hard for it being a week night but who knows, maybe it was someone’s birthday or someone got a raise at Pizza Hut?

They also seemed like an odd combination of people: there was the typical jock in his baseball jersey watching the game and going down on buffalo wings; the scenester in his white V-neck and fo-hawk; the hipster with his slouchy beanie, plaid shirt, women’s jeans and long black hair; and then there was #4. I don’t know if he was someone’s little brother, some guy they just met or actually one of their friends. He just didn’t fit.

My friend and I came to the conclusion that they probably had fourth period bio together in high school, found each other on Facebook and chose that night to meet up.
She and I go downstairs to get drinks while our other two friends stay behind (side note: our friends are guys, this is important in a moment).

There’s no one at the bar top besides a Guido with a cougar on either side of him, one wearing leather pants and the other wearing jeggings, and a homeless guy wearing a backpack.

While we’re waiting for the bartender, homeless guy flails his arms about mumbling something about how he showered that day and he won’t bother us; we can sit down and have fun as he whips his head in the opposite direction as if he has a warrant against him for talking to women.

Probably.

We sit. We Order. We Wait to pay.

I was too zoned out wondering why homeless man was laughing to himself to notice #4 had escaped his friends, wandered downstairs and started flirting with my friend.

I gear my attention away from giggles and #4 is saying something about how he wants to buy us Jaeger shots.

Clearly, he was piss drunk because he had to have seen that we were with two guys upstairs. Aka: not on the prowl. Aka, busy with friends. Doesn't that violate some kind of hitting on women code?

She’s cordial, you kind of have to be, but declines it. As do I. I don’t even think the bartender would have given him Jaeger if he asked. Probably milk and he probably wouldn’t have noticed the difference anyway.

“Yes? No? Yes? No? Going once, twice?”

Why is he doing an awkward moonwalk away from us?

He goes back upstairs.

We wait a sec then go back up.

Our friends leave to get drinks so it shouldn't have been a surprise that #4 would come sashaying back over.

It’s like he was waiting for the coast to be clear of dudes.

Here we go.

“Bad news bears.”

What on earth could he have bad news about? We just met.

He mumbles something about how the shots they bought weren’t Jaeger; they were pineapple juice, rum and some other “treat.”

I’m sorry, a treat? Like Cocaine? A roofie? Razors?
“I couldn’t finish mine if you want a taste?”

His friends are all lined against the wall like it's the dance floor at homecoming.

Wait, you couldn’t finish a shot?

“No, we’re good.”

His friends call him back over like a puppy.

Our friends come back.

We give them the look of: if you leave again, we will stab you in the throats.

They give us the look of: if you’re getting free shots ask for two extra.
We leave and go to the next bar which was a hipsters paradise.

Oddly, people were teaching each other how to dougie on a dance floor playing music that I know stands against everything Urban Outfitters believes in.
We try to get drinks but the bartender was only tending to gays, hipsters or scantily clad gay hipsters.
What the hell? I needed a mustache and black rimmed glasses that didn't have a prescription stat.

Three weeks later we get our drinks. We go outside and hang. Random’s start talking at us--at, not to--like we’re poor common folk.

I go to my impending doom of the women’s restroom.

How many vintage-wearing, unknown-band-tattoo girls does it take to get the hot water on? Three. They leave and it's like a trail of flowers follow behind.

A girl stumbles out of the stall in everything lace. It was only fitting that toilet paper was stuck to her shoe.

She curtsies as she exits. Why? I will never know. But how polite of her. It was like a movie scene.

Some guy walks through our group as we're deep in meaningful conversation (not really) and grabs my waist, lingers and gives me a look like I’m supposed to come with him, hop in his van and runaway to Florida.

Uh, no. Move along.

Night ends. As it must.
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This is the story of a guy, probably a lawyer or some executive big wig, who is trying to get this girl in his building.

He is probably the guy who has swag; all the ladies love him and he smells like fictional romance novels and has striking good looks.

Meet his victim: a girl who of course wants him. I get the sense she is married and horny because her husband is seeing his nurse so she wants spiteful revenge.

I also believe this guy uses this same scenario on a weekly, if not daily basis to get chicks:

In the top right picture, notice her seductive stance. Women do this to gear men’s attention to their chest. No it’s not an accident. It’s not comfortable to stand like that and notice where his eyes are.

Clearly, he knows she wants him and he won't have to work too hard hence her standing like that (which she won’t admit directly because women, as we know, are indirect).

He mumbles something about screwing up and saying she probably hates him after yesterday--whatever that may mean--so he is doing the typical blame game by calling himself a heel (which I had to look up because I know he wasn't calling himself a shoe).

He starts saying he didn't mean to get a kick out of Chalcis deal. Whatever the deal may be—drugs, human trafficking, who knows—then he plays the sorry sap card by adding, "whoa is me, I am basically an asshole and everything I do should be frowned upon, feel sorry for me, I am not really like this, blah, blah, blah."

He turns the tables. He tells her now that he met her, he won't go on with his life without her. Because I’m sure they’ve known each other longer than 24 hours and have had life changing conversations.

"I want to be able to look at you just once and not feel dirty," he said.

Liar.

But nice move. She now thinks you really care about her.

He tells her he has never fallen in love like "this" before.

He admits he asked another girl to marry him but she couldn't wait but he's glad she couldn't (in which he got rid of her) so he could marry this chick.

Wait a second. So, he is currently with another girl planning a wedding? Or, huh? What the all things red flag?

But, it doesn’t matter because little does he know, she is a total rabbit boiling bitch for sure.

“But suppose I was bad at waiting too?” she adds.

Insert evil laughter in her head.

They proceed to go have wild sex in the mail room I'm sure, and then she gets crazy wedding planner on his ass making him dump her.

He tells the switchboard girl the exact same story the next day.

The end.
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So you met a girl. This girl is the cat’s meow: she’s a total babe, she’s really cool and possibly someone you see yourself with.

Cut to a few conversations of small talk later and you’re on a date with her. In your mind, it was a really good time. So you call her a few days later, or five minutes after leaving her—whatever—to initiate something in the future: voicemail.

Days pass and there’s no return phone call; not a text back saying she’s busy but will call; not an email, a friend request on Facebook, a post card, a message in a bottle: nothing. I know. What the hell?

Guess what. It’s not her, it was you. What most likely happened was this: You freaked her out because you called her five minutes after she got out of your car or you didn’t connect to her emotionally. It was most likely the latter because if she was into you, you best believe that she would so answer that phone call.

An article by David Wygant discussing your favorite question “why won’t she call me back?” said women need distinction when it comes to dating. Duh! Welcome to 2011.

We need you, yes you varsity athlete and president of your fraternity, to stand out from the other guys we encounter on a daily basis.

What makes you different from the homeless guy, the freak poking us on Facebook or the regular Joe in a coffee shop? If you aren’t connecting with us on a different level, you are in the homeless guy, freak poking on Facebook, regular Joe in coffee shop category.

“She needs to know something that makes her feel “connected” to you,” said Wygant. “That you shared something with her – a moment, a laugh, an experience.”

This doesn't necessarily mean you have to disclose your criminal record, this means connect with her. I repeat, connect with her.

Men and women are beyond different. Men are visual. Women are not. Men connect through activities. Women connect by storytelling, words and emotions. It’s a fact. If you want to get somewhere with someone, you must know this and you must meet halfway.

So if you like a girl, you better get your act together before she is long gone boy. If you’re talking about yourself and not showing interest in her, what she does and who she is as a person, you may as well be dating yourself because believe me, she is checked out or at least checking out the waiter.

Oh, and this doesn’t just happen on first dates, it happens over time as well.

Cut the “my favorite hobby is putting ships in bottles” bullshit, self-disclose, take note of things she tells you, ask her questions, and be fully engaged.

I am just letting you know that if you don’t learn how to connect emotionally with women, you are screwed and will live a life constantly wondering why it didn’t work with that girl you thought the world of.
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Dear my long lost Sourav,

I am so glad you found me. I have been living in this life wondering when you will come to my rescue and save me from what is only a memory of my past.

I am impressed by your resume: the music industry, a degree and your lusty good looks? Wow, wow and wow. This is just too much.

I too think we will compliment each other well. It's just not your fault that you're so incredibly handsome. It takes a confident person to recognize just how good looking he is and make others feel inadequate by verbally announcing that.

I wish I was in your picture lying in the green pasture next to you. However, something tells me it won't be long before we are frequenting fields of tall grass discussing worldly topics and reciting romantic poetry to each other.

The wait is over.



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Clueless

Dear 17 and Smitten,

I understand you’re hot for teacher, or at least older woman, and as much as I would love to be your Mrs. Robinson, I just can’t.

You see, there comes a time in a girl’s life when she must realize that dating a person who has to ask his mom to borrow her car isn’t going to live up to her expectations. Yes, it’s a nice car, but it’s your moms. Can you even have anyone in the car with you yet?

I understand you think I’m mature—not like the other girls at school—but that’s because I'm not like them at all, I'm way older. Like, I worry about funny looking moles being skin cancer, older. I also understand your frustration with the girls you go to school with who can’t carry on a conversation about worldly topics or books because the books they read have been made into four vampire movies. I get you.

In fact, I commend you for being cultured and well-read but it’s not their fault they still read Tiger Beat and watch re-runs of That’s so Raven (am I aging myself? Do you even know what Tiger Beat is?); they just can’t comprehend anything more yet but give them time.

It's just not going to happen. I’m not impressed by how many touchdowns you scored or the fact that you were the homecoming king. I'd be impressed if you told me you had perfect credit though. You talk about things that are so far into my past that I age as I listen; things regarding high school, a very dark time in my life in which I've blocked out and now you're making it vivid again. I can't be with someone like you.

Don’t you want a girl you can actually take to the prom? I am far over the allowed age limit.

I hate to bruise your ego when you’re in a delicate state of puberty but I promise there’s a girl in third period wearing a T-shirt she bought at Wet Seal reading “Where’s my Mr. right?” who would jump at the chance to go out with you.

Stop listening to your friends who are telling you to keep trying because they want a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice and no, I can’t “tutor” you in social studies and no you can’t call me when you’re 18.

Best of luck, pal.

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