What CAN happen when you're single

Photo by Etiam Vita

Being single is all kinds of fun--don't get me wrong, it is--but if you aren't careful, things can happen, bad things:

1. You get the “single for life” syndrome: you've been broken up with your ex for a month and because no one perfect has come along, you start muttering that you will die alone in a cold, poorly lit room with cheap carpet and your body won’t be discovered for weeks.

2. You develop weird inexcusable crushes on people who aren't even good looking like Kathy Lee Gifford and that guy who hosts Survivor.

3. You find that your TiVo has way too many Lifetime movies recorded on it or there are way too many Man vs. Food episodes. Just as long as you don’t start emulating the guy on the Food Network with the flame shirts and bleached hair, you're sort of okay.

4. You think a guy is checking you out until you realize he's looking at his girlfriend, right behind you. Cut to five minutes later, you're crying in the bathroom because you thought he might have been the one.

5. You begin to get too curious about dating sites, too curious to the point where you join one “accidentally.”

6. You start dating people that aren't anything great just because there is no one else. Shame, shame! Instead of going for an ex or someone you're not that into, try meeting new people, but not on eHarmony. If you're in your 20's and using dating sights, you need to get out more, get a library card or something.

7. You start staying home as opposed to going out all the time. This is when you really may end up being single forever because this is when you catch up on all those Lifetime movies you TiVo'd.

8. You become a slut or a man whore. Being single is great, but embracing it like it's Cher's comeback tour (as if she were never coming back again) all the time will leave you asking yourself: who is Tony and why does it say “thank you for the good time” on my hand?

9. You start to compare yourself to everyone by saying “if he can get a girlfriend, why can't I? You get envious and it eventually makes you feel like shit. Just stop.

10. You tell yourself that there's NO ONE out there. Yeah, like, totally. Because like, everyone, like, totally sucks. Everyone is a cheater, a liar, a slut, a star trekkie, whatever.

It's easy to be a victim of this list, so while you're sitting at the kiddie table because you had no "plus one" at a wedding, just be glad you aren't making shrines to Kathy Lee Gifford.


  1. Always been single, I fall into just about every one of these categories.

  2. oh fuck. i need help. every single one, ive done. shit. i need to get a boyfriend, and quick!

  3. Great list! I too had to raise my hand for a few of these! Damnit!

  4. I have the newly single complex. I forsee myself falling into at least 4 of these categories. Your blogs great though, look forward to reading more!

  5. No offense to those sucking up those Lifetime movies, but this is hilarious!!! :D

  6. This is hilarious (and also kinda, sorta can be true at times =/)

  7. I. Love. Your. Blog.
    Holy hell.

    And I'm #2 on your list. I am finding the oddest people attractive lately.
    Jeff Bridges in Tron? Hello, daddy.

  8. I just found your blog. I'm a big fan. You're very entertaining.

    "where you join one “accidentally” - best line ever

  9. This. is. hilarious. I have been everyone one of these at one point or another. #4 is the best.

    This is probably one of the funniest blog posts I have read in a while.

  10. That survivor guy IS kind of cute! What is it about cheap carpet that makes us feel really extra bad about ourselves?

  11. Wow.

    I have been single way too long.

    I tick almost all of those boxes. That's just... Wrong. I need to get a life.. :P

  12. thank you i love you

  13. This list is scary it is so accurate!! wow!

  14. Just found your Blog, Jessica. Lovin' it. You are hilarious, lady. Keep up the great work.

    Also, I made, like, five of these from your list. Dang. Time for a change post-haste, ha.

    - Charlotte

  15. Thank you so very much Charlotte! And hey, we're all a little guilty ;)




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