Stop using Facebook and Twitter: Get real. You know you enjoy seeing your ex of a train-wreck crash and burn every chance you get, so when you see that she's tagged in pictures where she looks like she gained a few pounds, you’re all over it. Don't lie.
Make _____ (insert celebrity) fall in love with you: Justin Bieber doesn't want to date you. You're 38. It's wrong.
Have lunch with the president: your sob story of how you're a poor kid from the projects isn't going to get you cucumber sandwiches and fruit salad with him. He wouldn't even play basketball with harmless white guys on MTV. I mean, it's not like he has a country to run or anything.
Become a celebrity: No, MTV isn't going to sign your idea of Milwaukee Shore. I can guarantee nothing exciting comes out of Milwaukee.
Stop eating sweets: Puh-lease. If my doctor told me I'd become terminally ill if I consumed another Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I’d still do it.
Get your ex back: your ex--the one who cheated on you and is now dating the person he/she cheated on you with--will see you after you stop eating sweets and are famous and want you back. Do you hear yourself?
Record an album: Everyone thinks they are someone, just look at the Bravo network. This doesn't mean your idea of recording a mash-up of TLC and Alanis Morissette in your shower is good and should be forced upon your friends and family.
Drink less alcohol: Be honest with yourself: After your album gets terrible reviews (from your neighbors) and MTV declines your story pitch, you'll probably give in to sweets again, then with December 31 quickly approaching and no suitable spouse on the horizon, you may become an anxious Snickers eater resulting in a sudden weight gain; therefore, you turn to booze. Who are you kidding? Don’t ruin the one good thing you have going for you.
Happy New Year!