Thursday, December 30, 2010

Unrealistic New Year's Resolutions

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Get married and/or proposed to: If you’re single: If you want to meet someone in January and be married by December 31, 2011, chances are that on January 1, you will learn of their criminal record and children the person has with eight other people. Have fun with that. I hear Target and Bed Bath & Beyond have great return policies for wedding gifts. If you’re in a relationship: The guy won’t pop the question? Don’t sucker him into it to meet your deadline unless you want a life of holy matrimonial hell.

Stop using Facebook and Twitter: Get real. You know you enjoy seeing your ex of a train-wreck crash and burn every chance you get, so when you see that she's tagged in pictures where she looks like she gained a few pounds, you’re all over it. Don't lie.

Make _____ (insert celebrity) fall in love with you: Justin Bieber doesn't want to date you. You're 38. It's wrong.

Have lunch with the president: your sob story of how you're a poor kid from the projects isn't going to get you cucumber sandwiches and fruit salad with him. He wouldn't even play basketball with harmless white guys on MTV. I mean, it's not like he has a country to run or anything.

Become a celebrity: No, MTV isn't going to sign your idea of Milwaukee Shore. I can guarantee nothing exciting comes out of Milwaukee.

Stop eating sweets: Puh-lease. If my doctor told me I'd become terminally ill if I consumed another Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I’d still do it.

Get your ex back: your ex--the one who cheated on you and is now dating the person he/she cheated on you with--will see you after you stop eating sweets and are famous and want you back. Do you hear yourself?

Record an album: Everyone thinks they are someone, just look at the Bravo network. This doesn't mean your idea of recording a mash-up of TLC and Alanis Morissette in your shower is good and should be forced upon your friends and family.

Drink less alcohol: Be honest with yourself: After your album gets terrible reviews (from your neighbors) and MTV declines your story pitch, you'll probably give in to sweets again, then with December 31 quickly approaching and no suitable spouse on the horizon, you may become an anxious Snickers eater resulting in a sudden weight gain; therefore, you turn to booze. Who are you kidding? Don’t ruin the one good thing you have going for you.

Happy New Year!

9 comments :

  1. Good list Jessica!

    The marriage one especially! I hate people who set deadlines like this. Love happens when it happens. You can't force it!

    May I add one...this may fall under your "get famous" category...but "finish my novel." Why does everyone think they're a writer? Everyone thinks they can just write a book, and not only can they write it, but it will be a huge success. The reality is that most writers can't pay the bills with their work. And not everyone can write, let alone a novel with an original story-line.

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  2. i cannot get enough of your writing, you're truly talented. Keep up the amazing work.

    xoxo
    happy new year!
    danielle of, always choose paris

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  3. You'll disagree when I tell you about my year of less-drunken album recording during my lunch date with Obama, during which, my ex-boyfriend proposed to my non-sweet-eating, less-facebook-using self. It got me a reality show.

    Whitney

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  4. If I got proposed to on New Year's, I would turn it down because of the sheer cheesiness of it. Being the last night of the old year doesn't make it epic or romantic. It makes it cliche.

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  5. My only unrealistic New Year's resolution is to be half as awesome as you are.

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  6. This is why I set a realistic New Year's resolution like not eating hot sauce. Since I don't really like hot sauce anyway, I can easily keep my New Year's resolution throughout the entire year!

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  7. HEY! Just when I was planning to record an album...But I write my own songs, so its slightly better. Also all the people that say they will make better *ahem* sexual decisions, I'll believe when you are not making out at the bar with my best friend (the other one, you already got the first one)

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  8. Ahahah
    This seriously cracks me up! LOVING your blog girly.
    You are witty I will give you that!

    -Color
    http://hellomydove.blogspot.com/

    :)

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