Terry Richardson for Vogue

Jay Leno (associated acts include: late night talk show host and unsatisfied business man): When you give up a good thing to start something new, of course the good thing was better. So then you asked NBC for your time slot back? Why didn't you just ask NBC to change their name to the Jay Leno Network as well?

Lauren Conrad's clothing line: It's one thing to sign your name over to a cheap junior's collection at Kohls, but when you take a plain black trash bag made of nylon, call it a dress and price it at $500, we know you know better, or do you? Stick to what you do best, oh wait, what is that again?

Kathleen Parker: She's on that CNN program with Eliot Spitzer? Parker Spitzer? She's a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist? No? Yeah, me neither (well, not really). I hate to say that when news broke about Spitzer getting a show, no one paid attention to who else was on it, as in, the other lead commentator. I hear scandals get you famous, just look at O'Reilly.

The Kindle: Nice try, but the iPad can do everything. It can even order one of you and then re-sell you on eBay after deciding that reading Harry Potter on an iPad is way cooler than reading it on a Kindle.

Barbara Walters: You have to admit, the fact that she keeps showing up to The View while keeping her cool is slightly admirable; however, with co-anchors like Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Whoopie Goldberg, she's just dust in the wind. Come on Babara, flip a table or say something crass. We know you have it in you after all these years.

Charlie Sheen: You allegedly tried to stab your wife, but you failed. Didn't you pick up a copy of O.J. Simpson's book: If I did it: Confessions of the Killer?

Chess Club: It's all about glee club now.

Elin Nordegren (Tiger Wood’s ex-wife): I know you're going to write a really great book exposing your ex one day (and by write, I mean pay someone lots of money to do it). Until then, you are not influential, sorry.

Lamar Odom: You're married to Khloe Kardashian but her sisters are way hotter and both single. Even I would have cheated by now.

Cows: Lady Gaga wore you better. Better luck next year.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s second wedding: No one even knows who you are and the people that do are trying really, really, hard to forget. Just go away.

People in Windows 7 ads: You're paid actors and you didn't invent anything. You probably use Mac's anyway.

Southwest Airlines: JetBlue has better in-flight entertainment: Google: "flight attendant quits on JetBlue." See what you get.

Gayle King: You let another year go by without exploiting Oprah. Come on Gayle, we're all friends here.

Cake: Cupcakes one upped you this year and they did it a lot.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Uh, get a job? At least other "real" housewives have singles out, clothing lines, books, perfumes, cook books and work out regimens. Start selling jewelry or something.

John Mayer: You may have had an album out but you were only your typical asshole self for a small portion of the year. Compairing Jessica Simpson to “sexual Napalm” wasn't enough.

Martha Stewart: You stuck to doilies and butternut squash soup; not your usual bout of lying over money. Can’t you excite us with a holiday special this year? Maybe steal something from Rachel Ray’s collection of products?

The Today Show: You have Kathie Lee on there and we all know she is loaded half the time. Stop editing.

Mark Zuckerberg (associated acts include Facebook, that thing lowering your GPA): You're a billionaire but you're not hot? What are women supposed to do with that?

Justin Timberlake: Once again you have continued a boring acting career by leaving your musical endeavors in the dust.

JJ Abrams: You ended LOST, it’s okay, we understand. But when we heard you had a new show out, we got all hot and bothered until we watched it and realized it sucked. Then it got cancelled. It will be a while before we fully recover.

ATM's: We can deposit our checks from iPhone’s now. No one needs you anymore, condolences.

Miley Cyrus's parents: Nice try trying to take the spotlight from your daughter by splitting up. Billy Ray, you and I both know the way to headlines is a raunchy photo shoot with your kid.

kanye West: What's that I hear? Oh yeah, nothing. I don't even know you anymore.

Kesha, Ke$ha, Cashew, whatever: I still confuse you for Courtney Love and sometimes Lady Gaga.

The girl who lost to Snookie on Jersey Shore: Trust me, you'd rather be one of the least influential for not being on the show, because the real Snookie is influential for being one of the least influential people. Make sense?


  1. ha... nice..always bring the laughs

  2. The Kindle: Nice try, but the iPad can do everything. It can even order one of you and then re-sell you on eBay after deciding that reading Harry Potter on an iPad is way cooler than reading it on a Kindle. - Awesome!

  3. Haha cake. Cake loses to cupcakes every time.


  4. I hate lists and memes, but as far as lists on the blogosphere, this might be my favorite one! Kindle? Awesome! Ke$ha and the facebook guy? Oh yeah, spot on!

  5. Haha! I am so underwhelmed by all these jokers. :)

    You forgot Myspace...well, we all forgot Myspace really.

  6. That picture of lady gaga makes me want to shoot her! :] but anyway, this was a great list!

  7. Another brilliant, hilarious and well written post. Bravo.

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  9. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!




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