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Terry Richardson for Vogue

Jay Leno (associated acts include: late night talk show host and unsatisfied business man): When you give up a good thing to start something new, of course the good thing was better. So then you asked NBC for your time slot back? Why didn't you just ask NBC to change their name to the Jay Leno Network as well?

Lauren Conrad's clothing line: It's one thing to sign your name over to a cheap junior's collection at Kohls, but when you take a plain black trash bag made of nylon, call it a dress and price it at $500, we know you know better, or do you? Stick to what you do best, oh wait, what is that again?

Kathleen Parker: She's on that CNN program with Eliot Spitzer? Parker Spitzer? She's a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist? No? Yeah, me neither (well, not really). I hate to say that when news broke about Spitzer getting a show, no one paid attention to who else was on it, as in, the other lead commentator. I hear scandals get you famous, just look at O'Reilly.

The Kindle: Nice try, but the iPad can do everything. It can even order one of you and then re-sell you on eBay after deciding that reading Harry Potter on an iPad is way cooler than reading it on a Kindle.

Barbara Walters: You have to admit, the fact that she keeps showing up to The View while keeping her cool is slightly admirable; however, with co-anchors like Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Whoopie Goldberg, she's just dust in the wind. Come on Babara, flip a table or say something crass. We know you have it in you after all these years.

Charlie Sheen: You allegedly tried to stab your wife, but you failed. Didn't you pick up a copy of O.J. Simpson's book: If I did it: Confessions of the Killer?

Chess Club: It's all about glee club now.

Elin Nordegren (Tiger Wood’s ex-wife): I know you're going to write a really great book exposing your ex one day (and by write, I mean pay someone lots of money to do it). Until then, you are not influential, sorry.


Lamar Odom: You're married to Khloe Kardashian but her sisters are way hotter and both single. Even I would have cheated by now.

Cows: Lady Gaga wore you better. Better luck next year.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s second wedding: No one even knows who you are and the people that do are trying really, really, hard to forget. Just go away.

People in Windows 7 ads: You're paid actors and you didn't invent anything. You probably use Mac's anyway.

Southwest Airlines: JetBlue has better in-flight entertainment: Google: "flight attendant quits on JetBlue." See what you get.

Gayle King: You let another year go by without exploiting Oprah. Come on Gayle, we're all friends here.

Cake: Cupcakes one upped you this year and they did it a lot.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Uh, get a job? At least other "real" housewives have singles out, clothing lines, books, perfumes, cook books and work out regimens. Start selling jewelry or something.

John Mayer: You may have had an album out but you were only your typical asshole self for a small portion of the year. Compairing Jessica Simpson to “sexual Napalm” wasn't enough.

Martha Stewart: You stuck to doilies and butternut squash soup; not your usual bout of lying over money. Can’t you excite us with a holiday special this year? Maybe steal something from Rachel Ray’s collection of products?

The Today Show: You have Kathie Lee on there and we all know she is loaded half the time. Stop editing.

Mark Zuckerberg (associated acts include Facebook, that thing lowering your GPA): You're a billionaire but you're not hot? What are women supposed to do with that?

Justin Timberlake: Once again you have continued a boring acting career by leaving your musical endeavors in the dust.

JJ Abrams: You ended LOST, it’s okay, we understand. But when we heard you had a new show out, we got all hot and bothered until we watched it and realized it sucked. Then it got cancelled. It will be a while before we fully recover.

ATM's: We can deposit our checks from iPhone’s now. No one needs you anymore, condolences.

Miley Cyrus's parents: Nice try trying to take the spotlight from your daughter by splitting up. Billy Ray, you and I both know the way to headlines is a raunchy photo shoot with your kid.

kanye West: What's that I hear? Oh yeah, nothing. I don't even know you anymore.

Kesha, Ke$ha, Cashew, whatever: I still confuse you for Courtney Love and sometimes Lady Gaga.

The girl who lost to Snookie on Jersey Shore: Trust me, you'd rather be one of the least influential for not being on the show, because the real Snookie is influential for being one of the least influential people. Make sense?
Why you should never settle in a relationship
Johnny Depp, courtesy of 1995

Dear everyone,

Have you met Adam? He is a 27-year-old guy who knows what's up. Adam, who is featured on The Man's Guide to Love, has sound advice for all of you single lonely people out there who just don't know what to do with yourselves.

"Do not settle," says Adam. "Ever."

Adam is right. In fact, where can I hunt this guy down? I think our brains would collide well in holy matrimony.

I know some of you are reading this saying to yourself: "I don't settle, I know what I'm doing when it comes to dating, some relationships just don’t work out." True, sometimes.

Shut up. You don't know what you're doing, hence your encyclopedia of crazy ex's and unsatisfying relationships (this has nothing to do with the relationships that were satisfying and meant something, only the ones you literally settle for).

Countless times your Aunt has told you that will die alone in the dark and the only thing that will find your body is your cat who you named after your favorite golden girl.
Countless times you have told yourself you didn't like that guy or girl, but because they were persistent, you gave in and put up with them for six or seven months until shit hit the fan.

Countless times you have dated someone on physical appearance hoping they would one day get an IQ and be able to decipher between left and right, which never happened.
Countless times you have gotten bored so you started dating an ex, or someone you know you should remain friends with.

Do any of those four statements sound like a reputable reason to be serious with someone?

If you answer yes, get your head out of your ass. With given history X, you will never find anyone who satisfies you fully. Maybe temporarily in the sheets, but that can only last so long.
You have a problem (it’s okay, we’ve all been there) and this letter is about your problem with yourself.

Take into consideration what you like to do for fun, what your interests are, who you’re attracted to and so on.

Now, take into part that last person you dated. Yes, her ass was beyond perfect, she was the definitive trophy, but every time she opened her mouth, she annoyed the hell out of you and couldn’t tell you anything about your favorite music or books, nor did she care.

Then there was that guy you dated for a while; he was so sweet by opening doors, calling you beautiful and liking your friends, but he was immature and had a tendency to push your buttons.

So why put yourself through unsettling relationships?

If you’re going to “hook up,” whatever, do it. Just don’t turn “hooking up” into a relationship when you know it’s nothing more than hooking up to you; that’s no way to start a relationship with someone. It doesn’t matter if he or she keeps dropping the “so, what are we?” card. End it before the person goes Glenn Close on you.

You're hurting yourself in the end anyway. You'll feel like an asshole for breaking that person's heart when you know you should have remained friends (unless you're a merciless heart breaker, then please, continue your amazing journey in life you animal).

You will also miss out on life and possibly the person who could, dare I say it, complete you.

So listen to Adam and don’t settle, ever.

Sincerely,
Jessica

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