Will the real normal men please stand up?

Photography by Unsolved Mysteries of Universe

For some reason unknown to me, I tend to attract weirdoes, grandfathers, boys in high school, ex-cons, the homeless, you name it.

Once a man—in his seventies—gave me his phone number and told me I should call him to "maybe go to dinner sometime." I’m not sure what dinner would have entailed but I'm sure the food at the home, I mean his home, is great (it’s okay if that’s your thing). It would have never worked, the generational gap I mean.

While coming home on a packed Muni one night, a homeless guy—who had nicer eyebrows than myself oddly—shouted to the general public within earshot how rude I was for not allowing him to take me to dinner. Forgive me for being slightly classy; I don’t show up to places in shopping carts.

While minding my own business people watching, a man approached me, asked me where I was from and then to dinner immediately afterward. He just cut right to it; I guess we know he would never be into foreplay.

After the worst date I’ve ever experienced—there’s still time to surpass that—a guy begged like a child asking for cookies to kiss me at the end of the night as if it were his reward for learning how to go through the doggy door. He still haunts me to this day.

On New Year’s Eve, a guy followed me around expressing that his mother told him he “had to kiss a beautiful girl at midnight” or he would get in trouble. Bringing your mom up and the fact that she will punish you is a turnoff as well as questionable considering you’re a 27-year-old guy.

Once a man gave me a flower on the Muni, sweet, I know. Then I found out he was homeless. Homeless men give me flowers, not normal men with an income, what's wrong here?

Need I go on? I won’t talk about the boys in High School; I don’t need an R. Kelly style lawsuit.

Can I count on two hands the number of reasonable, two-legged men who have approached me in a normal fashion? No. It's sad but it's true.

So what gives? Is it desperation? Did some men cut class on manners day or do normal men just have too much ego to lose if they get shut down? At this point, if your teeth are brushed, you can spell your first and last name and can point out at least five different countries on a globe, I might consider your offer to dinner.

[Being unattractive has nothing to do with being creepy. You can be the best looking guy in a room and have total Fatal Attraction tendencies or pure douche bag qualities (same for women).]

So for the love of the lovemaking gods, please, I beg you normal, showered and respectful men to stop staying home and playing Halo. Ask a girl out and help women gain faith in mankind again. You might even get some action out of it so suck it up.

It doesn't matter if you’re broke and the only alcohol you can afford is the rubbing kind. A homeless man is giving women flowers and you’re not. Who’s the asshole now?

9/28/10

Will the real normal men please stand up?

A love letter

Photo by Rolling Stone Magazine

Dear guy who loves himself,

You were like a Monet. I totally dug you from afar. Women have this problem when we see an attractive man: we enter a realm of fantasy hoping you will become a wild depiction we foreshadow in our head. It’s a terrible habit and always to no avail.

To me, you were the nerdy type. You liked reading and probably listened to all these underground indie bands that were so good yet undiscovered. You were motivated, caring and witty in the most intelligent way possible. You were an outdoors-ey man and maybe part of some Big Brother organization. You weren’t over 30 but not under 25. Perfect. Oh, to dream.

Unfortunately, the second we got past "hello," I was bored.

Your glasses were fake--I blame the trendy youth of America shopping at places like Urban Outfitters—and your claim of being a music enthusiast was lost after the mention of Linkin Park and Justin Bieber.

The only motivation you had was getting women into bed and renewing your gym membership and you were caring all right; you cared a lot about yourself. As for your intelligent wit? Right. My jokes went over your head.

I didn't care about your expensive automobile you felt that you had to picture text me. Who does that? Even Batman is discreet about his fancy wheels. Get real dude, I was not impressed.

I didn't care about your career that was less a career and more a pickup line.

I totally Facebook stalked you after you told me to add you on Facebook (which I never did) and I was totally turned off by your incessant status updates and goofy self-portrait Macbook photos. Go outside, read a book...do something.

I blame myself in this situation more than I blame you for defacing the moral of man for women everywhere because I allowed you the privilege of my phone number.

When I told you "I will let you know when I have free time,” it wasn’t an invitation to keep bothering me with text messages when I didn't alert you of my free time.

Look, there's someone for everyone. I am sure you will find your Robin that can under shadow you Bruce Wayne. Keep on keeping on business exec.

Yours truly,

but not really.

9/23/10

A love letter

Difference between girls and women

Photography by Ana Giselle Rodriguez

There's a cosmic difference between that girl you're dating and the woman you'd like to be dating. It might be a material (she's wearing a T-Shirt that says "I love the Jo Bros") or intellectual matter; you just know something isn't right.

A study performed by researchers at Stanford and the University of California-Santa Barbara states older men who pursue young women contribute to a longer life. Uh, what?

For the sake of your own health and apparent possible death, by all means, keep dating younger women; however, if you're sick of buying bubblegum flavored lip-gloss as Birthday gifts, then stop hanging around the sandbox to meet ladies R. Kelly.

It's time to stop complaining that everyone you date is "annoying, clingy and dense" and move on to older and wiser things.

Don't get me wrong, sometime's there's no real age difference when it comes to girls vs. women. You could be dating a 22 year-old-girl who is still watching High School Musical. Whereas a 19-year-old-woman you met just finished reading the Dictionary for the third time and pays for your dinner.

Results may vary but are typically evenhanded:

A girl has an allowance while a woman has a paycheck and uses it for other things than press on nails and new shoes. She has real-life bills to pay for like car insurance. Crazy, I know.

Just because she’s younger doesn't mean she's fresher (of STD's). Women get checked while girls are still at the pediatrician getting stickers and a lollipop thinking everything is rainbows and butterflies.

Her idea of fun is getting drunk off Mike’s Hard Lemonade at a house party that probably occurs every weekend. A woman likes to be at least ten miles away from home on a Friday or Saturday night.

A girl chases you down while a woman doesn't have time for that bullshit. You're on her clock now.

Girls sleep with you no matter what; a woman decides if she wants to. I hate to break it to you but she's not a prude, you probably just aren't up to par. Take a shower and stop being such an ass.

Girls like asshole behavior; women drop your asshole behavior faster than you can say "I said what last night?" Stop being a jerk for the sake of your cuff links and tie you claim to wear Monday through Friday.

Girls quote movies with Hilary Duff in them and talk about Perez Hilton while women know about it, but also know about that flood going on and those earthquakes occurring.

Girls want you 24/7 while women realize you once had a life that included female friends.

Girls come back to you several times after you screw up. Women do not, period. If your woman is coming back to you, you might want to re-think her womanhood title as well as your jerk behavior.

24 is the new 18. Get with it.

She won't bring you home if she knows a family member is there. Talk about awkward.

She doesn't talk about marriage, future kids or politics on the first date because she'd either like to sleep with you that night or see you one more time. Knowing you're a divorced Republican with three kids is going to be a total turn off.

A woman doesn't call you goofy names like Mr. Tickles or schnookum while in public and hopefully not in private.

A girl talks about ex-boyfriends and guys she's been with. A woman doesn't ever mention them. It's no one's business how much of a tramp a woman is besides her own.

A girl hates all men after a break up. A woman knows that that one guy is an asshole and never deserved her to begin with, asshole.

9/7/10

Difference between girls and women