Never trust a guy who
Photograph by Azikiwe Mohammed

Won't show you his driver's license; it's probably because he was a once woman. Do you think he’s taller than you? Girl, those are heels.

Is on a campaign to “free weezy” and is seriously going door to door with it. He may be passionate, but come on.

Uses Internet lingo seriously: are we 14 and watching Carson Daly count down music videos on TRL? No. We are in our 20's, done or near done with college and hopefully using better vocabulary than “c u l8ter.”

Hit's on you before proceeding to get in his white van full of Caltrans workers. No, his life hasn't turned around and no that Orange Vest isn't a new fad at H&M.

Shotgun's anything other than a beer: it’s one thing to shotgun a beer, it’s a vastly different thing to shotgun everything as if it were normal: Dr. Pepper, Sprite, Redbull, SlimFast...need I go on?

Send's you a picture of his motorcycle over a text an hour after meeting you. He probably got that picture off Google and couldn't tell you where the ignition is.

Tells you he just saw Eat, Pray, Love and “totally loved it.” At least lie and say you saw The Expendables moron! Do you ever want to get laid again?

Openly admits to disgusting sexual habits that would make any person feel violated, degraded or possibly raped upon eavesdropping let alone experience.

Says he's always wanted to work at a Carnival. Just think back on your childhood when you won that fish from the guy with a snaggletooth and a seven inch long mullet. Now look at the guy you're having dinner with and then decide how important your pride is when your parents ask you what his future plans are.

Uses pickup line’s including his name, age and a hobby along the lines of stealing doctor gloves from medical practices.

You find a Taylor Lautner poster in his closet. After confronting him, he says he uses it for gym motivation. He’s a liar.

Says he's a music producer and by music producer, the only thing produced is off a keyboard from Target that's hooked up to his Dell computer while some guy freestyles in the bathtub.

Boys, check yourselves before you wreck yourselves.

Commercial aviation promotion for Pacific Southwest Airlines

What’s not to love about air travel? It’s so exciting to be a part of especially after the recent bout JetBlue is dealing with--an unruly flight attendant quit over the intercom system before escaping through the emergency exit with a beer (thumbs up to that)—so it should be no surprise that I was a little saddened to see a decrease in "unruly passengers" this year on the Federal Aviation Administration’s website.

In 2004, it was reported that there were 304 unruly passengers in the US, while for this year there are only 23 reported as of June 3, 2010 (we still have a few months left people, I have faith).

Regardless of a decrease in unruly-ness, the behavior that usually doesn't consummate a violation of federal law is infinitely just as good, if not better, because it indeed gets by as normal behavior. Of course, that’s subject to opinion.

From waiting in the terminal to actual air travel, I begin with the guy who's waiting in line to check his bags with at least 12 large suitcases (one questionably looks like a body bag). Not only is this moron alone, he’s holding up the line as he can only move four bags at a time while grunting as if it’s a piano he’s dragging.

Then there’s the guy who can't get through security. Apparently he’s so used to traveling by horse and carriage that he’s unaware shoes, hats, belts, jackets, wallets, keys, beards and eyebrows have to be removed before walking through the metal detector that continuously beeps as he walks back forth removing a new item each time. Finally, one the security guards take him aside before scanning him with their special wand only to find he doesn’t beep once. Of course not.

You finally get through security and sit in the terminal conveniently next to another winner. Some guy is sleeping--not to mention sitting up--with his laptop open, a half-eaten hamburger in his hand and basically his social security number written on his forehead.

The fun doesn’t stop there because once you board the plane, the party starts.

After sitting down, in walks--stumbles--the drunk couple who hit the overly priced mini bar and smell like a bottle of American Airlines finest overly priced Vodka and garlic fries. Not only do they sit right behind you, they order more drinks while in flight and continue talking loudly because drunk people have no sense of volume control let alone breath.

Then you get the family who sits in front of you and doesn’t care what their kids do. Like the child watching you through the crack between his mom and dad’s seat during the entire flight. It was cute the first four times, but cut to six hours later, you're ready to put the kid in the overhead compartment.

Lucky for you, you have the middle seat next to the guy with the long legs spilling into the aisle who ordered something extremely pungent in the food court before takeoff. It’s something between Mongolian and Indian and smell’s expired. On the right of you is a woman who has to use the restroom every five minutes and continually kicks you in the knee as she gets up.

This woman is also the type who "can't sleep" and requires the light on all night while loudly flipping through pages of US Weekly, painting her nails and asking for coffee. No matter how many sleeping pills you pop and how many blankets you wrap around your face, she’s the bain of your existence. There is no escaping her.

Finally, she falls asleep in which you believe frees you of her annoyances until her head slowly inches to your shoulder invading your space. Leaning against the window would just be incomprehensible to her innate knowledge.

Like I said, what’s not to love about air travel? I live for it.
"Never assume a pretty woman has a boyfriend. She might be available."
Start taking chances like this guy...

The Man's Guide To Love #109 from themansguidetolove
Photograph by Devon J

Q: I know some girls really like me, but I seem to miss the chance to close the deal. What's the way to overcome this? I really want to kiss, close and get the number. I know I keep missing the moment. How do I know when the moment is there? (I think I just go Wussy and get scared when I get to that stage.)

A: What are you waiting for, Kwanza? Get over yourself and just kiss her or ask for her number. What's the worst that can happen? She pulls back or gives you the number to Netflix saying it's her business line? Move on and hit on her friend--just kidding, but not if she's hot--and don't forget that she totally want's it; don't believe the good girl image, it's a hoax. Just refrain from kissing her while she's chewing her dinner, talk about inopportune.

Q: I've found myself in situations when things get quiet and I can't find what to talk about on a date. What are some topics that fascinate women? Any help on what to talk about on a date would be greatly appreciate.

A: It's only getting quiet because you're having a monologue in your own head on what to say. Step out of your head and just ask questions. What drew you to this person to begin with? She's not going to think you're weird if you ask her what her interests are or where she grew up. She said yes to the date right? However, she will think you're weird if you talk about how much you hate the President, your ex's, how amazing your talents are and how much you love your so cool and so expensive car.

Q: I’m not sure about the whole Cocky & Funny thing -- how do I be Cocky yet not come across as an asshole? And I've really never been the funny type of guy; I just don't know how without saying or doing something that might make me look like a wussy. Can you help a bro out please?

A: Listen, bro. First of all, why do you want to be a jerk? Women hate assholes who love stroking their own ego. Yes, it may seem like we want the guy who let the old lady cross the street by herself and has a criminal record, but it's not true. Cut the egotistical crap and for the love of whatever god you believe in, don't try to be funny if you aren't. Funny is natural, not on a Popsicle stick.
Photography by Jauncho Contreras

There are many words, names and places that are commonly misused. Words that serve many purposes as well as words that can bring light to any subject. A few of these words that are abused are as follows:

Douchebag: used to describe a person who moves one car length ahead while your blinker is on, then cuts you off as you switch lanes. Also see: asshole.

Hoe: contrary to popular belief, this word can be used to describe both your garden tool and all your ex-girlfriends. Example: My ex-girlfriend, who had sex with my best friend while we were dating, is a big huge hoe.

Moron: a person who lacks intellect and may be smarter than an idiot, but less smart than jackass. This person likes to add -er to the end of most words--funner and stupider--and likes to wear sunglasses indoors while drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade. Also see: fraternity.

STD: something you get from that hoe you're dating. Side effects include loss of reputation, small breakouts in and around the mouth or genitals and/or long term ailments.

Creep: the guy next to you in line who keeps getting closer and closer and closer. No, he's not trying to see the cover of US Weekly next to you, he's trying to smell your hair, skin or decide whether he wants to eat you later.

Billy Ray Cyrus: a confused man who can't tell his daughter from his mistress. This title can be used to describe any man with this problem.

Player: no, not Lebron James, the guy you're dating. Can't commit? Likes having options? Player. Also see STD and douchebag. Move on and get checked.

Heavy Petting: this term should never be used in a petting zoo or around children under the age of 14 (let's be real: 14 is the rightful age to be on Maury, therefore heavy petting is permitted). Commonly performed in places where night vision is required, roommates are in coinciding beds and when no protection is available.

Guido: a person who rubs off on walls and white sheets. No, not sexually, their skin color. Also see Guida and Moron.

Cockblock: your friend who is probably trying to inhibit you from your hoe and a lifetime of doctor visits. Thank your clockblock later.

Beer Goggles: a cool souvenir you get immediately after four Bud Lights. They are often 3D and come in different colors and styles such as: Black, Puerto Rican, Caucasian and Asian. They also make real life look and feel much better.



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