Out: Arizona
In: New Jersey

Out: Jonas Brothers
In: Justin Beiber

Out: Public displays of affection
In: Publicly displaying hatred towards your ex over a status update

Out: Barack Obama T-Shirts
In: "Free Weezy" T-Shirts

Out: Terrorists
In: Russian spies

Out: Wizards
In: Vampires, unfortunately

Out: Hurricane Katrina damage
In: BP oil spill

Out: MySpace
In: Chatroulette

Out: sanctity of Marriage
In: Gay marriage

Out: Hardback books
In: Electronic books

Out: Lil Wayne, at least until he's out of jail
In: Eminem once more, at least until he insults someone again

Out: Diet's/not eating
In: Going organic/smoking

Out: "Michael Jackson was a freak"
In: "Michael Jackson was a prodigy"

Out: Skyping
In: Sexting

Out: leggings
In: Not wearing pants, thank you Gaga

Out: iPhones
In: The Droid

Out: Church of Scientology
In: Whatever Tom Cruise is on

Out: STD's
In: Swine Flu

Out: frappacinos
In: cupcakes that are overpriced.

Out: Sarah Palin
In: Snookie

Out: Toyota's
In: Fixies

Out: Michael Phelps
In: Tiger Woods

Out: Rehab
In: facing your addiction, one ankle bracelet at a time

Out: Blow up dolls
In: Avatar women

Out: Chivalry
In: Cheating on your wife

Out: unemployment
In: deferrals

Out: seeing straight
In: wearing prescription glasses when you don't need to but want to

Out: Michael Lohan
In: Mel Gibson, for the win

A love letter to the homecoming king

Photograph by Niko
Dear Homecoming King,

I hate to write this letter to you, for your adolescent ego may get the best of you, but there comes a time in every young man's life when he needs to be set straight.

While I reason with you on valid points as to why you believe a passionate love affair could blossom, I have to counter argue that you're crazy, misinformed and living in a dream world.

Yes, you may be one month away from turning 18, but I don't get to know people for thirty days. You can’t convince me during a thirty day period that hanging out at the local Starbucks until it closes is fun.

Yes, you score lots of touchdowns, and maybe if I was a few years younger I'd be swooning, but my dear, this aint the NFL, this is CIF. 

Yes, you may have just received your driver's license in which your dad lent you his BMW to drive (by drive I mean to pick up your sister from dance class)—classy—but I don't like seeing family pictures in the dashboard; at least not yet.

Yes, it's obvious that you’re passionate and committed to what you do in life--baseball practice, mathlete's, student body president—however, taking out the trash isn’t a real job and you can’t dine and wine a lady off a ten dollar allowance.

These are all valid points; however, the fact that you can't grow a five o' clock shadow in less than a week, you have a curfew, your mom calls while you’re out to see where you are, you’re going to prom next week and you think the greatest movie of all time is Hot Tub Time Machine is a deal breaker. Oh, did I mention you're 17?

You are persistent, in your prime and you're kind of convincing--maybe you should be a lawyer-- but you should try for someone your own age. I don't make sack lunches, not now and not anytime soon, but if you have an older brother, have him call me.

Move along

Justin Bobby on a motorcycle, courtesy of MTV

It has come to my non-Harvard educated attention that The Hills continues to get stupid press time. I know this is shocking news to you as well.

The not so odd thing is, is that the interviews are all the same; reporters can't seem to think of new questions--I wonder why--other than inquiring the realism of the drama unfolding in each episode. So deep.

I suppose if reporters were to ask them about their thoughts on the BP oil spill, there might be a television interview on MTV that looks something like an emergency alert system followed with the implosion of your TV set.

As an annoyed reader of magazines and newspapers who is getting sick of seeing headlines like:"The Hills cast discusses whether their show is scripted," I would like to point out the obvious indicators that are indeed fake which should bury the question for good.

1.  Real people on the show have fake names: Justin Brescia is Justin Bobby, Lauren Bosworth is Lo and Lauren Conrad is LC. See? Only scripted programs rename their actors with faux names to give into the fantasy of a scripted drama.

2. Does anyone and by anyone, I mean all you young folk who watch The Hills, TMZ and whatever other shows exploiting the youth of America, pay attention to the photographs Kristin Cavallari has been captured in for the past six months or so? Are any in Europe--the place she claimed she had to go find herself in because she was "no longer needed in California” anymore? Shall I continue?

3. It’s pretty apparent Brody Jenner is a woman, just look at his eyelashes. He deserves a Hilary Swank style Oscar Nod. Something a la Boys Don't Cry?

4. No one in real life has a face that looks both like the lizard lady and Charo. The makeup department at MTV alone deserves an Emmy for Heidi Montag's portrayal of a saddened young girl distraught by her marriage, loss of family and friends as well as where she last saw her face.

5. There's no dialogue, only music transitions featuring Kesha, lady gaga and some weird band’s that I would have liked when I was fourteen and wearing too much eyeliner. Real life doesn't have music transitions.

6. When they are shooting at cafes, notice no one actually eats the food in front of them--probably because it's plastic or made of Styrofoam--because nothing in the film industry is real, hence, scripted.

7. Justin Bobby isn't a real person; he's an animated Ken Doll. Only plastic dolls made by Mattel are that good looking with such a limited vocabulary. I hear they teamed up with Pixar for his character.

8. All the actors are actually the folks from Jersey Shore. I know, right? They are that good. Do I hear Emmy?

9. Notice how camera angles are never on the person speaking? Exactly. When Kristen is talking shit on so and so, the camera will be on the other so and so, so you can't actually see Kristen talking about so and so. Confused? I'm not.

10. Lauren Conrad had to write the real version of The Hills in a book--a book based on stuff no one gave a crap about because it was too boring to air--in which she still changed the names (MTV was a bad influence) of the people involved. She was also the reason MTV decided to hire screenwriters for the show.

11. There are celebrity cameos: that also doesn't happen in real life unless your Snoop Dogg or Oprah.

Still not convinced? Watch The History Channel. That's not scripted. Then compare and contrast.
Why your ex is like junk food
Photograph by Katarina

There are certain people you cut out of your life and by certain people, I mean toxic people you’ve dated. These people are kind of like things you don't allow yourself to do like eat an entire cheesecake in front of the fridge on a Friday night when you come home drunk. You just wanted one bite but cut to ten minutes later, half of the cake is gone. Eventually, when your pants are tight, you learn to not buy cheesecake anymore and hope you don’t revert to eating something else in your cupboard like a jar of peanut butter. 

Just like not buying cheesecake, you learn to not talk to your ex's anymore because every time you do, it's like the ultimate doom of your self-respect, control and emotions.

Instantly, you’re reminded of why they’re such a pompous waste of space or you might even hate yourself for reaching out to them out of boredom, loneliness, depression, confusion - whatever -  after finding things out like the fact that he's gay. Talk about sleepless nights of wondering if you’re the one who made him realize this. But don't worry, that's not even the worst thing that could happen, you could accidentally sleep with him in hopes of getting back together (because women are weird and we do crazy things) only to later find that he moves on as if you two DON'T have a history. See why you should keep him cut out? Because now you're hurt and pissed and reaching for cheesecake.

You know certain people are bad news, hence the title "ex-boyfriend." You know the reason you stopped seeing someone is because that guy did things like forgot to show up to your birthday party and stayed home playing World of Warcraft. What a sweetheart. Just thinking about the things he did makes you want to scream into a pillow. Yet, for some reason, these people still cross our minds.

It’s a time capsule. With time, you forget the idiotic things they did and remember them for the good things. They are lodged in our brain like the taste of Oreos or chili cheese fries. You remember how good they taste but forget how bad they are for you and how much tighter your pants will be as a result of eating two rows, dipped in peanut butter. What?

The pathetic thing is, the good things you remember are just superficial: he's so hot, he had such strong arms, that hair, those green eyes, his tattoos, his laugh, he helped the homeless, he saved a bird! So you start thinking down the path of nostalgia and consider calling him. Then reality hits you like Double Stuffed Oreos and you opt for something less personal like Facebook.

You are completely thrilled upon catching up with him and possibly seeing where things could go until you see pictures of him with his new 100 pound girlfriend who has boobs for days and doesn't speak English. Ah yes, there's the instant reminder of why you stopped talking to him: your dresses were never short enough and he’s a shallow jerk. I mean, what on Earth could that girl have in common with him? Breathing? Now you're just pissed.

There are so many reasons why we ex-communicate, delete phone numbers, block people from Facebook, maybe go on personal intervention’s by trying to lose ten pounds, dye our hair and win him back. Until you realize it's not you, it's him (or her).

Stop it. Stop getting caught up in the cookie jar and stop getting caught with lucid dreams that he's the one who got away. Unless he is, then you better track him down. If you consider the one who got away to be that guy who parks in the handicap spot, then damn it, you need some Oreos. Hell, eat the whole bag.

Even plastic doll's know how to play the field.
Dating questions answered
Photograph taken by Tamara Lichtenstein

Q: Is chatting via webcam considered cheating?

A: Are you having a live conference with fellow co-workers about the newly implemented changes in your office? Or are you wearing furry handcuffs and leather chaps while talking to a cowboy in distress when your boyfriend is at work?

Webcam's don't scream talk therapy, they scream fetish after dark. If you need to talk to someone, try a friend or therapist, not some guy named Hank in Delaware. It isn’t physical cheating, it’s emotional, on a totally creepy predator level.

Q: I hate that my boyfriend has pictures of his ex on Facebook. Can I ask him to take them down?
A: You can ask him to take them down if you want to continue dating him. As to why you want to date someone who is hung up on his ex is beyond me. If I were you, I would print all the pictures out, make a photo album for him and then tell him to go play on some train tracks. Get real.

Q: My boyfriend is very distant from me. We don't talk as much anymore and I want to get him to want to talk to me all the time. Help!
A: Well, there's a vast difference between talking to you once a month and once an hour. What’s your definition of normal? People do have lives--sleeping, working, showering--so you can't be the center of his being all the time.

If he's not talking to you for long periods of time (day’s on end, week’s even), it's not that he's ashamed of you, he's ashamed of himself--well, that's a lie--your relationship is clearly done.

You should never have to wonder when he will come around; he should, as well as you, always be around. Relationships aren't games; if you want to play games, put two quarters in the air hockey table.

Move on or realize he can’t talk to you in his sleep.

Q: Can you call dibs on a girl or guy?
A: No and how dare you want to deprive the economy of its good looking youth. I don't care if you licked the girl like the guy who licked his favorite car in that old Volkswagen Jetta commercial. If she or he isn't into you, it's not going to happen. There are plenty of other pretty young things for you to get to know later in life so stop it.



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