Friday, June 18, 2010

Advice on advice

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Photograph by Anna Wergelius

Q: My guy kisses me good-bye, but otherwise, he doesn't like to kiss unless we're going to have sex. We have great chemistry, and the kissing, when it happens, is amazing. So why doesn’t he like to, and how can I get him to do it more?

A: Unfortunately, this is a no-win situation for you. Sorry sista. You either have bad breath, you're a terrible kisser or he doesn't like you enough to commence any physical activity any time other than when you're about to have sex. Therefore, try keeping Crest Wisp's on hand or get a new guy who enjoys a little tonsil hockey.

Q: What is your advice on calling after having spent the night with a woman? Is it a chivalrous or wussy thing to do? Should it always be a call or is e-mail OK? What should the tone be?

A: First of all, spending the night with a woman isn't a business meeting; therefore, refrain from e-mailing, faxing, sending a telegraph or anything of the sort. If things went well and you actually liked her, get over yourself and say something. It's not a marriage proposal and it doesn't have to be a love poem, just ask her out you dunce; however, if you paid for the evening, there is no need to touch base the next day, I'm sure she knows she was good.

Q: Guys often approach me at bars, and sometimes we really hit it off. But they almost never ask for my number, and the ones who do are never the ones I want to ask for it. What's my problem?

A: Your problem is that you're trying to meet guys in bars. Meeting guys in bars is like trying to meet someone off MySpace and hoping they don't have crabs; it's not ideal or safe. Of course, saying every guy in a bar is sleazy is a complete generalization because you have to remember that you frequent bars and aren't sleazy (well, after reading this question, arrows point to yes). If you're looking for everlasting love, try a library or somewhere that isn't darkly lit smelling like Whiskey and cigarettes.

Guys may also refrain from getting your number because you're insinuating that you aren't going to follow them to their white van at the end of the night. You may also be so incredibly boring that you're just not worth the effort of inputting a new number into their super awesome state of the art cell phone; even for pity's sake. White vans are over-rated anyway, so stop anticipating your dream man at the local pub on $2 beer night.

Q: I met a guy through an online dating site and we've been dating exclusively for 7 months, but his profile is still posted as an active record on the site. I'm mystified. How do I handle this?

A: You have been dating "exclusively" for 7 months but his profile is still active? Right. He's exclusively talking to you all right, as well as exclusively checking out spring break photos of other hopefuls. If you're so set on dating this mystifying Internet marvel, you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that he probably has the desire to speak with other women. Re-activate your account and look for someone new or go outside and meet someone in real life who only knows how to attain active criminal records as opposed to active dating site records.

5 comments :

  1. Regarding the first questions, I think it could also be that kissing is a big turn on for him, so he doesn't want to kiss unless he's getting down to business.

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  2. Damn girl! You give good advice!
    I'd like to think I give good advice to, but I never EVER listen to it.

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  3. Wow...just snickered out loud...at work...while supposed to be working.

    Best. Line. Ever. --> "Meeting guys in bars is like trying to meet someone off MySpace and hoping they don't have crabs"

    I feel like I should write in to you for some of my issues because I am tired of my friends stroking my ego- I need someone to call me a boring slut! :)

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  4. This made me laugh in a big, big way...Which was awkward because I told my mom that I'm filling out job apps.

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  5. Lol @ Liz's comment! I love all your posts & demand that all my friends read your blog.
    Really bummed when I read sitch #1. A boy that doesn't like to kiss? So sad.

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