Terry Richardson for Interview Magazine
Since I can't complete the L to my daily GTL routine because I'm out of Tide, I want to talk about the April issue of Interview Magazine which contains an article and six page spread featuring the men of Jersey Shore posing with model Bar Refaeli - who I hope was paid well because I wouldn't touch "The Situation" with a seven-foot-pole.
Mike, Ronnie, Pauly and Vinny gush about their newly acclimated fame, hair gel, women, and their futures in the new issue because you care. I know I do.
Mike Sorrentino, "The Situation," tells Interview Magazine that his new celebrity status has left him a bit overwhelmed, but he still finds time to recognize all of his fans individually with simple gestures like kisses on the cheek.
"Everywhere I go, there’s just mass amounts of people," Mike Sorrentino says. "There’s people showing up at airports, wanting autographs, girls, it’s insane. It’s like The Beatles, man."
The Beatles, huh? That's funny, because last time I checked, The Beatles actually had reputable talent, good looks and charm that made girls go crazy.
I suppose I could compare your reputable talent to that of The Beatles: their good looks that were chiseled boyish features and shaggy hair are now your crispy tan skin and sharply gelled hair, sure, The Beatles you are.
He then continues to mention how his fans have become hysterical at the site of him.
"I had a guy faint at one of my appearances in St. Louis. I was taken aback but at the same time flattered. I guess he got a little too excited, which is understandable. When you see The Situation in person, it can startle some people,” he explains.
I would faint as well but for many other reasons. One of those reasons would definitely be that I'm sure a cloud of Axe surrounds you at all times. Maybe not, but probably. And if it's not Axe, then it's probably all that Aqua Net you sprayed on your head.
Besides the guy who fainted at the site of The Situation, women are also going bananas over them. Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, who is what most Jersey girls would call the "ultimate juice head" (did I get that right?), said he doesn't understand why women are going gaga over him.
"It’s unexplainable," Magro says. "You have to experience it yourself. Girls crying, shaking. On my Facebook page, I got letters from girls: “If this is the Ronnie from Jersey Shore, oh my god, I love you.” It’s like, why? Really, why?"
Yeah, why? I want to know why. Maybe the two of us should do lunch sometime soon and make a list of possible reasons girls profess Facebook love for you. It's probably because you're so big and juicy (am I understanding that right?).
And in case you were worried these guys aren't planning ahead for their futures, you know, in case they spend all of their fortunes on Aqua Net, they are.
Vinny Guadagnino, who has a political science degree to fall back on in case his plans of becoming world renowned don’t work out, says he would love to become a serious actor.
"I want to be an actor," Guadagnino explains. "Like, a serious actor."
I'm really glad he wants to do the serious acting, because he can't take all the non-serious roles from stars like Heidi Montag.
"If I had the opportunity to be in the entertainment industry, whether it's being a rapper or an actor, I'd choose that over being in a suit-and-tie ant farm," he dishes.
Yes, because paying all that money to get a real degree is so blasé when you can take your reality star fame to show the world your real talents and be the best damn thing since...Jersey Shore?
At least one of the guys seems to have his head on right. Pauly Delvecchio, who will always stay true to his hair gel Spiker, knows what it takes to make it in this world and that is by being yourself, or as he calls it, being a true guido.
“A fake guido is a person who’s trying to be something they’re not. A real guido is like myself. I’m not trying to be anybody: I’m trying to be myself. Somebody who’s trying to be something they’re not—you can tell they are just right off the bat. Just because they’re trying to be somebody they’re not. You can tell in the club and stuff,” Delvecchio says.
Truer words have never been spoken.