Reasons you're unapproachable

Ruby Aldridge

Does this sound familiar? "No one ever approaches me, no one asks me out, and why do I ward guys off?"

Rich Santos, a favorite writer of mine at Marie Claire, recently wrote about women who prevent guys from approaching them according to him.

Prevent? You? No way. Keep reading if this is news to you.

Yes, you Miss. Thang are preventing men from eye fucking the shit out of you and you don't even know it. All this time, you’ve been under the assumption that you’re playing the field just fine and because no one is drawn to your awesome tactics, you're just inept to dating and being approached: false. There is someone for everyone. If Clay Aiken can get a boyfriend, so can you.

There are many bad habits indebted in women that we're often unaware of, while others are alcohol induced (which can be forgiven once or twice, until they become natural behavior; see below).

"I don’t usually approach girls who don’t look stylish and put together," Santos says. "Now, if you want to keep guys away from you, doing the “celeb in public homeless look” might be a good strategy."

When Friday night rolls around and you're getting together with your girlfriends, you decide to have a couple drinks before going out to dinner or the bars. Let's just say your stroll through the front door is less than graceful. You're perfume is no longer smelling like a rose garden and more like Bacardi and your tripping and spilling is unattractive. When you resemble Courtney Love circa 1990-present, it's a turn off. Grace and poise are prized possessions when trying to lure someone.

Now it's the following weekend and you're not quite as drunk, but you're dancing on the bar, gyrating against a pole that isn't meant to be gyrated against and every chair has your scuff marks. Yes, everyone has a spring break moment in their life, but when this is your weekly habit, the only men approaching you will be ones with dollar bills.

Then there is the chick that looks like a cold hard bitch. You're probably the nicest girl in the world but your facial expression is scaring off every male contender in the room. Looking miserable and like you're better than everyone needs to stop. Smile and at least act like you're having fun, even if you aren't.

"Try to give off positive vibes, and more people will approach," he explains.

Sending positive vibes can also stop when you're surrounded with men; If you’re always hanging around large groups of guys, onlookers don't know if you're taken by one of them or not and they certainly aren't going to cross swords if you know what I mean.

The comfort zone is universal. Apparently guys don't like to be shut down or have their ego's bruised just like women. Gee, who would have thought? Sometimes when you’re too good looking, it's not them, it's you. Sorry. Just don't let that get to your head cocky.

False advertising can also prevent men from approaching you. Stop wearing fake wedding bands or faux diamond rings because you like the look of it. If you aren't married, no more diamond bands on your wedding finger and if you are married, stop wondering why men aren't approaching you!

Beside’s false advertising, a busy girl is hard to approach says Santos.

"It’s easier to approach a girl who looks bored, like she wants someone to talk to," he says.

When you’re buried in work, emails or your blackberry, it's an assumption you don't want to be bothered.

Being busy falls in line with your accessibility; put an end to hanging out in corners that are dark and only the white of your eyes are visible you creep. Get out in the open where people can see you and easily approach you. If a guy has to crawl over chairs or cut through a crowd of people to find you in the middle of a huddle, it’s too much work. This is the one time I am going to say being easy is okay. Easy to reach that is.

Read the rest of his article and others as well.

4/28/10

Reasons you're unapproachable

Fact's about women

Photo by: Petra Collins & Laura-Lynn Petrick

It’s time to stop pretending like you’re the Don Juan of dating and just admit there are things you’re curious about. If you weren’t curious there wouldn’t be millions of articles in magazines and on websites about what makes us tick and tock.

Inspired by Esquire Magazine, who currently has a list containing facts about women on their website that females are submitting themselves, here are some facts about us women--not all--that you often feel are: nuts, hard to read, weird, etc.

If you did click the link, I will say from my standpoint that there are a few I didn’t agree with: No. 10 Anything but roses. Think about it. We've mentioned our favorite flower more than once. If you can't remember, go with a lily. —Rhiannon Falzone, 25, Chicago.

I think flowers are great, but don’t think we need them every week. To me, flowers are so general--along with chocolates, teddy bears and diamonds--and there are many other personal things you can do besides that. Save your money.

One that I really disagreed with was this stereotype: we only drink cosmopolitans and talk about clothing, sports are yucky.

This is not true by any means (at least for me). I can’t say every woman is like me, there are ladies who love cocktails; however, I hate fruity drinks and if I’m drinking, it’s usually beer or something simple. I also enjoy sports and there are more things to discuss than dresses.

Some more facts: your nails should never be longer or better manicured than ours. As long as there is no dirt under them, you’re fine, just cut those suckers. Also, no long pinky nails: you aren't Snoop Dogg and cocaine is so 90s.

When you wear cologne and walk past a girl, she wants to follow you into a dark room and have her way with you. The Axe effect is true in a non Axe sense; I'm not a huge fan of Axe, but spray on Very Sexy for Him and you can do no wrong.

Shaggy hair and a five o' clock shadow should never be messed with. You may feel the need to be clean shaven and gelled all the time but gel is out, but it's nice to see you let lose. You know how you like to run your hands through our hair? Well spiky hair isn't exactly touchable(of course some people don't like this look, to each his own).

Don't poke us in areas that are "soft." It's annoying.

We notice when you check women out. You're not hiding it at all. I personally don't care, I check people out all the time, even women; however, it becomes a problem when you check out cleavage Kathy more than your girl.

It's annoying when you talk about other guys negatively; especially strangers. Yeah you may think some guy made a stupid comment or looks like a moron, but when you mock him in front of us, you look like the moron.

Slow down. It’s understandable that you want to get down to business, but when you go from zero to 60 in 60 seconds, there will also be a quick exit 60 seconds later by yours truly.

When you hold the door open, you will probably get some later, but when you order our dinner, you will probably get kicked in the crotch under the table.

Nothing is worse than a guy who can't take charge every now and then. Asking what we want to do all the time shows you aren't confident and willing to open yourself up. Pick a time, a place and get on with it.

Don't generalize. Don't think that just because I’m a girl I don’t want to sit on the couch with you and nerd out with pizza, beer and Shark Week. You won't know until you ask.

If you like us or want to say you had a good time, tell us. No more of this waiting days and days and days to say something after a date. We will get over you and move on to someone who isn't afraid to speak up.

Just because a girl texts you after a date to say thank you, doesn't mean she's in love with you and has already pictured your wedding together. Some people are genuinely grateful for a good time and if you bought someone dinner, they may want to thank you for it. Don't jump to conclusions and stop flattering yourself.

4/21/10

Fact's about women

Supermarket love

Photo by: Cobrasnake

Have you heard? Grocery shopping is a whole lot more than just buying eggs and lettuce these days. You can actually meet people, like real people, and in person; they aren’t drunk like in a bar—most of the time at least—and have some type of income since they can afford food. That's two huge thumbs up!

Grocery stores have turned into a single person’s paradise, especially places like Whole Foods as well as big markets in urban areas with cafes built in them. There's one market in San Francisco known for the good looking guys--even dad's, dare I say it-- that go in and out. It's right next to a big university, which is coincidentally convenient because college guys have to eat, right? The store is so kind to provide ample seating out front for their deli and adequate babe watching.

Of course, like any grocery stores operating hours, there are potential soul mate operating hours.

There are so many ways to creep--I mean pick up--on people at grocery stores. During the day you're going to get your Moms who are probably buying for the masses. We're talking sixteen jars of baby food, the jumbo box of chip bags--we like bulk in America—and lot’s of snacks, Moms love snacks. You, you creepy guy you who has no regard if she's married or not, can totally help her out to her car, make up some banter about not knowing which baby food to get for your kid—who is really your sister’s kid--or just go full force and hit on her. If mom's or milf's are your thing, then this is the time to "shop."

Then there is the afternoon rush: The-I-just-got-off-work-and-have-no-dinner-guy. This guy is all business--suit and tie--and never learned to cook, so he grabs a bunch of frozen pizzas, soda and some Ding Dong’s until realizing it probably won’t last him all week. Yeah, you know this guy; he chooses your lane and takes note of all the assorted goodies you have that could make real meals. He in fact fantasizes about you cooking that food for him and just when you think he's hitting on you in line, he's really surveying his soon to be menu and taking your number like it's a Chinese fast food chain; just a little warning, but hey, it could be love. I mean, you like Ding Dongs too right?

Cut to a few hours later, on a Friday or Saturday night, you get that late night booze crowd. They spill in because they’ve already had a few and need to refuel for the night. He or she hits on you, as well as everyone else--including the bagger who is twice your age--but who cares, it's aisle seven love at first sight right between the Coors Light and Hefeweizen. You couldn't be happier, at least until you're hunched over the toilet six hours later from drinking Coors Light and Hefeweizen.

Ah, then there are health food stores.It's like good looking people flock to these places. It's imminent you're going to run into at least a handful of young, hip, care about different granola types. You always have that moment: the moment in which you reach for your favorite hummus and so does he, and for a second, your hands touch making your eyes meet. You think it's fate, I mean, it must be if you both love the same hummus and clearly have an undying love for health food, right? Then his girlfriend, or worse, his boyfriend, comes out of nowhere and puts something in his basket. Ouch. Continue to the booze aisle, there should be someone over there to ease your pain. His name is Chuck and he costs two dollars.

However, there is one time I suggest avoiding the pursuit of grocery story happiness and that is late weeknight shopping. Oddly, it seems like this is prime for weirdos. Who would have thought? Big chains or Liquor stores tend to breed them; it’s like when night falls, they have to have their Miller High Life and a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. They always pick your line, stand too close behind you and you can always smell their nasty 7-Eleven nacho cheese breath. This is a pick up you can and should do without; unless it's your thing.

What better way is there to meet someone with a common interest? Everyone eats and drinks and if you hang around long enough, you'll find that person who loves sampling Gummy Bears and Raisinettes out of the candy bins as much as you.

4/19/10

Supermarket love

Jersey fame whores

Terry Richardson for Interview Magazine

I don't watch Jersey Shore but I can't help not knowing a little bit about the show MTV runs marathons of at least once a week. I mean, how could I not know about it? Mass media catapulted Snookie, who has a real name by the way, into a pop culture icon and I'm rudely reminded of fist pumping on what feels like a daily basis but has really only been three times.

Since I can't complete the L to my daily GTL routine because I'm out of Tide, I want to talk about the April issue of Interview Magazine which contains an article and six page spread featuring the men of Jersey Shore posing with model Bar Refaeli - who I hope was paid well because I wouldn't touch "The Situation" with a seven-foot-pole.

Mike, Ronnie, Pauly and Vinny gush about their newly acclimated fame, hair gel, women, and their futures in the new issue because you care. I know I do.

Mike Sorrentino, "The Situation," tells Interview Magazine that his new celebrity status has left him a bit overwhelmed, but he still finds time to recognize all of his fans individually with simple gestures like kisses on the cheek.

"Everywhere I go, there’s just mass amounts of people," Mike Sorrentino says. "There’s people showing up at airports, wanting autographs, girls, it’s insane. It’s like The Beatles, man."

The Beatles, huh? That's funny, because last time I checked, The Beatles actually had reputable talent, good looks and charm that made girls go crazy.

I suppose I could compare your reputable talent to that of The Beatles: their good looks that were chiseled boyish features and shaggy hair are now your crispy tan skin and sharply gelled hair, sure, The Beatles you are.

He then continues to mention how his fans have become hysterical at the site of him.

"I had a guy faint at one of my appearances in St. Louis. I was taken aback but at the same time flattered. I guess he got a little too excited, which is understandable. When you see The Situation in person, it can startle some people,” he explains.

I would faint as well but for many other reasons. One of those reasons would definitely be that I'm sure a cloud of Axe surrounds you at all times. Maybe not, but probably. And if it's not Axe, then it's probably all that Aqua Net you sprayed on your head.

Besides the guy who fainted at the site of The Situation, women are also going bananas over them. Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, who is what most Jersey girls would call the "ultimate juice head" (did I get that right?), said he doesn't understand why women are going gaga over him.

"It’s unexplainable," Magro says. "You have to experience it yourself. Girls crying, shaking. On my Facebook page, I got letters from girls: “If this is the Ronnie from Jersey Shore, oh my god, I love you.” It’s like, why? Really, why?"

Yeah, why? I want to know why. Maybe the two of us should do lunch sometime soon and make a list of possible reasons girls profess Facebook love for you. It's probably because you're so big and juicy (am I understanding that right?).

And in case you were worried these guys aren't planning ahead for their futures, you know, in case they spend all of their fortunes on Aqua Net, they are.

Vinny Guadagnino, who has a political science degree to fall back on in case his plans of becoming world renowned don’t work out, says he would love to become a serious actor.

"I want to be an actor," Guadagnino explains. "Like, a serious actor."


Seriously.

I'm really glad he wants to do the serious acting, because he can't take all the non-serious roles from stars like Heidi Montag.

"If I had the opportunity to be in the entertainment industry, whether it's being a rapper or an actor, I'd choose that over being in a suit-and-tie ant farm," he dishes.


Yes, because paying all that money to get a real degree is so blasé when you can take your reality star fame to show the world your real talents and be the best damn thing since...Jersey Shore?

At least one of the guys seems to have his head on right. Pauly Delvecchio, who will always stay true to his hair gel Spiker, knows what it takes to make it in this world and that is by being yourself, or as he calls it, being a true guido.

“A fake guido is a person who’s trying to be something they’re not. A real guido is like myself. I’m not trying to be anybody: I’m trying to be myself. Somebody who’s trying to be something they’re not—you can tell they are just right off the bat. Just because they’re trying to be somebody they’re not. You can tell in the club and stuff,” Delvecchio says.

Truer words have never been spoken.

4/14/10

Jersey fame whores

Excuses, excuses, excuses

Skate & Destroy

You do it, I do it, we all do it; we make excuses when it comes to getting out of dates that make us cringe, when we need to ward off the unattractive guy with missing teeth and when we want to get rid of potential clingers.

We do things that make us normally kind, loving and Mr. and Ms. Congeniality nominees, seem like complete assholes. We become rude, self righteous, love depreciating human beings that feel as if the person who just asked whether or not they want to have coffee sometime, is going to go internet stalker on them.

Telling people the real reason you aren't digging them is because they have terrible hygiene, the thought of him or her naked would turn a person gay or that you can’t get past their love for world of Warcraft is pretty harsh.

I've told people stupid things like: I'm asexual, in a serious relationship with whichever friend closest to me or just pretended like I can't see them or hear them (the deaf card works well in San Francisco).

Sometimes my iPod will be playing as someone tries to talk to me and I do the whole mouthing of “I can’t hear you,” while theatrically pointing to my headphones. In reality, my music is totally paused so I can hear his banter. I know, Picasso of all things love-less party of one. See what happens when the ego get’s in our way?

It's come to my attention, however, that the look on a person’s face when I bear bad news is getting too depressing, the long silent pause over the phone is a bit awkward and ignoring text messages is all together rude (stop ignoring text messages now if you’re still doing it, you don’t want your name followed with STD accusations on bathroom walls).

Let's get creative by working together and coming up with better lies that are totally more believable than the brutal honesty and ignorant comments we’ve become accustom to. At least with these new excuses, you don't come off as a complete ass anymore, you just look crazy making the person think they won by dodging you, you freak.

Just a few examples may be but are not limited to:

I read my horoscope today and it said a new moon is entering my astrological star bringing bad karma to anyone near me as well as possible death.

I just got a new fish and it's really hard to find a good sitter on a Friday night.

My friend is going to be on Who Want's to be a Millionaire, so since she chose me to be the "phone a friend," I have to stay in and be on call.

I have gained a few pounds since the time we met and therefore have no clothes that fit. Sorry.

Hockey season has begun and while I would love to take you out, I can't miss a second. I'll call you after the Stanley Cup.

It's not you, it's me. I just got out of a serious relationship three years ago and am not ready to jump into anything yet.

My neighbor asked me to watch her apartment while she's out and there is a serious neighborhood alert for robbers. She's in Europe until the end of December, so how about after the holidays (make sure an overzealous ear to ear grin follows this)?

I'm blacklisted from every bar and restaurant in this city, therefore, I'm not allowed to show my face within 50 feet.

Well, I’m turning myself in for third degree murder tomorrow so if I don’t get life in prison or death, I’ll call you for sure.

These are just to guide you to the path of righteousness. Stop being rude and make better excuses, at least for the sake of hurt feelings on the other person’s behalf. And remember, both parties win; you don’t have to date the chick with a weird troll fetish and she isn’t hurt by your rejection because she now thinks you’re a psycho.

4/9/10

Excuses, excuses, excuses

muuuusic

4/8/10

muuuusic

Lyrics that will get you laid

Photo by: Stop Talking

The following pick up lines have been extracted from arguably some of the greatest rap and pop songs of all time. Use these accordingly while out and about; however, it’s not guaranteed getting a girl in the sack.

"I want your ugly, I want your disease, I want your everything as long as it's free (Lady Gaga);" showing your honesty and disregard for shame, this line demonstrates willingness to commit since regardless of disease, you want it. When it comes to ugly and disease, the two are free--beauty is what’s costly--love has no limit's.

“You’se a big fine woman when you back that thing up (Snoop Dogg);” this works well on spring break, the back alley of a gentleman’s club, and if you aren’t already a registered sex offender. Just make sure you are in an area that is poorly lit, because if she remembers what you look like, you might get slapped if she ever runs into you again.

"Oh girl, your silhouette make me wanna light a cigarette (Kanye West);" Charming. Try using this while in search of a light for your Marlboro from a female contender.

"I said I never seen a face like yours before and I been around some cute whores before." Oh Jigga man Jay-Z, you’re such a sweet talker you; this is great when you're on a stroll in the park, at the beach with some friends or picking up on ladies in the grocery store. She will instantly see your genuine side and want you right then and there. Frozen food aisle and all; your body heat will keep you warm.

“Hey yo fat girl, c'mere – are ya ticklish? Yeah, I called ya fat. Look at me, I'm skinny. It never stopped me from gettin' busy. I'm a freak (Digital Underground);” girls totally need inspiration to run faster on the treadmill anyway, so this is a double whammy because you just boosted her ego by hitting on her. Next time you're at the gym, try this one out.

"I wanna li-lick you from your head to your toe (Lil Kim);" this works well for people who have foot fetishes, enjoy licking, have no shame or ability to get embarrassed or a regard for clothing being soaked in cheap alcohol after offense has set in. I hope you own a pair of those Dockers that are liquid resistant.


“My apologies are you into astrology ‘cause, um, I’m trying to make it to Uranus;” Picture third period astrology without this line. You can’t can you? You are definitely getting an A+ in effort, citizenship and smooth moves. Don’t thank me, thank Jadakiss and Kanye West.

Now don’t use these lines all at once, you have to spread your game out over the course of a weekend and remember, it’s all in the execution: think head nod, winking and the white man gun point. It’s all you baby.

4/7/10

Lyrics that will get you laid

Different types of women

Women: if only they were simpler right? Females are complicated and do things you will never understand like stalk your ex’s on Facebook, dissect most things you say over a text message and over think everything.

While you boys are nodding and thinking this is so true, don’t think you’re any better. You’re just as weird and difficult to figure out, hence the dissecting of text messages.

There are too many different types of women. It would be amazing if we could be narrowed down to just three categories--easy, medium and hard--but females are never going to be that simple.

However, there are types of girls you should be going for and then there are types you're probably going for.

First, there is Ms. Good Girl, otherwise known as the sweetheart. This is the girl you can bring home to mom and dad and not worry whether or not every asset of hers will be covered. She's mature, she passed High School and probably won't go Lisa Left Eye Lopez by burning down your house when you breakup. She can play with your nieces and nephews without slipping a few curse words and is trustworthy and refreshing.

Then there is the go getter: Ms. Independent. This girl has a knack for power and probably owns at least three business suits, four blackberries and likes to hit on men in bars because she doesn’t have time to wait for love to find her. She has no shame getting what she wants when it comes to dating but she also loves her job and personal space. She’s perfectly secure with herself and therefore often mutters that she doesn’t need men to make her happy (don't believe her, she's lying). While she may want to find a way to sue you for breaking her heart, she will instead buy a newer version of her blackberry. She's reasonable and not a bad choice.

Ms. Serial Teaser: this girl typically has over 800 friends on every social network and a high percentage of them are men, or women, depending on which way she swings. She never fully commit's to anyone, therefore she leaves many people hanging. Continually flirting with each guy, she gives false hope by sending the wrong message as she touches your arm, ask's about parents like she cares and smells like a bed of sex mixed with roses. It's just not right, right? Be wary of your own heart when going after this type. They are hard to tame and jealousy is very present with her fan club always around.

Ms. Easy Going, Ms. No pressure: She doesn't want to rush into things and like's to keep it cool. Aka: under wraps. Aka: you aren't the only one she's dating. Her relationship is always disclosed to the public, but she makes it seem like you’re together when you're together (ladies watch out for guys like this too). Other signs that point to this personality? Talk of previous boyfriends and how they still hang out (again, they aren't just friends), dream catchers and saying she has no last name (too much of a rolling soul). The last two are far fetched but just look out for them.

Ms. Party Girl: also known as sorority girl, life of the party or that girl. She is fun when you want to do keg stands, have themed nights where you're wearing cut up sheets and leaves and if you like to discuss various types of drinks called mind erasers. Just make sure you know where the nearest HIV testing center is. Party on.

Ms. Bad ass: this girl is so cool that she can tie knots with her tongue, she has tattoos in places unheard of and she knows more sexual positions than you. Good for her. If you can keep up, this chick is for you; however, if you aren’t comfortable being the puppet in her show and don’t have tattoos and piercings in places like your eyelids, inner ears and between your toes, I suggest moving on to less of a challenge. You will just end up soar and uncomfortable.

Ms. Credit card formerly known as Ms. Gold Digger. Symptoms include: an old man (often in a silk smoking jacket), a plethora of shopping bags, possible Botox beginning at the age of 25, leather skin from tanning and an infallible need to check herself out in windows. She has a case of Anna Nicole Smith and there is no prescription for it. Unless you want to cash out your 401k early because she spent your money on designer dog clothes, run. This girl isn't and never will be into you; she is into your wallet, trust me.

These are just a few types to look out for or look for; to each his own. Some people enjoy leather skin and an STD scare.

4/1/10

Different types of women