RollingStone Magazine

It's safe to say there are a lot of things that don't impress me. I'm all for the vital force of principle when it comes to showing off. Tell me you helped an old lady cross the street and I'm pudding in your hands. Tell me she gave you $100 for doing so, in which you put towards a diamond encrusted money clip to tame your cash wad's and I’m walking away.

So it's no surprise I’m going to write about the things guys do--ignore a terrible country song reference by Shania Twain—that don't impress me much.

When a person goes into a frenzy of showing off, I do a few things: zone out and start thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner, question if they were neglected as a child, count ceiling tiles, and wonder how interested my face looks because I'm clearly unresponsive.

There's a vast difference between being reserved about your attributes and advances in life--be it they were achieved or given--and boasting to make you appear sexier, manlier and all around better, or so you think.

Mentioning your Hollywood connects like Jake Gyllenhaal--in which I would have to kill you and call him from your phone to coax him into meeting me in a dark alley--doesn't impress me. I don't need you to build up your resume or lack thereof. In fact, I asked what your friends were like, not for a list of actors at Paramount.

I'm not impressed by how many touchdowns you scored in High School. Why? I respect talent when it's apparent, or in this case present, not when it's rubbed in my face for one's own betterment. If that's all you have going for you: four years of touchdowns, four years ago you need a hobby. I hear boating season is coming up.

Try refraining from showing off the number of girls you have been with. Invoking jealousy isn't a good trait. Your exes aren’t anything of interest--I barely know you as it is--and therefore spending good portion of our time talking about them isn't fun. I like to live in the present anyway.

It's not impressive when you act like you're the greatest thing since the invention of the Internet. It doesn't matter how many big words Yale taught you or how many times you have to silence your phone because you're on such high demand. Do what you do best and that is stay quiet...the world won't like you for much longer with your head that big.

Your snazzy car: it's one thing to drive it and be aware of its dollar worth or bitchin factor and it's another thing to make sure I'm aware that you're driving daddy's wheels (like you could afford a Lamborghini). Muscle cars are cool, just not when you ask continuously if I "dig the ride." I’m there to hang out with you, not your hot wheel’s collection.

Along with fast cars comes money. I'm not into wearing, drinking, or eating my money--unless it's fashioned into a cake that looks like a dollar bill--so when you come in wearing Gucci, Dolce, Versace, Chanel, Vuitton and whatever else you can fit on your body, I may not only think you're a show off, but also a gay fashionista from overseas that's lost.

Making someone feel belittled is never appealing; saying my life is meaningless until I go to Brisbane is demeaning. Not everyone is as fortunate as you--the most interesting man in the world--so when you talk yourself up like you're Carnival cruise lines, I am cruising on out of there (mind the bad pun).

Remember boys: it's not the quality or the quantity, it's modesty.


  1. AMEN! Wow you should hold mandatory seminars for single guys haha!

  2. Well said, but it's also not attractive when guy's downplays his accomplishments. I asked a guy recently what he did for a living and he reluctantly told me that he's a mechanic. I had to point out that my job is serving people like himself coffee.

    A musician friend of mine told me that in his business he has to maintain a certain level of cockiness, but be modest enough to be likable.

  3. Awesome! There is a lot of great information here...I love the Carnival Cruise Line...Line.

  4. Agreed!
    hahha, i looove your blog!

  5. OK, I just think this is freaking incredible! How are men so ridiculously naive when it comes to some of this?

  6. that's about right. couldn't have said it better.

  7. Amazing entry. I agree with everything here. And yeah, guys bragging their education are almost as bad as those who are proud of the complete lack of thereof.

    And as I read your blog, I must say - the way you write is just brilliant. I always pay attention to this kind of stuff, since English is not my first language. In other words, this blog rocks :)

    AND thanks for comment in my blog :)

  8. Oh, perfect. You should circulate it. Like those roundrobin email. Way better than want to increase the size mails.

  9. I could have written that... Happy you found me, I really enjoy reading your blog

  10. The John Mayer pic is so fitting. I usually don't have extremely strong opionions about celebs, but I absolutely can't STAND him. Especially after his "Thanks for not thinking I'm an asshole" speech? Um, who DOESN'T think that? An.y.way. I totally agree with your list. However, snazzy cars tend to impress me...just a little ;)

  11. I'm a fan of your writing. You definitely know how to drive home the point! Sometimes you just have to set us straight, and that is exactly what you have done. Touché. I look forward to reading more.

  12. I have nothing to add to this. I think you've said it all!

  13. HAHA Love it!!! And I so agree. I was actually infatuated with a guy who truly believed (and still does) that he was the best thing God ever put on the earth and never failed to let me know it. God knows why I kept hanging on.

    Ironically, I'm at Yale. And he was a Yale boy too. He doesn't use many big words... but you've got the Yale male stereotype down pat ;)

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