Photo by Tamara Lichtenstein
Upon proof reading an essay you wrote, she corrects VE Day to V Day and says your paper on Valentine’s Day was good but didn’t understand why you kept mentioning something about the surrender of Nazi Germany.
Fondles you under the dinner table at your nephew’s fifth birthday party; it's one thing to do it inconspicuously in say...a place that doesn’t involve a ball pit and a clown, but it’s guaranteed a kid playing with Hot Wheels under the table saw it all and just told your Aunt.
Starts crying after you bring her a box of chocolates because she thinks you believe she is fat. Um, What?
When you buy yourself drinks at bars, she immediately takes them from you as her own and mentions how thoughtful you always are but wishes you would stop buying her Fat Tires and get her a lite beer.
Upon trying to check your email on her computer, you notice her homepage is a wedding planning site. You have been dating for two weeks: get your keys and take the fire escape.
After you complete a joke, she says she doesn't get it, every time.
You come home from work and all your ex-girlfriends are sitting around your kitchen table just as your current girlfriend walks out with a freshly baked pie. She just happens to "know," all of them and invited them over to, you know, catch up.
She does the head nod and gun point at you in a bar. Leave this move for the 40 something year olds hanging out at hotel bars.
Her bed is covered in stuffed animals. Nothing says romance like rolling over onto a plush cub from The Lion King that talks.
Her fake tan rubs off on all your sheets and white wall’s. What’s next? Finger nails getting stuck in your hair?
Her nickname’s in college included: beer bong girl, nasty Nancy and slot machine. That’s not exactly a girl mom wants to meet.
You find collages of Zac Effron and Taylor Lautner in her desk on accident...but not really on accident, you were snooping.
She shows up to a family beach day with nothing but bikini bottoms and pasties. For once you are grateful your grandpa is partially blind.
Actually wants you to lay your coat down between the gutter and the car door in the rain so her suede shoes don't get ruined. They deserve to be ruined if she is wearing suede in the rain, didn't she learn anything in Cosmopolitan?
At a family party, you catch her doing body shots off your brother, best friend’s and crazy Uncle Frank (no one would ever do body shots off him). She claims she is just having a good time in which all your friends nod in agreeance while undressing her with their eyes. Still want to keep her around? Careful, Christmas mean mistletoe.
She mistakenly calls you Fabio or Enrique in bed: her favorite romance novel characters. You don’t want to be compared to a half man-half horse.