Photo by Megan Leonard
Names have been left out to protect the dating impaired…
1. While in bars, don't send a friend to pick up a girl you're interested in. While you may think she is "very attractive,”—which is what you told your friend to tell her—you need to man up. You’re not in Junior High where notes are passed asking each other silly questions like: check yes if you like me. Guess what her answer will most likely be: “Tell your friend to tell me himself,” with a nasty smirk. Now you, with your tail between your legs, don't even want to use the bathroom that she happens to be sitting by. Way to go undercover cop. I hope you have good aim, because that empty bottle is all you got.
2. Don't hover behind a girl while she is in deep conversation with a friend. Her friend is now glaring at you with an awkward grin she's trying to conceal while attempting to listen intently to your story. Also, your vampire breathing on the back of her neck isn't going to get her attention either. P.S. Don't come back twenty minutes later asking if you did something wrong. Unless you wanted change for a twenty, your wedding ring was the first mistake, even before the vampire breathing.
3. If you're trying to fight fires, don’t think it's okay to hit on the girl who is watching from her window. Yes, you thought this out clearly: She’s the damsel in distress, two floors above you, and from what you can see, she looks good. She may be, but when there is no real emergency and her simple inquiry about the said crisis jumped to asking for her number out of the blue--out of the blue is the key here--it's weird, flattering, but weird. While you’re standing there looking like a sick puppy dying for a phone number, she’s writing a pity post-it to throw down with the local chinese food number on it.
4. Don't pull a girls hair to see if it's real. It doesn’t matter how pretty and shiny it is, you aren’t a baby and it’s not a silver rattle. It’s understandable you have had a few beers with your friends and are all betting on whether or not it's real, but what if it wasn't and it came off revealing a bald head you putz? How do you explain that?
5. Never get ahead of yourself and ask for a kiss because you think you “deserve it.” All you deserve is a kick in the balls that your mother keeps in her purse. Don't worry; she left them to you in her will.
6. Try not to creepily linger and dance with a girl who is five inches taller than you and then proceed in begging her to come to your hotel room with big droopy eyes after last call. You deserve applause for your perseverance and confidence; however, linger means dancing behind and around someone while she's sitting or isn't moving in this case. Now you're just a creep.
7. Don't stand in front of a table of girls at a bar alone with no plan of action; their eyes are wide, rolling around the table to each friend and then back to you before taking long gulps of their drinks in hopes you will exit. To their luck, after a painstakingly awkward minute or so, you finally walk away. Were you expecting your sheer presence to land phone numbers in your hand? Don Juan De Marco is a fictional character.
8. Do not grab a girl and pull her onto a poorly lit dance floor in the corner of a basement when she says “no thanks, I don’t dance.” Dancing, in this case, means that the reggae-tone, gyrating and drunk sorority girls don't mesh well with the white girl in Keds. You'll soon see that this isn’t the Step Up love story you were hoping to brew; you should have taken no for an answer. Take that snazzy silky button down and walk away.
9. Never think it's time to make a move on a girl because she leaned back. When a girl reclines, she isn't inviting you to pounce on her. Nothing is more uncomfortable than an unexpected head coming at you with closed eyes and pursed lips; it’s like a bad 80's teen movie.
10. Last but certainly not least: never bark or howl at a girl. The only feline coming your way is an overweight cat that likes to claw. I Hope you have flea repellent.