Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Stop being such a dude

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How many times has there been a man around that just rubs you in all the right ways but his behavior is a complete turn off? Everything is so right: his hair, attire and even the way he walks until you catch him tasting what isn't a sampler in the bread aisle before opening a soda, downing it, then walking out.

There comes a time in every dudes life when he needs to ascend from dude to man. Typical dude behavior set’s many a dudes back from this ascent every woman wishes for.

Acting your age is one way to begin this momentous gradient. It's funny to toilet paper someone's house when you're 16, but not when you're 23. It’s also funny when party boy on Jackass continually rips off his snap Addidas pants exposing his cheetah print thong during the most inopportune moments but not when you do it at family parties.

Along with acting like a man, be hygienic like a man. Turning on the lights at 2:00 a.m. when you need to use the bathroom sucks, but when your girlfriend comes over and the toilet seat as well as surrounding areas are covered in urine, it's not okay. Unless you want those toilet targets floating in the water as a hint, aim.

Getting tattoos that you think are funny like the phone number to your favorite pizza place is only funny to you. I’d rather have you get your area code than that any day; leave it for the yellow pages.

Acting differently in front of your boys (by different, I mean like a jerk) will lead you to a big ego loss when your lady dumps you in front of them while making up heinous accusations like how bad you are in bed. Being polite is polite.

Having a voicemail that says "You have reached Dr. Nicolas Meyers" when the closest thing to a doctorate you have is the players manual to Operation. Change that.

What happened to talking through things? Leave fights for movies. Yeah, some guy is checking your girl out but get over it. Your girl is hot and she's out with you, not him. No need to get in A West Side Story alley fight behind Old Al’s Sports Bar. If you want to be a hero, help the elderly with their groceries.

Walking like your Notorious BIG while playing the most ghetto 1990 hip hop tracks out loud on your cell phone that you picked up from beat boy Brian on the Muni. I get your musical taste. I dig that you own what you like; however, when you are the whitest, scrawniest man in the suburbs, your sagging jeans and puffy jacket do not make you look cool. You look like some dude I couldn't stand in high school.

Having a skate park in your house; no girl let alone your own mother wants to eat dinner on your ramp because you'd rather not have any furniture. Ramps are cool outside. Ramps are cooler at skate parks. Hell, use a handicap ramp. No girl should have to skate off your bed to get to the bathroom.

Treating a lady like a lady. I realize chivalry is just about dead but there comes a time in a man’s life when getting up for a lady or just holding a door open is courteous. If someone has their hands full, walking through a door and letting it slam because you are just too cool is a dude move and you know it.

Graffiti shouldn’t be done unless you're some amazing artist who can spray paint Starry Night on the freeway off ramp. No one needs to know about your midnight tagging crew called THO: The Howlin' Owls.

A guy can be as good looking as Brad Pitt and not get a girl if this is how he acts.

Allow the ascent, embrace the ascent, live the ascent. It will do you so much good Dr. Nicolas Meyers.

6 comments :

  1. Hand.Clap.

    I can't stand a douchey guy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. thanks for commenting on my blog:)
    absalutly loved your blog, i completly agree with the comment above.


    http://fuckitblaa.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yeah. This is why we have such a bad rep as a gender.

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  4. Saying you worship Tom Cruise and his character in Magnolia: FAIL.

    ReplyDelete
  5. loves it. you rock, you said it sister!
    ! thanks for the add!

    ReplyDelete

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