Saturday, January 9, 2010

Customer service does a person good

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There is one thing a person should do in life and that one thing is working in customer service. It doesn't matter what you want to be when you grow up because you don't have to be the dancing banana on the corner for the rest of your life.

Being a person who had to do her own laundry at the rightful age of nine, this girl knows the working world well. It's not a bad thing to hold many jobs, it makes a person well rounded as well as prepared for the most grotesque and evil maneuvers people present in every aspect of life.

Working customer service has a plethora of perks; even when your dog threw up on your comforter at 2:00 a.m., allotting you no sleep, making you miss your alarm and causing you to look a bit like Courtney Love in the morning. Now you know how hard it is to keep a smile on your face when life is against you, or so you think. Do your research and prevent such things from happening again. Try a bowl of Alpo instead of a bowl of pasta and you will have prevented a disaster day at work.

Preventing disastrous moments doesn't stop there; learning to be insensitive will take you far in the working world. When a customer mistakes you, a 17-year-old prepubescent boy, for Mr. Neiman Marcus himself by yelling about a mutilated dress shirt, don't let him see your eyes fill with tears as he says your own mother couldn't love such an imbecile. Man up, suck it up and call your manager. Then go fold something.

Once you have mastered sensitivity, learn a little about self hygiene and know Purell is your best friend. If you aren't already using it you should know this: money should never be wet--soggy, dripping, moist--it doesn't matter; wash your hands. Is someone coughing in your face while asking where the treadmills are? Pop a Vitamin C and don't open your mouth. Did someone sneeze on the appetizers menu? Lysol that thing like it's Dolly Parton's hair in the 1980's.

Along with hygiene, math is something you should probably brush up on. It's the hardest thing to learn and the easiest thing to forget, which explains why cashiers are really bad at it. Learning how to count change became obsolete when technology improved and cash registers did math for employees. When the 40 percent of customers that love to hand you change after you open the drawer stare at you blankly as you count and then recount on your fingers, you'll be sorry you showed up to class stoned in high school. Get one of those calculator watches and go over your multiplication flashcards.

Once you have mastered the previous mentioned, teaching yourself patience is crucial when dealing with customers who eat three quarters of a sandwich before they decide it tastes "funny," or they didn’t order turkey to begin with. Right. He realized that after he opened it up, poured mustard all over it, ate some of the turkey with his fingers, continued to lick any remnants off his hands, and placed the bun back on before indulging. Patience is earned slowly but surely.

After patience follows that suave attitude only Johnny Depp seems to possess. The attitude that says "all right man, it's cool,” when a kid cuts his head and bleeds profusely after falling out of his high chair. Your manager indubitably chooses you, the person who can't sit through an episode of Dexter, to clean that up. While silently gagging, you mop it up acting as though this sort of thing happens all the time. Patience.

If you haven't learned any of the previous things mentioned, you will learn that religion is more valuable than the real dollar in some people’s heads. Some folks think it's wise to choose the girl at the checkout that looks like she spent a night out with Ozzy Osbourne. Her runny eyeliner and heavy eyes are clearly an indication of a hangover--not her normal barbaric attire at all--as they hand her a mini pamphlet about Jesus Christ, her savior.

These are all simple things that will allow you to succeed in the real world whether or not you want to be the banana dancer on the corner. Even if you do, at least your hands will be clean.

4 comments :

  1. money. wet. hah. i hear you roar.

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  2. Yeah, customer service is certainly character building :D

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  3. ahh your blog is so much better than my shit!!! i need to revamp it or just move to wordpress where i get tabs ahhaha.

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  4. this is spot on! as a mgr at a clothing store i hear ya....i can't wait to get a real job lol

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