Photo:anonymous source

There you are, sitting with your friends, minding your own business, talking about how much you love your long island iced tea in your hand, when a man appears, singles you out and says something along the lines of: "Is your dad in jail? Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes."

That's when your friends all stare at him in amazement because he had the audacity to interrupt all of them, your friends; mistake number one. Until realizing he's serious, they also stare in amazement over the fact that he had the decency to linger awkwardly while everyone laughs for a moment.

There are many one liners out there that don't work. By many, I mean most. Something triggers most men to leave their usual casual self at the hour of 7:00 p.m. and retrieve him again the next morning. For whatever reason men use these pompous lines—insecurity, arrogance, making friends laugh—they should be retired.

"You have beautiful eyes, you know?"

This line doesn't work because, well, it's a dark room and all a girl is going to hear is bullsh*t. There is no way you can see her hazel but in this light generic brown—black—eyes, nor are they standing out in any astonishing way for you to use that as a way to sweep her off her feet. It’s apparent you’re trying to compliment something, but this is pretentious. Compliment something everyone knows you can see, like her amazing capability to stand after six Blue Moon’s and two shots of tequila.


“Did it hurt?”


“Uh, what hurt?”


“When you fell from heaven?”

Since when is a bar a religious shrine for the devout? No, this never works. The only thing it worked in is that 90s movie She's All That; wait, they cut that line. Don’t even go out if that’s all you got and if you must make an appearance, stay put in a dark corner of the room and sip your milk because that’s all you deserve.

Using ostentatious lines that don't work doesn't stop there. Other lines such as:

"Hey, it's your lucky day because of all the girls in this bar, I chose you talk to you!"

Excuse me, your arrogance is showing; making it a point that you can walk into a bar and have your pick because according to you, you're the best damn thing in there, really makes you look like a peach. Not. If you're a smart girl, let him buy you a drink, then go to the “bathroom.”

"Can I get your number?"

Wait, don't you want her name first? Unless you're working on some sort of class project consisting of the comparison of different area codes and numbers, do yourself a favor and never use this as a pick up line. It’s guaranteed you just got the number to the local dry cleaners.

"I love that shirt; it really shows off your features."

What features? Please, further your exploits you complimenting catch you.

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?"

The only thing a girl believes in at this point is assault on account of her middle finger. Yeah, walk by again but do this great theatrical reenactment by the exit.

“My mom told me I had to kiss a beautiful girl at midnight.”

Is your mom here? Because it's apparent she buttoned your pants after you went to the bathroom then wiped your face with a hanky after you spilled your juice box. No girl wants to hear anything about your mom on the first meet especially when it involves trying to romantically capture someone. The only thing you will be getting at midnight is the longing look of Dick Clark as the ball drops. Happy new year idiot.

The realization that the only pick up lines that do work such as, “Hi, my name is Joe, how are you this evening,” comes after many failed attempts at the previously mentioned. Unless you’re one of those lucky guys who were born with the capability to have women eat words out of the palms of your hands, you have work to do.

How many times has there been a man around that just rubs you in all the right ways but his behavior is a complete turn off? Everything is so right: his hair, attire and even the way he walks until you catch him tasting what isn't a sampler in the bread aisle before opening a soda, downing it, then walking out.

There comes a time in every dudes life when he needs to ascend from dude to man. Typical dude behavior set’s many a dudes back from this ascent every woman wishes for.

Acting your age is one way to begin this momentous gradient. It's funny to toilet paper someone's house when you're 16, but not when you're 23. It’s also funny when party boy on Jackass continually rips off his snap Addidas pants exposing his cheetah print thong during the most inopportune moments but not when you do it at family parties.

Along with acting like a man, be hygienic like a man. Turning on the lights at 2:00 a.m. when you need to use the bathroom sucks, but when your girlfriend comes over and the toilet seat as well as surrounding areas are covered in urine, it's not okay. Unless you want those toilet targets floating in the water as a hint, aim.

Getting tattoos that you think are funny like the phone number to your favorite pizza place is only funny to you. I’d rather have you get your area code than that any day; leave it for the yellow pages.

Acting differently in front of your boys (by different, I mean like a jerk) will lead you to a big ego loss when your lady dumps you in front of them while making up heinous accusations like how bad you are in bed. Being polite is polite.

Having a voicemail that says "You have reached Dr. Nicolas Meyers" when the closest thing to a doctorate you have is the players manual to Operation. Change that.

What happened to talking through things? Leave fights for movies. Yeah, some guy is checking your girl out but get over it. Your girl is hot and she's out with you, not him. No need to get in A West Side Story alley fight behind Old Al’s Sports Bar. If you want to be a hero, help the elderly with their groceries.

Walking like your Notorious BIG while playing the most ghetto 1990 hip hop tracks out loud on your cell phone that you picked up from beat boy Brian on the Muni. I get your musical taste. I dig that you own what you like; however, when you are the whitest, scrawniest man in the suburbs, your sagging jeans and puffy jacket do not make you look cool. You look like some dude I couldn't stand in high school.

Having a skate park in your house; no girl let alone your own mother wants to eat dinner on your ramp because you'd rather not have any furniture. Ramps are cool outside. Ramps are cooler at skate parks. Hell, use a handicap ramp. No girl should have to skate off your bed to get to the bathroom.

Treating a lady like a lady. I realize chivalry is just about dead but there comes a time in a man’s life when getting up for a lady or just holding a door open is courteous. If someone has their hands full, walking through a door and letting it slam because you are just too cool is a dude move and you know it.

Graffiti shouldn’t be done unless you're some amazing artist who can spray paint Starry Night on the freeway off ramp. No one needs to know about your midnight tagging crew called THO: The Howlin' Owls.

A guy can be as good looking as Brad Pitt and not get a girl if this is how he acts.

Allow the ascent, embrace the ascent, live the ascent. It will do you so much good Dr. Nicolas Meyers.

There is one thing a person should do in life and that one thing is working in customer service. It doesn't matter what you want to be when you grow up because you don't have to be the dancing banana on the corner for the rest of your life.

Being a person who had to do her own laundry at the rightful age of nine, this girl knows the working world well. It's not a bad thing to hold many jobs, it makes a person well rounded as well as prepared for the most grotesque and evil maneuvers people present in every aspect of life.

Working customer service has a plethora of perks; even when your dog threw up on your comforter at 2:00 a.m., allotting you no sleep, making you miss your alarm and causing you to look a bit like Courtney Love in the morning. Now you know how hard it is to keep a smile on your face when life is against you, or so you think. Do your research and prevent such things from happening again. Try a bowl of Alpo instead of a bowl of pasta and you will have prevented a disaster day at work.

Preventing disastrous moments doesn't stop there; learning to be insensitive will take you far in the working world. When a customer mistakes you, a 17-year-old prepubescent boy, for Mr. Neiman Marcus himself by yelling about a mutilated dress shirt, don't let him see your eyes fill with tears as he says your own mother couldn't love such an imbecile. Man up, suck it up and call your manager. Then go fold something.

Once you have mastered sensitivity, learn a little about self hygiene and know Purell is your best friend. If you aren't already using it you should know this: money should never be wet--soggy, dripping, moist--it doesn't matter; wash your hands. Is someone coughing in your face while asking where the treadmills are? Pop a Vitamin C and don't open your mouth. Did someone sneeze on the appetizers menu? Lysol that thing like it's Dolly Parton's hair in the 1980's.

Along with hygiene, math is something you should probably brush up on. It's the hardest thing to learn and the easiest thing to forget, which explains why cashiers are really bad at it. Learning how to count change became obsolete when technology improved and cash registers did math for employees. When the 40 percent of customers that love to hand you change after you open the drawer stare at you blankly as you count and then recount on your fingers, you'll be sorry you showed up to class stoned in high school. Get one of those calculator watches and go over your multiplication flashcards.

Once you have mastered the previous mentioned, teaching yourself patience is crucial when dealing with customers who eat three quarters of a sandwich before they decide it tastes "funny," or they didn’t order turkey to begin with. Right. He realized that after he opened it up, poured mustard all over it, ate some of the turkey with his fingers, continued to lick any remnants off his hands, and placed the bun back on before indulging. Patience is earned slowly but surely.

After patience follows that suave attitude only Johnny Depp seems to possess. The attitude that says "all right man, it's cool,” when a kid cuts his head and bleeds profusely after falling out of his high chair. Your manager indubitably chooses you, the person who can't sit through an episode of Dexter, to clean that up. While silently gagging, you mop it up acting as though this sort of thing happens all the time. Patience.

If you haven't learned any of the previous things mentioned, you will learn that religion is more valuable than the real dollar in some people’s heads. Some folks think it's wise to choose the girl at the checkout that looks like she spent a night out with Ozzy Osbourne. Her runny eyeliner and heavy eyes are clearly an indication of a hangover--not her normal barbaric attire at all--as they hand her a mini pamphlet about Jesus Christ, her savior.

These are all simple things that will allow you to succeed in the real world whether or not you want to be the banana dancer on the corner. Even if you do, at least your hands will be clean.



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