Unrealistic New Year's Resolutions

Get married and/or proposed to: If you’re single: If you want to meet someone in January and be married by December 31, 2011, chances are that on January 1, you will learn of their criminal record and children the person has with eight other people. Have fun with that. I hear Target and Bed Bath & Beyond have great return policies for wedding gifts. If you’re in a relationship: The guy won’t pop the question? Don’t sucker him into it to meet your deadline unless you want a life of holy matrimonial hell.

Stop using Facebook and Twitter: Get real. You know you enjoy seeing your ex of a train-wreck crash and burn every chance you get, so when you see that she's tagged in pictures where she looks like she gained a few pounds, you’re all over it. Don't lie.

Make _____ (insert celebrity) fall in love with you: Justin Bieber doesn't want to date you. You're 38. It's wrong.

Have lunch with the president: your sob story of how you're a poor kid from the projects isn't going to get you cucumber sandwiches and fruit salad with him. He wouldn't even play basketball with harmless white guys on MTV. I mean, it's not like he has a country to run or anything.

Become a celebrity: No, MTV isn't going to sign your idea of Milwaukee Shore. I can guarantee nothing exciting comes out of Milwaukee.

Stop eating sweets: Puh-lease. If my doctor told me I'd become terminally ill if I consumed another Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I’d still do it.

Get your ex back: your ex--the one who cheated on you and is now dating the person he/she cheated on you with--will see you after you stop eating sweets and are famous and want you back. Do you hear yourself?

Record an album: Everyone thinks they are someone, just look at the Bravo network. This doesn't mean your idea of recording a mash-up of TLC and Alanis Morissette in your shower is good and should be forced upon your friends and family.

Drink less alcohol: Be honest with yourself: After your album gets terrible reviews (from your neighbors) and MTV declines your story pitch, you'll probably give in to sweets again, then with December 31 quickly approaching and no suitable spouse on the horizon, you may become an anxious Snickers eater resulting in a sudden weight gain; therefore, you turn to booze. Who are you kidding? Don’t ruin the one good thing you have going for you.

Happy New Year!

12/30/10

Unrealistic New Year's Resolutions

Dating advice from a kid

This is Alec Greven, a 9-year-old ladies man who wrote a book called How to Talk to Girls.

This kid knows what's up! He is so going to have all the girls in the sandbox coming over after school to get help with their science homework!

12/27/10

Dating advice from a kid

What CAN happen when you're single

Photo by Etiam Vita

Being single is all kinds of fun--don't get me wrong, it is--but if you aren't careful, things can happen, bad things:

1. You get the “single for life” syndrome: you've been broken up with your ex for a month and because no one perfect has come along, you start muttering that you will die alone in a cold, poorly lit room with cheap carpet and your body won’t be discovered for weeks.

2. You develop weird inexcusable crushes on people who aren't even good looking like Kathy Lee Gifford and that guy who hosts Survivor.

3. You find that your TiVo has way too many Lifetime movies recorded on it or there are way too many Man vs. Food episodes. Just as long as you don’t start emulating the guy on the Food Network with the flame shirts and bleached hair, you're sort of okay.

4. You think a guy is checking you out until you realize he's looking at his girlfriend, right behind you. Cut to five minutes later, you're crying in the bathroom because you thought he might have been the one.

5. You begin to get too curious about dating sites, too curious to the point where you join one “accidentally.”

6. You start dating people that aren't anything great just because there is no one else. Shame, shame! Instead of going for an ex or someone you're not that into, try meeting new people, but not on eHarmony. If you're in your 20's and using dating sights, you need to get out more, get a library card or something.

7. You start staying home as opposed to going out all the time. This is when you really may end up being single forever because this is when you catch up on all those Lifetime movies you TiVo'd.

8. You become a slut or a man whore. Being single is great, but embracing it like it's Cher's comeback tour (as if she were never coming back again) all the time will leave you asking yourself: who is Tony and why does it say “thank you for the good time” on my hand?

9. You start to compare yourself to everyone by saying “if he can get a girlfriend, why can't I? You get envious and it eventually makes you feel like shit. Just stop.

10. You tell yourself that there's NO ONE out there. Yeah, like, totally. Because like, everyone, like, totally sucks. Everyone is a cheater, a liar, a slut, a star trekkie, whatever.

It's easy to be a victim of this list, so while you're sitting at the kiddie table because you had no "plus one" at a wedding, just be glad you aren't making shrines to Kathy Lee Gifford.

12/18/10

What CAN happen when you're single

He knows if you've been good or bad

Photograph by Ellen Von Unwerth

If you're in your twenties, then you probably haven't seen Santa Claus in action since you were wearing Oshkosh.

Watching Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Chris Cringle--whatever the hell he goes by these days (you'd think he was P. Diddy with all these names)-- is not only a little voyeuristic if you don't have kids or siblings, let's be honest, but pretty frightening.

It's startling watching children scream and throw fits as they're pressed down on that old guys lap. Parents place infants on his lap as if he's going to place a hand on their head and promise a future with a high SAT score, a rich spouse and forever good looks.

What's even stranger is watching the ones who are fascinated by him. There he is, this big fat guy with a long scraggly beard that he keeps rubbing, and there they are, with twinkling eyes as if he were Mickey Mouse or Jesus.

There’s something wrong with Christmas and it starts with jolly St. Nicholas:

1. I’m certain this guy has to be on Megan's Law. He lures children with candy canes and cookies to his sleigh and then asks them to sit on his lap. This sounds like a case of Michael Jackson. Too soon?

2. I think Mrs. Claus is a total decoy like Hillary was for Bill. Why else do you think he has all those little interns, I mean, elves working for him?

3. What's up with that weird gingerbread house behind the tree? It's creepy and it's too small to be a home and too big to be a dog house. I think that's where he takes his “clients.”

4. Toy making? What kind of toys? We all know Santa doesn't bring them anyway, mom and dad do (sorry if I just ruined Christmas), so we know it’s a cover-up.

5. What's with all the stage names? He sounds like a mail-order stripper: he shows up at your house late at night in disguise with names like St. Nick or Chris Cringle while rubbing his bowl full of jelly. It's just not right, but I guess if that gets you off, by all means, carry on.

6. 20 bucks says there's a camera in his beard. He definitely video tapes his daily events and watches it in his “shop” later that night.

7. “He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake.” Oh, does he? That’s not creepy at all.

8. He has a “naughty or nice” list and it doesn’t mean good vs. bad, it means gentle vs. rough.

9. Holiday traditions like mistletoe and spiking eggnog don’t sound innocent. I know he didn’t coin the mistletoe idea, but you know he’s getting his “helpers” wasted and tossing mistletoe like it’s rice at a wedding. Don’t even get me started on “snow flocking (that sounds like something that happens at a fraternity party, in a basement, on a cold night)."

10.He got caught kissing mommy underneath the mistletoe (look up song). That’s not all he’s up to.

Maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe there's some sort of gratification in watching your child scream on his lap? Is it payback for what your parents did to you? And is the picture really that worth it anyway? This stranger with rosy red cheeks is holding your six-week-old baby who’s crying and all you get is a picture that’s off-centered because the girl operating the camera is: texting, chewing gum and thinking of ways to kill herself and her parents for making her take that job.

Santa, you dirty dog, I’m onto you.

12/7/10

He knows if you've been good or bad

Never trust a guy who...

Never trust a guy who wears too much Axe. He clearly doesn't like to use a toothbrush or deodorant and doesn't shower after the gym. Oh, don't even get me started on bad breath, how can you not smell yourself? Everyone else can.

Don't trust a guy who thinks kissing isn't cheating. If you can get herpes doing something, it's cheating.

Don't trust someone who still keeps in close contact with his ex/exes. He's not just "checking up on them." He's thinking about them naked, sexting and poking them on Facebook (and probably real life).

Don't trust a guy who says he needs to figure out his life at the moment before he makes you his girlfriend, but keeps hanging out with you and then some. Just don't. Move on because you don't have time to waste. You're only wrinkle free until you hit 30 and then it's all down hill from there. You will be sipping wine spritzers in the back of a bar while all the older men hit on your sister, who is in college.

Don't trust a guy who never carries condoms because he thinks women should handle it, he hates wearing them, he's too broke to buy any, blah blah blah. Yes, it's the 21st century and everyone should "pitch in," but jeeze, if you're having sex, be prepared and be responsible.

Don't trust a guy who is afraid of camping: dirt, bugs, peeing in public, and not showering? Who are you?

Steer clear of the guy who sends his food or drinks back all the time. He will never be satisfied.

Don't even think about hitting on the hot guy who didn't open the door for you, let you sit down when there weren't empty seats on the train or pick up your book that fell when you're hands were full. He's probably an asshole and that's not all he won't do.

Don't trust a guy who orders a bunch of drinks on your dollar. I don't know what crazed fantasy world you're living in but hearing that there's an open tab is not an invitation for your belligerence.

Never trust a guy who tells you (his girlfriend) he got a girls number when he was out with his friends. Yeah, she's totally going to help him with his thesis statement. Cough, cough.

Don't trust a guy who says he ran into an ex and is going to have dinner with her just to catch up. Unless she's his babies momma and they're discussing child support, he's for sure not going for endless soup and salad.

12/2/10

Never trust a guy who...

Some of the least influential people/things of 2010

Terry Richardson for Vogue

Jay Leno (associated acts include: late night talk show host and unsatisfied business man): When you give up a good thing to start something new, of course the good thing was better. So then you asked NBC for your time slot back? Why didn't you just ask NBC to change their name to the Jay Leno Network as well?

Lauren Conrad's clothing line: It's one thing to sign your name over to a cheap junior's collection at Kohls, but when you take a plain black trash bag made of nylon, call it a dress and price it at $500, we know you know better, or do you? Stick to what you do best, oh wait, what is that again?

Kathleen Parker: She's on that CNN program with Eliot Spitzer? Parker Spitzer? She's a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist? No? Yeah, me neither (well, not really). I hate to say that when news broke about Spitzer getting a show, no one paid attention to who else was on it, as in, the other lead commentator. I hear scandals get you famous, just look at O'Reilly.

The Kindle: Nice try, but the iPad can do everything. It can even order one of you and then re-sell you on eBay after deciding that reading Harry Potter on an iPad is way cooler than reading it on a Kindle.

Barbara Walters: You have to admit, the fact that she keeps showing up to The View while keeping her cool is slightly admirable; however, with co-anchors like Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Whoopie Goldberg, she's just dust in the wind. Come on Babara, flip a table or say something crass. We know you have it in you after all these years.

Charlie Sheen: You allegedly tried to stab your wife, but you failed. Didn't you pick up a copy of O.J. Simpson's book: If I did it: Confessions of the Killer?

Chess Club: It's all about glee club now.

Elin Nordegren (Tiger Wood’s ex-wife): I know you're going to write a really great book exposing your ex one day (and by write, I mean pay someone lots of money to do it). Until then, you are not influential, sorry.

Lamar Odom: You're married to Khloe Kardashian but her sisters are way hotter and both single. Even I would have cheated by now.

Cows: Lady Gaga wore you better. Better luck next year.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s second wedding: No one even knows who you are and the people that do are trying really, really, hard to forget. Just go away.

People in Windows 7 ads: You're paid actors and you didn't invent anything. You probably use Mac's anyway.

Southwest Airlines: JetBlue has better in-flight entertainment: Google: "flight attendant quits on JetBlue." See what you get.

Gayle King: You let another year go by without exploiting Oprah. Come on Gayle, we're all friends here.

Cake: Cupcakes one upped you this year and they did it a lot.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Uh, get a job? At least other "real" housewives have singles out, clothing lines, books, perfumes, cook books and work out regimens. Start selling jewelry or something.

John Mayer: You may have had an album out but you were only your typical asshole self for a small portion of the year. Compairing Jessica Simpson to “sexual Napalm” wasn't enough.

Martha Stewart: You stuck to doilies and butternut squash soup; not your usual bout of lying over money. Can’t you excite us with a holiday special this year? Maybe steal something from Rachel Ray’s collection of products?

The Today Show: You have Kathie Lee on there and we all know she is loaded half the time. Stop editing.

Mark Zuckerberg (associated acts include Facebook, that thing lowering your GPA): You're a billionaire but you're not hot? What are women supposed to do with that?

Justin Timberlake: Once again you have continued a boring acting career by leaving your musical endeavors in the dust.

JJ Abrams: You ended LOST, it’s okay, we understand. But when we heard you had a new show out, we got all hot and bothered until we watched it and realized it sucked. Then it got cancelled. It will be a while before we fully recover.

ATM's: We can deposit our checks from iPhone’s now. No one needs you anymore, condolences.

Miley Cyrus's parents: Nice try trying to take the spotlight from your daughter by splitting up. Billy Ray, you and I both know the way to headlines is a raunchy photo shoot with your kid.

kanye West: What's that I hear? Oh yeah, nothing. I don't even know you anymore.

Kesha, Ke$ha, Cashew, whatever: I still confuse you for Courtney Love and sometimes Lady Gaga.

The girl who lost to Snookie on Jersey Shore: Trust me, you'd rather be one of the least influential for not being on the show, because the real Snookie is influential for being one of the least influential people. Make sense?

11/17/10

Some of the least influential people/things of 2010

Why you should never settle in a relationship

Johnny Depp, courtesy of 1995

Dear everyone,

Have you met Adam? He is a 27-year-old guy who knows what's up. Adam, who is featured on The Man's Guide to Love, has sound advice for all of you single lonely people out there who just don't know what to do with yourselves.

"Do not settle," says Adam. "Ever."

Adam is right. In fact, where can I hunt this guy down? I think our brains would collide well in holy matrimony.

I know some of you are reading this saying to yourself: "I don't settle, I know what I'm doing when it comes to dating, some relationships just don’t work out." True, sometimes.

Shut up. You don't know what you're doing, hence your encyclopedia of crazy ex's and unsatisfying relationships (this has nothing to do with the relationships that were satisfying and meant something, only the ones you literally settle for).

Countless times your Aunt has told you that will die alone in the dark and the only thing that will find your body is your cat who you named after your favorite golden girl.
Countless times you have told yourself you didn't like that guy or girl, but because they were persistent, you gave in and put up with them for six or seven months until shit hit the fan.

Countless times you have dated someone on physical appearance hoping they would one day get an IQ and be able to decipher between left and right, which never happened.
Countless times you have gotten bored so you started dating an ex, or someone you know you should remain friends with.

Do any of those four statements sound like a reputable reason to be serious with someone?

If you answer yes, get your head out of your ass. With given history X, you will never find anyone who satisfies you fully. Maybe temporarily in the sheets, but that can only last so long.
You have a problem (it’s okay, we’ve all been there) and this letter is about your problem with yourself.

Take into consideration what you like to do for fun, what your interests are, who you’re attracted to and so on.

Now, take into part that last person you dated. Yes, her ass was beyond perfect, she was the definitive trophy, but every time she opened her mouth, she annoyed the hell out of you and couldn’t tell you anything about your favorite music or books, nor did she care.

Then there was that guy you dated for a while; he was so sweet by opening doors, calling you beautiful and liking your friends, but he was immature and had a tendency to push your buttons.

So why put yourself through unsettling relationships?

If you’re going to “hook up,” whatever, do it. Just don’t turn “hooking up” into a relationship when you know it’s nothing more than hooking up to you; that’s no way to start a relationship with someone. It doesn’t matter if he or she keeps dropping the “so, what are we?” card. End it before the person goes Glenn Close on you.

You're hurting yourself in the end anyway. You'll feel like an asshole for breaking that person's heart when you know you should have remained friends (unless you're a merciless heart breaker, then please, continue your amazing journey in life you animal).

You will also miss out on life and possibly the person who could, dare I say it, complete you.

So listen to Adam and don’t settle, ever.

Sincerely,

Jessica

11/12/10

Why you should never settle in a relationship

The difference between dating boys and men

Photograph by Ryan Lusteg

It’s more common seeing young girls dating older men today. No, I’m not talking about a 22 year-old-girl dating a 65 year-old-man (and if you are, trust me, the silver foxiness can only go so far until you’re having “lavish” dinners during senior discount hours). I mean a mere difference of about three to five years.

Money, fat bonuses and wanting a place to move into because he's successful with a penthouse can be lucrative, but that’s gold digger talk.
This doesn't mean you have to be wearing a dress suit all the time, I’m referring to substantial matter like maturity, which doesn’t always come with age, sometimes it comes with life experience (and no, not all young guys are in this category).

A man knows what he wants whereas a boy will date anything and everything. Yes, dating is about sampling what’s out there, but women aren't a buffet and life isn't The Sizzler. Deep down, you know what you want, so keeping a girl around for the sake of hooking up is asshole behavior. A respectable girl—you know, the one you’re okay with introducing to your mom—won’t sleep with you just because you paid for popcorn and called her cute. Anyway, all you're really getting from popcorn girl is a bad reputation and probably Chlamydia.

A man actually calls you or at least, texts you, as opposed to asking you out over Facebook. This modern romance is making everyone lazy. Oh, and animated graphic roses do not equate to giving a girl flowers.

A man is cordial, so after you breakup, he says hi when he spots you at the grocery store as opposed to ignoring you and telling his friends you're terrible in bed because he's bitter.
He is responsible and spends his money on real matters, or is at least saving most of it for those soon-to-be real matters, as opposed to blowing every paycheck on new video games and Taco Bell.

A boy is one person in front of his friends and another when you're alone (not so good vs. good). Cut the bullshit. A man knows the value of a woman, therefore, doesn't take her for granted.

A man doesn't sleep with you the first night (there are few exceptions, like, there's a gun to your head and you may never see this possible "love of your life" again) and vice versa. With exceptions aside, and he does, he really wants to know your thread count, not what your interests are. He also probably had nothing in common with you and after you sleep with him, you may never hear from him again, at least before 2 a.m.

He actually see's daylight on the weekends and has real hobbies other than girls and getting drunk.

A man takes you on a date that entails getting to know one another sans his buddies basement, red cups, black lights and drunk college freshmen.

He is independent and actually has a job, or is at least actively pursuing his career. Mommy and Daddy shouldn't be paying for your dates.

A boy talks about how many women he's been with too soon. A man is discrete: he keeps his mouth shut and his sexual health in-check.

A man knows how to do his laundry and he does it, not his mom. It's nice she does it when you visit, but if you're sending it home every weekend with notes on top of your hamper mentioning what needs to be dry cleaned and ironed, you need to realize she's not your maid, she's your mother.

These are indeed amenities in relationships. Who’s to say you can’t meet someone your own age—hell, maybe even younger—and fall in love? This is just justification for the non-gold diggers out there who are over their own age group.

10/30/10

The difference between dating boys and men

Creepy PM's

To the dude with no shame:

Nice try but how many chicks do you send this out to in bulk a day? I just want to know who I'm up against. Also, do they look like me or do you just like to dip into the fish pond and see what bites?

Don't worry, I waited a reasonable amount of time before blasting you on the Internet. I also felt that I should blur your last name and picture, for your protection of course.

Once women see how much swag you have, your inbox will undoubtedly be flooded with a plethora of messages and I'd hate to induce extra stress on top of the letters you already have to correspond to.

Keep up the hard work, I hear people meet their soul mates on the Internet these days if you send enough of these personal heartfelt messages out.

P.S. That's not how you spell "hunny."

10/18/10

Creepy PM's

When I was 17...

Courtesy of Revolver Magazine

For some reason MTV thinks the general public is curious about the lives of Snookie and Jillian Michaels, that frightening trainer on The Biggest Loser, at the age of 17. When I was 17 is a show following the lives of celebrities (statement to be taken lightly) when they were young.

Does anyone really care? I don't. They can't be much different from any other self-depreciating 17-year-old teenager who copied math homework, watched TRL and loathed gym glass.

When I was 17, there weren’t iPhones and the term Snookie sounded like something your mom told you a drunken frat guy would do to you if you left your cup unattended at a party.
After looking back on my teenage years and then seeing the new issue of Revolver Magazine, I was a little taken back by the cover.

Taylor Momsen, a 17-year-old girl who was an actress on one of those teenage mutilating drama’s otherwise known as Gossip Girl, left the show at the age of 16 to pursue her music career.

Her band, The Pretty Reckless, resembling something of a Shirley Manson style new age group, is just beginning to make its way in the music world. Taylor wears scantily clad outfits like lingerie, knee high stockings, garter belts, stripper heels, and a makeup counter's worth of eyeliner while performing on stage; since the age of 16 she has done this, at least that’s what we know.

With lyrics like: “you make me wanna die, I’ll never be good enough, you make me wanna die,” makes me wonder what the hell happened on the set of that Gossip Girl show and why, at 16, did she retire the show to pursue another career? Who does she think she is, Whitney Housten?

Taylor and I do, however, share commonalities at that age. I also wore excessive amount's of makeup thanks to my mother who neglected to hand me a towel before letting me leave the house.

I also seriously believed that I sounded exactly like Shirley Manson at times. Apparently I believed wearing headphones would muffle my terrible rendition of "stupid girl" that I sang over and over again in my room.

However, when I was 17, I was also sitting in garages with friends thinking I was "drunk" off one Smirnoff Ice while listening to Dashboard Confessional (yeah, about that); whereas Taylor probably sips Belvedere at The Rooftop Bar in The Roosevelt Hotel while listening to some underground British rock band.
I definitely didn't own a pair of stripper heels and I for sure was too uncomfortable to walk around like Courtney Love acting as if it were normal “sober” behavior.

The odd thing is that this cover comes two years after Miley Cyrus was wearing a sheet on the cover of Vanity Fair at the age of 15.

There is a vast difference in the tastefulness between the two covers so it's shocking that no one is making a fuss.

Is it because Taylor looks like Debbie Harry after tripping into Marilyn Manson's closet? Are we scared of her? I kind of am. She might clog me over the head with one of those four inch plastic heels of hers and I’m nowhere near secure enough in my adult years to be taken down by a 17-year-old stripper, I mean artist.

I think MTV producers are missing something. There's a much grander story here--in Taylor Momsen’s lingerie drawer and medicine cabinet--then there is in Snookie’s yearbook.

10/15/10

When I was 17...

Is it all about the good sex?

Photograph taken by The Cobra Snake

Let's be real, it's 2010 and most relationships begin by feeding the physical appetite resulting in people not really knowing one another.

To look more appealing, it's common that people leave out the gritty details of their prison record, how many men they’ve really slept with or the fact that they follow Taylor Swift's every move and have a shrine dedicated to her in their closet.

These particular components are frequently left out because who really wants to dispel information like the guy featured in the video below who wears a dinosaur suit to make a living and lives in his car.

“I would not tell a lady that until I banged her really good,” he said. “After that, it would be so acceptable [I could] nail her in my car. She would be cool then if I was good in the sack.”

Right.

So does a great physical relationship make up for questionable traits, a lack of commonalities you share with a person or in the guy wearing the dinosaur suit's case, being semi homeless?

Today, it seems as though there is a growing trend involving people settling with a person they may not be connected to emotionally but more so physically, especially after sex is involved. Are we that bored?

If you were sleeping with someone and later found out this person was one of the following: unable to spell words with more than three syllables, has no common interests with you or regard for yours, makes a living by selling watches from the inside of his coat, is immature, or the occasional asshole (no, it’s not Tourette syndrome like she says), would you continue seeing this person because they’re good in bed?

We all have Grey Goose to thank for many lustful encounters, but these days, we’re guilty of maturing these encounters into relationships. Eventually, you get to know the person; you sort of can’t help getting to know a person when you spend so much time together (which is when that Taylor Swift shrine is discovered).

So do you lure people in with your “good sex” and hope for the best?

10/7/10

Is it all about the good sex?

How to get a woman, and keep her

The Man's Guide To Love #213B from themansguidetolove on Vimeo.


More thoughts to come.

10/5/10

How to get a woman, and keep her

Will the real normal men please stand up?

Photography by Unsolved Mysteries of Universe

For some reason unknown to me, I tend to attract weirdoes, grandfathers, boys in high school, ex-cons, the homeless, you name it.

Once a man—in his seventies—gave me his phone number and told me I should call him to "maybe go to dinner sometime." I’m not sure what dinner would have entailed but I'm sure the food at the home, I mean his home, is great (it’s okay if that’s your thing). It would have never worked, the generational gap I mean.

While coming home on a packed Muni one night, a homeless guy—who had nicer eyebrows than myself oddly—shouted to the general public within earshot how rude I was for not allowing him to take me to dinner. Forgive me for being slightly classy; I don’t show up to places in shopping carts.

While minding my own business people watching, a man approached me, asked me where I was from and then to dinner immediately afterward. He just cut right to it; I guess we know he would never be into foreplay.

After the worst date I’ve ever experienced—there’s still time to surpass that—a guy begged like a child asking for cookies to kiss me at the end of the night as if it were his reward for learning how to go through the doggy door. He still haunts me to this day.

On New Year’s Eve, a guy followed me around expressing that his mother told him he “had to kiss a beautiful girl at midnight” or he would get in trouble. Bringing your mom up and the fact that she will punish you is a turnoff as well as questionable considering you’re a 27-year-old guy.

Once a man gave me a flower on the Muni, sweet, I know. Then I found out he was homeless. Homeless men give me flowers, not normal men with an income, what's wrong here?

Need I go on? I won’t talk about the boys in High School; I don’t need an R. Kelly style lawsuit.

Can I count on two hands the number of reasonable, two-legged men who have approached me in a normal fashion? No. It's sad but it's true.

So what gives? Is it desperation? Did some men cut class on manners day or do normal men just have too much ego to lose if they get shut down? At this point, if your teeth are brushed, you can spell your first and last name and can point out at least five different countries on a globe, I might consider your offer to dinner.

[Being unattractive has nothing to do with being creepy. You can be the best looking guy in a room and have total Fatal Attraction tendencies or pure douche bag qualities (same for women).]

So for the love of the lovemaking gods, please, I beg you normal, showered and respectful men to stop staying home and playing Halo. Ask a girl out and help women gain faith in mankind again. You might even get some action out of it so suck it up.

It doesn't matter if you’re broke and the only alcohol you can afford is the rubbing kind. A homeless man is giving women flowers and you’re not. Who’s the asshole now?

9/28/10

Will the real normal men please stand up?

A love letter

Photo by Rolling Stone Magazine

Dear guy who loves himself,

You were like a Monet. I totally dug you from afar. Women have this problem when we see an attractive man: we enter a realm of fantasy hoping you will become a wild depiction we foreshadow in our head. It’s a terrible habit and always to no avail.

To me, you were the nerdy type. You liked reading and probably listened to all these underground indie bands that were so good yet undiscovered. You were motivated, caring and witty in the most intelligent way possible. You were an outdoors-ey man and maybe part of some Big Brother organization. You weren’t over 30 but not under 25. Perfect. Oh, to dream.

Unfortunately, the second we got past "hello," I was bored.

Your glasses were fake--I blame the trendy youth of America shopping at places like Urban Outfitters—and your claim of being a music enthusiast was lost after the mention of Linkin Park and Justin Bieber.

The only motivation you had was getting women into bed and renewing your gym membership and you were caring all right; you cared a lot about yourself. As for your intelligent wit? Right. My jokes went over your head.

I didn't care about your expensive automobile you felt that you had to picture text me. Who does that? Even Batman is discreet about his fancy wheels. Get real dude, I was not impressed.

I didn't care about your career that was less a career and more a pickup line.

I totally Facebook stalked you after you told me to add you on Facebook (which I never did) and I was totally turned off by your incessant status updates and goofy self-portrait Macbook photos. Go outside, read a book...do something.

I blame myself in this situation more than I blame you for defacing the moral of man for women everywhere because I allowed you the privilege of my phone number.

When I told you "I will let you know when I have free time,” it wasn’t an invitation to keep bothering me with text messages when I didn't alert you of my free time.

Look, there's someone for everyone. I am sure you will find your Robin that can under shadow you Bruce Wayne. Keep on keeping on business exec.

Yours truly,

but not really.

9/23/10

A love letter

Difference between girls and women

Photography by Ana Giselle Rodriguez

There's a cosmic difference between that girl you're dating and the woman you'd like to be dating. It might be a material (she's wearing a T-Shirt that says "I love the Jo Bros") or intellectual matter; you just know something isn't right.

A study performed by researchers at Stanford and the University of California-Santa Barbara states older men who pursue young women contribute to a longer life. Uh, what?

For the sake of your own health and apparent possible death, by all means, keep dating younger women; however, if you're sick of buying bubblegum flavored lip-gloss as Birthday gifts, then stop hanging around the sandbox to meet ladies R. Kelly.

It's time to stop complaining that everyone you date is "annoying, clingy and dense" and move on to older and wiser things.

Don't get me wrong, sometime's there's no real age difference when it comes to girls vs. women. You could be dating a 22 year-old-girl who is still watching High School Musical. Whereas a 19-year-old-woman you met just finished reading the Dictionary for the third time and pays for your dinner.

Results may vary but are typically evenhanded:

A girl has an allowance while a woman has a paycheck and uses it for other things than press on nails and new shoes. She has real-life bills to pay for like car insurance. Crazy, I know.

Just because she’s younger doesn't mean she's fresher (of STD's). Women get checked while girls are still at the pediatrician getting stickers and a lollipop thinking everything is rainbows and butterflies.

Her idea of fun is getting drunk off Mike’s Hard Lemonade at a house party that probably occurs every weekend. A woman likes to be at least ten miles away from home on a Friday or Saturday night.

A girl chases you down while a woman doesn't have time for that bullshit. You're on her clock now.

Girls sleep with you no matter what; a woman decides if she wants to. I hate to break it to you but she's not a prude, you probably just aren't up to par. Take a shower and stop being such an ass.

Girls like asshole behavior; women drop your asshole behavior faster than you can say "I said what last night?" Stop being a jerk for the sake of your cuff links and tie you claim to wear Monday through Friday.

Girls quote movies with Hilary Duff in them and talk about Perez Hilton while women know about it, but also know about that flood going on and those earthquakes occurring.

Girls want you 24/7 while women realize you once had a life that included female friends.

Girls come back to you several times after you screw up. Women do not, period. If your woman is coming back to you, you might want to re-think her womanhood title as well as your jerk behavior.

24 is the new 18. Get with it.

She won't bring you home if she knows a family member is there. Talk about awkward.

She doesn't talk about marriage, future kids or politics on the first date because she'd either like to sleep with you that night or see you one more time. Knowing you're a divorced Republican with three kids is going to be a total turn off.

A woman doesn't call you goofy names like Mr. Tickles or schnookum while in public and hopefully not in private.

A girl talks about ex-boyfriends and guys she's been with. A woman doesn't ever mention them. It's no one's business how much of a tramp a woman is besides her own.

A girl hates all men after a break up. A woman knows that that one guy is an asshole and never deserved her to begin with, asshole.

9/7/10

Difference between girls and women

Never trust a guy who...

Photograph by Azikiwe Mohammed

Won't show you his driver's license; it's probably because he was a once woman. Do you think he’s taller than you? Girl, those are heels.

Is on a campaign to “free weezy” and is seriously going door to door with it. He may be passionate, but come on.

Uses Internet lingo seriously: are we 14 and watching Carson Daly count down music videos on TRL? No. We are in our 20's, done or near done with college and hopefully using better vocabulary than “c u l8ter.”

Hit's on you before proceeding to get in his white van full of Caltrans workers. No, his life hasn't turned around and no that Orange Vest isn't a new fad at H&M.

Shotgun's anything other than a beer: it’s one thing to shotgun a beer, it’s a vastly different thing to shotgun everything as if it were normal: Dr. Pepper, Sprite, Redbull, SlimFast...need I go on?

Send's you a picture of his motorcycle over a text an hour after meeting you. He probably got that picture off Google and couldn't tell you where the ignition is.

Tells you he just saw Eat, Pray, Love and “totally loved it.” At least lie and say you saw The Expendables moron! Do you ever want to get laid again?

Openly admits to disgusting sexual habits that would make any person feel violated, degraded or possibly raped upon eavesdropping let alone experience.

Says he's always wanted to work at a Carnival. Just think back on your childhood when you won that fish from the guy with a snaggletooth and a seven inch long mullet. Now look at the guy you're having dinner with and then decide how important your pride is when your parents ask you what his future plans are.

Uses pickup line’s including his name, age and a hobby along the lines of stealing doctor gloves from medical practices.

You find a Taylor Lautner poster in his closet. After confronting him, he says he uses it for gym motivation. He’s a liar.

Says he's a music producer and by music producer, the only thing produced is off a keyboard from Target that's hooked up to his Dell computer while some guy freestyles in the bathtub.

Boys, check yourselves before you wreck yourselves.

8/27/10

Never trust a guy who...

In-flight entertainment

Commercial aviation promotion for Pacific Southwest Airlines

What’s not to love about air travel? It’s so exciting to be a part of especially after the recent bout JetBlue is dealing with--an unruly flight attendant quit over the intercom system before escaping through the emergency exit with a beer (thumbs up to that)—so it should be no surprise that I was a little saddened to see a decrease in "unruly passengers" this year on the Federal Aviation Administration’s website.

In 2004, it was reported that there were 304 unruly passengers in the US, while for this year there are only 23 reported as of June 3, 2010 (we still have a few months left people, I have faith).

Regardless of a decrease in unruly-ness, the behavior that usually doesn't consummate a violation of federal law is infinitely just as good, if not better, because it indeed gets by as normal behavior. Of course, that’s subject to opinion.

From waiting in the terminal to actual air travel, I begin with the guy who's waiting in line to check his bags with at least 12 large suitcases (one questionably looks like a body bag). Not only is this moron alone, he’s holding up the line as he can only move four bags at a time while grunting as if it’s a piano he’s dragging.

Then there’s the guy who can't get through security. Apparently he’s so used to traveling by horse and carriage that he’s unaware shoes, hats, belts, jackets, wallets, keys, beards and eyebrows have to be removed before walking through the metal detector that continuously beeps as he walks back forth removing a new item each time. Finally, one the security guards take him aside before scanning him with their special wand only to find he doesn’t beep once. Of course not.

You finally get through security and sit in the terminal conveniently next to another winner. Some guy is sleeping--not to mention sitting up--with his laptop open, a half-eaten hamburger in his hand and basically his social security number written on his forehead.

The fun doesn’t stop there because once you board the plane, the party starts.

After sitting down, in walks--stumbles--the drunk couple who hit the overly priced mini bar and smell like a bottle of American Airlines finest overly priced Vodka and garlic fries. Not only do they sit right behind you, they order more drinks while in flight and continue talking loudly because drunk people have no sense of volume control let alone breath.

Then you get the family who sits in front of you and doesn’t care what their kids do. Like the child watching you through the crack between his mom and dad’s seat during the entire flight. It was cute the first four times, but cut to six hours later, you're ready to put the kid in the overhead compartment.

Lucky for you, you have the middle seat next to the guy with the long legs spilling into the aisle who ordered something extremely pungent in the food court before takeoff. It’s something between Mongolian and Indian and smell’s expired. On the right of you is a woman who has to use the restroom every five minutes and continually kicks you in the knee as she gets up.

This woman is also the type who "can't sleep" and requires the light on all night while loudly flipping through pages of US Weekly, painting her nails and asking for coffee. No matter how many sleeping pills you pop and how many blankets you wrap around your face, she’s the bain of your existence. There is no escaping her.

Finally, she falls asleep in which you believe frees you of her annoyances until her head slowly inches to your shoulder invading your space. Leaning against the window would just be incomprehensible to her innate knowledge.

Like I said, what’s not to love about air travel? I live for it.

8/23/10

In-flight entertainment

Man to man

"Never assume a pretty woman has a boyfriend. She might be available."

Start taking chances like this guy...

The Man's Guide To Love #109 from themansguidetolove

8/16/10

Man to man

Advice on advice

Photograph by Devon J

Q: I know some girls really like me, but I seem to miss the chance to close the deal. What's the way to overcome this? I really want to kiss, close and get the number. I know I keep missing the moment. How do I know when the moment is there? (I think I just go Wussy and get scared when I get to that stage.)

A: What are you waiting for, Kwanza? Get over yourself and just kiss her or ask for her number. What's the worst that can happen? She pulls back or gives you the number to Netflix saying it's her business line? Move on and hit on her friend--just kidding, but not if she's hot--and don't forget that she totally want's it; don't believe the good girl image, it's a hoax. Just refrain from kissing her while she's chewing her dinner, talk about inopportune.

Q: I've found myself in situations when things get quiet and I can't find what to talk about on a date. What are some topics that fascinate women? Any help on what to talk about on a date would be greatly appreciate.

A: It's only getting quiet because you're having a monologue in your own head on what to say. Step out of your head and just ask questions. What drew you to this person to begin with? She's not going to think you're weird if you ask her what her interests are or where she grew up. She said yes to the date right? However, she will think you're weird if you talk about how much you hate the President, your ex's, how amazing your talents are and how much you love your so cool and so expensive car.

Q: I’m not sure about the whole Cocky & Funny thing -- how do I be Cocky yet not come across as an asshole? And I've really never been the funny type of guy; I just don't know how without saying or doing something that might make me look like a wussy. Can you help a bro out please?

A: Listen, bro. First of all, why do you want to be a jerk? Women hate assholes who love stroking their own ego. Yes, it may seem like we want the guy who let the old lady cross the street by herself and has a criminal record, but it's not true. Cut the egotistical crap and for the love of whatever god you believe in, don't try to be funny if you aren't. Funny is natural, not on a Popsicle stick.

8/14/10

Advice on advice

Commonly misused terms

Photography by Jauncho Contreras

There are many words, names and places that are commonly misused. Words that serve many purposes as well as words that can bring light to any subject. A few of these words that are abused are as follows:

Douchebag: used to describe a person who moves one car length ahead while your blinker is on, then cuts you off as you switch lanes. Also see: asshole.

Hoe: contrary to popular belief, this word can be used to describe both your garden tool and all your ex-girlfriends. Example: My ex-girlfriend, who had sex with my best friend while we were dating, is a big huge hoe.

Moron: a person who lacks intellect and may be smarter than an idiot, but less smart than jackass. This person likes to add -er to the end of most words--funner and stupider--and likes to wear sunglasses indoors while drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade. Also see: fraternity.

STD: something you get from that hoe you're dating. Side effects include loss of reputation, small breakouts in and around the mouth or genitals and/or long term ailments.

Creep: the guy next to you in line who keeps getting closer and closer and closer. No, he's not trying to see the cover of US Weekly next to you, he's trying to smell your hair, skin or decide whether he wants to eat you later.

Billy Ray Cyrus: a confused man who can't tell his daughter from his mistress. This title can be used to describe any man with this problem.

Player: no, not Lebron James, the guy you're dating. Can't commit? Likes having options? Player. Also see STD and douchebag. Move on and get checked.

Heavy Petting: this term should never be used in a petting zoo or around children under the age of 14 (let's be real: 14 is the rightful age to be on Maury, therefore heavy petting is permitted). Commonly performed in places where night vision is required, roommates are in coinciding beds and when no protection is available.

Guido: a person who rubs off on walls and white sheets. No, not sexually, their skin color. Also see Guida and Moron.

Cockblock: your friend who is probably trying to inhibit you from your hoe and a lifetime of doctor visits. Thank your clockblock later.

Beer Goggles: a cool souvenir you get immediately after four Bud Lights. They are often 3D and come in different colors and styles such as: Black, Puerto Rican, Caucasian and Asian. They also make real life look and feel much better.

8/9/10

Commonly misused terms

What's out, what's in

Out: Arizona
In: New Jersey

Out: Jonas Brothers
In: Justin Beiber

Out: Public displays of affection

In: Publicly displaying hatred towards your ex over a status update

Out: Barack Obama T-Shirts

In: "Free Weezy" T-Shirts

Out: Terrorists
In: Russian spies

Out: Wizards
In: Vampires, unfortunately

Out: Hurricane Katrina damage
In: BP oil spill

Out: MySpace

In: Chatroulette

Out: sanctity of Marriage
In: Gay marriage

Out: Hardback books
In: Electronic books

Out: Lil Wayne, at least until he's out of jail
In: Eminem once more, at least until he insults someone again

Out: Diet's/not eating

In: Going organic/smoking

Out: "Michael Jackson was a freak"
In: "Michael Jackson was a prodigy"

Out: Skyping
In: Sexting

Out: leggings
In: Not wearing pants, thank you Gaga

Out: iPhones
In: The Droid

Out: Church of Scientology
In: Whatever Tom Cruise is on

Out: STD's
In: Swine Flu

Out: frappacinos
In: cupcakes that are overpriced.

Out: Sarah Palin
In: Snookie

Out: Toyota's
In: Fixies

Out: Michael Phelps
In: Tiger Woods

Out: Rehab
In: facing your addiction, one ankle bracelet at a time

Out: Blow up dolls
In: Avatar women

Out: Chivalry
In: Cheating on your wife

Out: unemployment
In: deferrals

Out: seeing straight
In: wearing prescription glasses when you don't need to but want to

Out: Michael Lohan
In: Mel Gibson, for the win

7/27/10

What's out, what's in

A love letter to the homecoming king

Photograph by Niko

Dear Homecoming King,

I hate to write this letter to you, for your adolescent ego may get the best of you, but there comes a time in every young man's life when he needs to be set straight.

While I reason with you on valid points as to why you believe a passionate love affair could blossom, I have to counter argue that you're crazy, misinformed and living in a dream world.

Yes, you may be one month away from turning 18, but I don't get to know people for thirty days. You can’t convince me during a thirty day period that hanging out at the local Starbucks until it closes is fun.

Yes, you score lots of touchdowns, and maybe if I was a few years younger I'd be swooning, but my dear, this aint the NFL, this is CIF. 

Yes, you may have just received your driver's license in which your dad lent you his BMW to drive (by drive I mean to pick up your sister from dance class)—classy—but I don't like seeing family pictures in the dashboard; at least not yet.

Yes, it's obvious that you’re passionate and committed to what you do in life--baseball practice, mathlete's, student body president—however, taking out the trash isn’t a real job and you can’t dine and wine a lady off a ten dollar allowance.

These are all valid points; however, the fact that you can't grow a five o' clock shadow in less than a week, you have a curfew, your mom calls while you’re out to see where you are, you’re going to prom next week and you think the greatest movie of all time is Hot Tub Time Machine is a deal breaker. Oh, did I mention you're 17?

You are persistent, in your prime and you're kind of convincing--maybe you should be a lawyer-- but you should try for someone your own age. I don't make sack lunches, not now and not anytime soon, but if you have an older brother, have him call me.

Sincerely,
Move along

7/22/10

A love letter to the homecoming king

How to tell The Hills is Scripted

Justin Bobby on a motorcycle, courtesy of MTV

It has come to my non-Harvard educated attention that The Hills continues to get stupid press time. I know this is shocking news to you as well.

The not so odd thing is, is that the interviews are all the same; reporters can't seem to think of new questions--I wonder why--other than inquiring the realism of the drama unfolding in each episode. So deep.

I suppose if reporters were to ask them about their thoughts on the BP oil spill, there might be a television interview on MTV that looks something like an emergency alert system followed with the implosion of your TV set.

As an annoyed reader of magazines and newspapers who is getting sick of seeing headlines like:"The Hills cast discusses whether their show is scripted," I would like to point out the obvious indicators that are indeed fake which should bury the question for good.

1.  Real people on the show have fake names: Justin Brescia is Justin Bobby, Lauren Bosworth is Lo and Lauren Conrad is LC. See? Only scripted programs rename their actors with faux names to give into the fantasy of a scripted drama.

2. Does anyone and by anyone, I mean all you young folk who watch The Hills, TMZ and whatever other shows exploiting the youth of America, pay attention to the photographs Kristin Cavallari has been captured in for the past six months or so? Are any in Europe--the place she claimed she had to go find herself in because she was "no longer needed in California” anymore? Shall I continue?

3. It’s pretty apparent Brody Jenner is a woman, just look at his eyelashes. He deserves a Hilary Swank style Oscar Nod. Something a la Boys Don't Cry?

4. No one in real life has a face that looks both like the lizard lady and Charo. The makeup department at MTV alone deserves an Emmy for Heidi Montag's portrayal of a saddened young girl distraught by her marriage, loss of family and friends as well as where she last saw her face.

5. There's no dialogue, only music transitions featuring Kesha, lady gaga and some weird band’s that I would have liked when I was fourteen and wearing too much eyeliner. Real life doesn't have music transitions.

6. When they are shooting at cafes, notice no one actually eats the food in front of them--probably because it's plastic or made of Styrofoam--because nothing in the film industry is real, hence, scripted.

7. Justin Bobby isn't a real person; he's an animated Ken Doll. Only plastic dolls made by Mattel are that good looking with such a limited vocabulary. I hear they teamed up with Pixar for his character.

8. All the actors are actually the folks from Jersey Shore. I know, right? They are that good. Do I hear Emmy?

9. Notice how camera angles are never on the person speaking? Exactly. When Kristen is talking shit on so and so, the camera will be on the other so and so, so you can't actually see Kristen talking about so and so. Confused? I'm not.

10. Lauren Conrad had to write the real version of The Hills in a book--a book based on stuff no one gave a crap about because it was too boring to air--in which she still changed the names (MTV was a bad influence) of the people involved. She was also the reason MTV decided to hire screenwriters for the show.

11. There are celebrity cameos: that also doesn't happen in real life unless your Snoop Dogg or Oprah.

Still not convinced? Watch The History Channel. That's not scripted. Then compare and contrast.

7/19/10

How to tell The Hills is Scripted

Why your ex is like junk food

Photograph by Katarina

There are certain people you cut out of your life and by certain people, I mean toxic people you’ve dated. These people are kind of like things you don't allow yourself to do like eat an entire cheesecake in front of the fridge on a Friday night when you come home drunk. You just wanted one bite but cut to ten minutes later, half of the cake is gone. Eventually, when your pants are tight, you learn to not buy cheesecake anymore and hope you don’t revert to eating something else in your cupboard like a jar of peanut butter. 

Just like not buying cheesecake, you learn to not talk to your ex's anymore because every time you do, it's like the ultimate doom of your self-respect, control and emotions.

Instantly, you’re reminded of why they’re such a pompous waste of space or you might even hate yourself for reaching out to them out of boredom, loneliness, depression, confusion - whatever -  after finding things out like the fact that he's gay. Talk about sleepless nights of wondering if you’re the one who made him realize this. But don't worry, that's not even the worst thing that could happen, you could accidentally sleep with him in hopes of getting back together (because women are weird and we do crazy things) only to later find that he moves on as if you two DON'T have a history. See why you should keep him cut out? Because now you're hurt and pissed and reaching for cheesecake.

You know certain people are bad news, hence the title "ex-boyfriend." You know the reason you stopped seeing someone is because that guy did things like forgot to show up to your birthday party and stayed home playing World of Warcraft. What a sweetheart. Just thinking about the things he did makes you want to scream into a pillow. Yet, for some reason, these people still cross our minds.

It’s a time capsule. With time, you forget the idiotic things they did and remember them for the good things. They are lodged in our brain like the taste of Oreos or chili cheese fries. You remember how good they taste but forget how bad they are for you and how much tighter your pants will be as a result of eating two rows, dipped in peanut butter. What?

The pathetic thing is, the good things you remember are just superficial: he's so hot, he had such strong arms, that hair, those green eyes, his tattoos, his laugh, he helped the homeless, he saved a bird! So you start thinking down the path of nostalgia and consider calling him. Then reality hits you like Double Stuffed Oreos and you opt for something less personal like Facebook.

You are completely thrilled upon catching up with him and possibly seeing where things could go until you see pictures of him with his new 100 pound girlfriend who has boobs for days and doesn't speak English. Ah yes, there's the instant reminder of why you stopped talking to him: your dresses were never short enough and he’s a shallow jerk. I mean, what on Earth could that girl have in common with him? Breathing? Now you're just pissed.

There are so many reasons why we ex-communicate, delete phone numbers, block people from Facebook, maybe go on personal intervention’s by trying to lose ten pounds, dye our hair and win him back. Until you realize it's not you, it's him (or her).

Stop it. Stop getting caught up in the cookie jar and stop getting caught with lucid dreams that he's the one who got away. Unless he is, then you better track him down. If you consider the one who got away to be that guy who parks in the handicap spot, then damn it, you need some Oreos. Hell, eat the whole bag.

7/17/10

Why your ex is like junk food

Dating tips from Ken Doll

Even plastic doll's know how to play the field.

7/15/10

Dating tips from Ken Doll

Dating questions answered

Photograph taken by Tamara Lichtenstein

Q: Is chatting via webcam considered cheating?

A: Are you having a live conference with fellow co-workers about the newly implemented changes in your office? Or are you wearing furry handcuffs and leather chaps while talking to a cowboy in distress when your boyfriend is at work?

Webcam's don't scream talk therapy, they scream fetish after dark. If you need to talk to someone, try a friend or therapist, not some guy named Hank in Delaware. It isn’t physical cheating, it’s emotional, on a totally creepy predator level.


Q: I hate that my boyfriend has pictures of his ex on Facebook. Can I ask him to take them down?
A: You can ask him to take them down if you want to continue dating him. As to why you want to date someone who is hung up on his ex is beyond me. If I were you, I would print all the pictures out, make a photo album for him and then tell him to go play on some train tracks. Get real.

Q: My boyfriend is very distant from me. We don't talk as much anymore and I want to get him to want to talk to me all the time. Help!
A: Well, there's a vast difference between talking to you once a month and once an hour. What’s your definition of normal? People do have lives--sleeping, working, showering--so you can't be the center of his being all the time.

If he's not talking to you for long periods of time (day’s on end, week’s even), it's not that he's ashamed of you, he's ashamed of himself--well, that's a lie--your relationship is clearly done.

You should never have to wonder when he will come around; he should, as well as you, always be around. Relationships aren't games; if you want to play games, put two quarters in the air hockey table.

Move on or realize he can’t talk to you in his sleep.

Q: Can you call dibs on a girl or guy?
A: No and how dare you want to deprive the economy of its good looking youth. I don't care if you licked the girl like the guy who licked his favorite car in that old Volkswagen Jetta commercial. If she or he isn't into you, it's not going to happen. There are plenty of other pretty young things for you to get to know later in life so stop it.

7/6/10

Dating questions answered

Reduce, reuse, re-trend

Photo source: unknown

Remember when going green was totally cool? Everyone was all Al Gore-y by watching an Inconvenient Truth, trying to save polar bears and wearing organic T-shirts that were probably edible. Then something happened making everyone forget that paper is recyclable. I think it was the iPhone; there's no app for decomposing.

Recycling is back, kind of like the McRib. In 2007, everyone was crazed over the $34 bags labeled: "I'm not a plastic bag” which were made famous by earth-y celebrities, an effervescent need to stand out from the community of polluters and possibly a desire for world peace, something like that.

Recycle enthusiasts--trend setters--were all about using these at the grocery stores because it was the new thing. Now that the hype is gone on the late product, society's back to paper or plastic (at least there are bans on plastic now in certain cities).

Madonna and Julia Roberts were pro solar panels on their multi-million dollar homes as well as carrying their silver canteens. What non-recycling, law abiding, US Weekly reading citizen didn’t want to mirror these super awesome fads that would benefit our planet?

Stores like Kitson started getting in on the movement because I’m sure one of the Kardashians or Nicole Richie were wearing pants made from a newly discovered plant that won't break down after washing but is also good for the environment.

What's better than fashion you can wear, plant in your garden, smoke and buy at an overly priced retail cost?

When I read that Nike made outfits for the FIFA World Cup that are recycled from old bottles (Brazil and the U.S. team are made solely from bottles), I immediately had a Paris Hilton, green-bin flash back (but good for Nike and soccer).

A jersey made of bottles: Why? Why not? I don't know how recycling works exactly or how a shirt can be made from a Coke bottle, but I’m assuming if clothing is made of this, pretty soon pants will made of dirt and shoes will be made of smiles and rainbows. It won't make sense, but it will be eco-friendly, so who cares? Just heighten the price to $75, put Alexander Wang's name on it, sell it at Fred Segal and you have yourself a profitable item only affordable to upper class people who don’t know a thing about polar ice caps other than the charity event they’re at is serving a great salmon dish.

I was aghast when I read that the Nike jerseys are retailing at $70. If recycling needs to be pushed, why is it being pushed at such high retail prices? What about the common folk? I'm sure it's because Nike's name is on the jersey as well as the fact that it's easier to recycle a material into the same material. A jersey isn't exactly a bottle; however, Walmart is selling plastic bottle shirts for somewhere around $7. Get on that Walmart couture. Be green, or plastic in this case.

Granted, recycling in parts of the United States--and world--is minimal. Living in places like San Francisco is simple; there are three bins everywhere: compost, plastic and paper and some even have pictures. I know, eco-gasm.

Going green means a lot these days: it means wearing green, smoking green, carrying cool canteens, wearing clothing made of bottles, you name it. Let's just hope these trendy trends are getting the message across and people aren't still throwing paper product's in trashcans with half eaten burritos and light bulbs.

6/30/10

Reduce, reuse, re-trend

Never trust a girl who...

Photograph taken by Daniel Gil Rodrigo

She programs her phone number as your number one speed dial after a week of dating. You'll soon find she also changed the ringtone and took a risque picture of herself so when she calls, you're reminded of how psychotic she truly is.

You find weird chat rooms left open on her computer while checking your email. First of all, who uses chatrooms anymore? It's not 1998 when chatting on AOL was more fun than actually hanging out with your friends. Second of all, no one--I mean no one--should be discussing creepy fetishes with strangers anymore on a chat board. It's called Chatroulette people, at least there you can show your face.

Her business cards not only contain her phone number, email and website, but also the prices for her "services."

She gets your dog a pink rhinestone encrusted collar as well as matching sweaters and T-shirts. Your dog is male and also a 70 pound Labrador who now hates its life. This won't stop here: when winter sets in, your dog will be sporting scarves, Santa Clause hats and probably boots because it's paws might get cold.There's one thing you don't mess with and that's man's best friend.

She replaces all your food with non-fat, low-fat, vegan and organic (skip this one if you want her to). She's either insinuating that you need a gym pass or she's making you over into the man she wants you to be. Either reasons aren't good. If you like your Hostess cupcakes, then damn it, eat them and find yourself a woman who loves you for you as well as Twinkies.

She looks in the mirror and asks "does this look like a canker sore or herpes? I'm not sure, it could be one or the other."

All of her pictures on Facebook, her phone and in her apartment are her with other girls, on other girls and kissing other girls. She likes girls. She just wants a man around to rub her neck and kill spiders.

She gets smashed every time you hang out. We're talking the kind of smashed involving forgetting your name, her name, hooking up with strangers and finishing the night over the toilet. She's bad news and will probably drink all of your parents wine if you bring her home.

6/23/10

Never trust a girl who...

Advice on advice

Photograph by Anna Wergelius

Q: My guy kisses me good-bye, but otherwise, he doesn't like to kiss unless we're going to have sex. We have great chemistry, and the kissing, when it happens, is amazing. So why doesn’t he like to, and how can I get him to do it more?

A: Unfortunately, this is a no-win situation for you. Sorry sista. You either have bad breath, you're a terrible kisser or he doesn't like you enough to commence any physical activity any time other than when you're about to have sex. Therefore, try keeping Crest Wisp's on hand or get a new guy who enjoys a little tonsil hockey.

Q: What is your advice on calling after having spent the night with a woman? Is it a chivalrous or wussy thing to do? Should it always be a call or is e-mail OK? What should the tone be?

A: First of all, spending the night with a woman isn't a business meeting; therefore, refrain from e-mailing, faxing, sending a telegraph or anything of the sort. If things went well and you actually liked her, get over yourself and say something. It's not a marriage proposal and it doesn't have to be a love poem, just ask her out you dunce; however, if you paid for the evening, there is no need to touch base the next day, I'm sure she knows she was good.

Q: Guys often approach me at bars, and sometimes we really hit it off. But they almost never ask for my number, and the ones who do are never the ones I want to ask for it. What's my problem?

A: Your problem is that you're trying to meet guys in bars. Meeting guys in bars is like trying to meet someone off MySpace and hoping they don't have crabs; it's not ideal or safe. Of course, saying every guy in a bar is sleazy is a complete generalization because you have to remember that you frequent bars and aren't sleazy (well, after reading this question, arrows point to yes). If you're looking for everlasting love, try a library or somewhere that isn't darkly lit smelling like Whiskey and cigarettes.

Guys may also refrain from getting your number because you're insinuating that you aren't going to follow them to their white van at the end of the night. You may also be so incredibly boring that you're just not worth the effort of inputting a new number into their super awesome state of the art cell phone; even for pity's sake. White vans are over-rated anyway, so stop anticipating your dream man at the local pub on $2 beer night.

Q: I met a guy through an online dating site and we've been dating exclusively for 7 months, but his profile is still posted as an active record on the site. I'm mystified. How do I handle this?

A: You have been dating "exclusively" for 7 months but his profile is still active? Right. He's exclusively talking to you all right, as well as exclusively checking out spring break photos of other hopefuls. If you're so set on dating this mystifying Internet marvel, you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that he probably has the desire to speak with other women. Re-activate your account and look for someone new or go outside and meet someone in real life who only knows how to attain active criminal records as opposed to active dating site records.

6/18/10

Advice on advice

It's all about the chase

Photograph by Eylul Aslan

Don't lie; whether you're a man, woman, cat or dog, you love the chase. There's something about a person that you know nothing about that makes you want to know more.

So what is it about the chase that is so enthralling to many? Some say it's because men are natural born hunters, others say it's because it's light and carefree; a lack of responsibility to just one person, if you will.

Maybe you don't know what it is exactly. Maybe you chase for reasons that are mildly frowned upon like if they're forbidden (in a relationship) or seemingly impossible to get and getting is the prize.

Other reasons why people are all about it? Chasing a person is fun. You know nothing about them like whether or not they're crazy, an ex-con, addicted to sniffing glue or into weird fetishes. At this point, they’re perfect in your eyes and can do no wrong except mismatch socks, but you'd probably still find that cute.

That giddy feeling is exciting when your phone lights up unexpectedly (regardless of the fact that it's usually your mom); the one time it's that person, you just about melt because to you, they bit the bait. Alas, victory.

However, chasing can be irritating. Being inaccessible, mysterious and intriguing, it's endearing and by endearing, I mean it can literally drive you insane. Especially when someone doesn't have a Facebook. Talk about stalk block.

Seemingly, the person is unreal and you're dying to know more as if your childhood celebrity crush on one of the Hansen brothers is coming to life, minus the Mmmbop. Making it difficult to get to know the real Hansen brothers, there were only so many J-14 Magazines revealing important information like their favorite ice cream flavors (maybe that's why my childhood celebrity crushes lasted so long and my real crushes are so short lived).

Yes, the adult thing to do is to commence normal courtship, but where's the fun in that? Who wants everything at once? Showing too much interest in the beginning leads to thoughts of neediness anyway. Who really want's to act their age and not play stupid mind games with each other? Get real. It's like trying to catch a fish with your bare hands. Let's just hope that when you catch it, it's not Chicken of the Sea.

Regardless, whether you want to admit it or not, you love the chase as well as being chased. It's thrilling. You know you want it and until you get it, you aren't going to stop. At least until you find out their weird fetishes on Facebook.

6/11/10

It's all about the chase

Advice on advice

Photo by Ceasar Sebastian

Here’s some advice retracted from Cosmopolitan. You may have the same statements or questions, don’t worry Dr. Jessica is here to help.

Q: “I found some e-mails my boyfriend wrote to girls who'd posted ads on Craigslist wanting to hook up. I confronted him, and he said he was just playing. Why did he really do it?”

A: First of all, I hope you're not still with him; Craigslist is the venereal disease of the World Wide Web. Second of all, he did it because he wants to have sex with other women. This site is for selling used couches that your college roommates spilled beer all over and for registered sex offenders to make friends and find lovers with weird fetishes. Yep, your boyfriend is on there. You might want to reconsider the title "boyfriend."

Q: “I've been hanging out with this guy for a month or so, and everything is great...but I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like I'm obsessing. How can I get this guy off my mind all the time?”

A: What’s your definition of obsessing exactly? Is it: refreshing his Facebook page every five minutes, knowing all his ex girlfriends by first, middle and last name, having a special ring tone for him and calling everyone by his name? If that’s you, go to Netflix, order Fatal Attraction and take meticulous notes. Get off his Facebook, go outside, and hang out with your friends for a little bit if you're that distraught over it. Otherwise, stop pushing away a good thing and embrace his face in your thoughts. Why wouldn't you want to think about him anyway?

Q: “My new boyfriend is very experienced. I'm not jealous of all the girls he's been with, but I've always been really scared of getting an STD. And when I'm with him, I can't stop worrying about it, even though we practice safe sex. Will he mind if I ask him detailed questions about his past?”

A: No, not at all. In fact, wait until you're both naked and ready to have sex to ask him these things. Talk about a turn on. Make sure you get as much information as you can; you don't want to leave anything out. While you're at it, get a family health background as well: heart disease, cancer, etc. You want to rule out anything for your future children you already thought about and probably named in your head.

Q: “I have an on-again, off-again relationship with this guy. The main reason why it's been so rocky is because when we're on, he's seldom able to perform in bed, and it gets both of us so frustrated. However, when we just hook up during "off" times, he has no problems. I really think this is the only obstacle to our being together, so is there anything I can do to fix it?”

A: Did you read this after you typed it out? I don't think your "only obstacle" is bold enough. The guy clearly can't get it up for you in any way when you're committed. Hello red flag, it's time to move on. He wants to have the cow and milk it for cheese, ice cream, yogurt, you name it. He may also be better during your "off times" because he is learning new moves from other cows. Stop trying to tie someone down who doesn't want to be tied down. Think about it, sleep on it and get back to me.


Source: Cosmopolitan, May 2009

6/8/10

Advice on advice