Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Lies we tell ourselves


It’s a good thing our thoughts remain thoughts. If people could hear the way many of us think, we may seem clinically insane and uneducated. The little lies we tell ourselves to keep our panic and insecurities tucked away seem frivolous and silly yet we continue to do it; no matter how often the outcome proves our logic incorrect.

"Letting someone in my lane will give me karma:" highly unlikely. Does this mean Gandhi spent a lifetime of lane changes? Did he let everyone who had one less item than he at the grocery store go in front? Not sure, but the answer is presumably no. If karma is what you are looking for, visit a Buddhist temple or read The Secret.


“Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer and you're in the clear:” wrong. Alcohol will make you sick whenever it feels like it. You just had too much and can't cheat the system by drinking in a different order. Try eating a pita pocket before you down a bottle of scotch and a six pack of Newcastle.

"My ex is commenting my best friend's status updates; he is in love with her and she is a cheating, lying slut." Okay, what? How is he in love when he clicks "like," as her status reads: Nicole stopped breathing today for ten minutes but was revived. Also, how is she a cheating slut? Cheating on a chemistry test is by far different than cheating on a nonexistent boyfriend, ex, of best friend? It is not a marriage proposal, step away from the computer.

"God, if you make me stop feeling sick, I will go to Church again every Sunday." Who are you kidding? Sip your soup and watch a movie. Church is for the health conscious who take their vitamins anyway.

"Well, since I worked out today, I'll have the large ten piece chicken stars with curly fries and shake." Yes, working off 60 calories while watching Gillian Michael's work out on DVD as you go back and forth from the couch to your mat, equates to consuming 1600 calories at the Cluck Bucket.


"If I shut my eyes for just two minutes at a time, my teacher will never know I am sleeping during lecture." Sure, you have everyone fooled. After the third failed attempt of waking yourself up at the two minute mark, your snoring, drooling and twitching were not distracting at all.

"That shirt is on sale for 20 dollars. I will save so much because it used to be 50. I must have it." If saving money involved handing cashiers my debit card, then I too would be wealthy like you undoubtedly are. Whatever money saving book you are reading, it should be burned.

"He or she is not calling me because their phone was lost, their house probably burnt down or they were probably contacted for a charitable research project in Africa that can't be discussed just yet." Uh, what? They aren't calling because they are on the couch watching a movie with someone they are interested in. Go read a book.

"I am so cool because I can get into bars and I am only 19." You are as cool as that Smirnoff Ice in your hand. Being in a dive bar that peaks at 9:00 p.m. while possibly housing your friend’s parents, is the furthest thing from cool. The door man is so old he literally can't see the date on your fake ID because the print is too small. You also look nothing like Nancy, the 43 year old Minnesota native with a completely different hair color, and face for that matter.

If these lies get you through the night, then I would hate to be your sleep deprivation. Keep lying. It's hurting no one...really.

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