Monday, October 26, 2009

I want--deserve--a reality show


It takes little to nothing to get a reality show these days. I don't actually want one, but I want to prove a point by saying why my insipid daily routines deserve to be filmed and aired like all the other celebrities out there.

I too don't have a real career. Kim, Kloe, and Kourtney Kardashian are all filmed getting their nails done, shopping and slapping each other. I do my nails, on my couch while watching reruns of Friends, I also shop at trendy clothing stores--Target and Forever21...(what?)--and I can easily slap siblings. Running frivolously around my house in a velour track suit complaining, punching and text messaging on my really cool cell phone is so easy.

I eat lunch with friends. Sometimes I wonder if the only thing the cast of The Hills has to do during the day is eat lunch at an upscale cafe on Melrose Avenue. Sitting outside--never indoors because that would be a drag--while never actually consuming plates of lettuce. Sometimes my friends and I frequent Chipotle which has a plethora of outdoor seating. We discuss wordly topics, like who is dating who even though we already know the answer. We also love to act shocked when we fill each other in on our lives by gasping and leaving our mouths agape for long periods of time.

I can set up cameras in my walk in closet and do confessions too. Confessions that involve me reading, re-reading and trying to pronounce colossal words on scripts. It's easy by the ninth take.

I live in a highly populated area of cougars--I mean real housewives. Everyone around me drives cars bigger than they need, tans more than should be allowed and loves rhinestone dedazzled shirts, dresses, shoes, bags, and larger than life wedding rings.

I know people who cheat and have no real problem asking a friend to video tape me while spying and busting them. There are plenty of 7-Eleven's that would make great backdrops for this...since it will be scripted of course.

I have two little dogs. Everyone loves seeing little dogs dressed up in outfits matching their owners; I can put clothes on mine too. Not that I condone animal cruelty, but for television, count me in.

I have an old friend who is distantly related to the boys in Hanson. Why not make a name for myself as Jessica Druck, friend of boy band Hanson. No one has to know, right? The Kardashian's are simply the daughters of O.J. Simpson's lawyer, or Bruce Jenner's stepkids, whatever. Okay they have two ties--way to one up me. Regardless, I will shamelessly name drop Hanson as I please.

I have lived with over seven strangers in the past year and a half, in a foreign place--San Francisco--and lived in a house. People totally stopped getting polite and totally got real. Hello MTV? Perfect candidate!

I also love to exercise so that is a simple thrust into one of your many challenges with old castmates.

I can get in fights in bars and make people wonder why there is a camera crew following a 22-year-old unrecognizable girl. Just give me a few vodka collin's and someone who looks like they are from the Rock of Love Bus and you have yourself a two part episode.

I have over sized black sweaters, huge sunglasses and clunky shoes. I can be chauffeured while I sip on a venti coffee from Starbucks and address everything as bananas; minor changes.

I know my resume is huge so don't all jump at once.

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