"Heart shaped jacuzzi" by Sarah Thibault

ating is so different these days. In my opinion, no one actually dates. With Facebook, eHarmony, MySpace and everything else, who needs the real deal? Facebook chat has become the equivalent to telephone conversations. Commenting has now become the way to ask someone out. Online profiles, for me at least, kill all the fun in being young. You learn too much about each other too soon; like how many beers Frank the tank had last night. Gag.

No wonder girls have insecurity issues and sit at home wondering: “Why hasn’t he commented me back,” or “Why can’t I get a boyfriend?” That is what this world has come to.

Can I begin with: Dating is not an Internet profile nor is it a place to dwell on why you have no one. You have no one because you are dwelling over status updates on why you have no one.

I hear so many girls say: "Why can't I get a boyfriend?" Get? Are they for sale somewhere? If so, where? Is it some Kmart type place where there are different aisles for different boyfriends? Aisle seven is the manly-man where tools can also be found--no pun intended. Aisle eight--the metro man who loves facial products--you get the picture.

I hear so many girls say: "How come she has a boyfriend?" Then I, Negative Nancy, look over and the girl is missing a tooth, wearing a Dora the Explorer tee-shirt and humming Olivia Newton John while her boyfriend, the one wearing an "I'm with Stupid" shirt with the arrow pointing up, is lowering his Phat Farm jeans even lower. Really, you want that? By all means, be the home wrecking woman you are in that case!

Whatever society has instilled in women that make them--us, ugh-- think "WE NEED BOYFRIENDS," disgusts me. What happened to independence, sovereignty, and strong willed man eating machines with killer confidence?

I am looking through articles to amp my little excerpt here and the titles in these are enough: How to Meet Guys who want More Than One Thing, Where to Find Love, How to Stop Dating "bad boys (that last one makes me laugh a little, because really, all you have to do is stop),” and last but not least: Sometimes, When You Ask, the Universe Says Yes. Redundant, redundant, redundant.

These, ladies and gentlemen, are the articles giving women across the Universe incomparable advice on how to snag you, you prince charming you.

Here is what I say. You want answers? They are in the title. Don't click "read more" because you should be able to help yourself here.

First of all, if you are only meeting guys who just want one thing—whether it is sex or your wallet—you are clearly hanging around in the wrong areas. Dark alleys and sports bars after a hockey game is a definite no-no.

Second: Where to find love? Well, get off the couch and go outside. If you are behind a love profile maybe that is your problem; you can’t wear that to work. You have to brave the world anyhow, therefore hiding behind a picture of you from ten years ago is going to do you no good. Facebook does not love you back at the end of the day, well...maybe some of you it does.

How to stop dating bad boys you ask? Well, If a guy tells you the last book he read was Maxim or Captain Underpants: run.

Lastly: Ask and you shall receive. This is just a quandary if I ever read one. I ask the universe for things all the time: gum, gas cards, Brad Pitt,--but only Brad Pitt in that one part of Benjamin Button where he is young--- skittles, money, a yacht adorned with bottles of Crystal; I never receive. So if you are sitting at home making a recipe for the perfect man, I suggest you put the pen and paper down and go for a walk. The fresh air will do you good.

Sit back, live your life and someone who is right for you will find you...eventually. You are not going to die the proverbial cat-lady, you will not have to go gay, you just need to live your life. You can't search for stuff like this or read articles about how to fix this problem.

It's like looking for your car keys; you know you had them when you were driving home, but after that it's a loss until you erratically find them in the freezer.

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