What Women Want for Valentine's Day

Flowers sent to our work so everyone knows just how much you adore us.

To be told we are beautiful, heavenly mortals. And that we look really thin.

To be gushed over on Instagram with a pre-approved image of our liking.

A heart-shaped box full of chocolates. And again, to be told we look thin.

Applauded for our youthful, fresh-faced glow. Our skin that is like that of a newborn. Then handed a $100 gift card to Sephora.

A heart-shaped pizza. Just because.

A Hallmark holiday movie marathon even though it's not Christmas.

A kitschy item from a Valentine's Day pop-up shop on the street so we know you care.

To be remarked as smart, intellectual beings, and again, very thin.

Throwback: Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky's Wedding

Since I am in full on wedding mode, I thought I'd throw it back to one of the most iconic TV weddings of my childhood, and arguably of all time: Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky's.

Like all truly good fashion, I'm sure it's only a matter of months – or perhaps weeks  – before this look comes back in style. Speaking of which, can we take a moment to reflect on that veil?

In realness, I can't imagine our current minimalist society ever bringing back such an over-the-top trend, but if and when we do, I'll be ready. I've got my mom's dress that fits the bill.

I'll leave you with this, but do note that I'm certain the reason her veil was so large was so she had something to wipe her tears with during this:

How to Get Through the Month Before Your Wedding

Nine tips for surviving the month before your wedding without losing all your hair, and only most of your savings:

1. Mix four Xanaxes into a stock pot of vodka and drink every time a vendor springs an extra expense on you.

2. Hold your breath until you pass out to avoid all phone calls. Email, you peasants!

3. Take an ice bath to numb the crippling pain you experience every time you view your credit card statement.

4. Go on a juice cleanse, but replace the juice with Pepto-Bismol to not only ease your nervous stomach, but help you lose weight!

5. Take two Ambiens every four hours to ensure you get plenty of beauty rest leading up to your big day.

6. Throw away whitening strips and instead rinse your mouth with bleach! It's cheaper and far more potent than name brand products, and will still leave you with that beloved throbbing pain.

7. Get that $2,000, 24k gold, baby tear facial Martha Stewart Weddings was talking about, because at this point, what's another few grand?

8. Take care of yourself by eating healthy, balanced meals, like ice chips and raw kale, to ensure you have loads of energy and your dress still fits the day of!

9. Smile every time you think about your wedding, because remember, you could have put a down payment on a house!

Peace be with you.

TBT to TRL

Now that MTV has answered all our prayers by bringing back TRL, I thought I'd get nostalgic for a minute to remind all the youngins what the O.G. music matriarch of cable TV once was. This show paved the way for Carson Daly, it made photo booths cool, and once it even shut down Times Fucking Square when the Backstreet Boys showed up to released Black and Blue. They had to lower the shades, people!

So, please enjoy these photos that only ever graced things like Teen People Magazine, or my binder.

I leave you with the unearthed treasure that is TRL's class of '99 photo.

Vintage Valentine's Day Ads

One of my favorite things to do is look at old ads and read the messaging on them because they really show a sign of the times. So I dug up some vintage Valentine's Day ads that are sure to make you say "W-T-F," because nothing says "Lollipop" like swinging in your underwear!

And last but not least, my favorite way to apologize. Had to throw this in despite it not being a Valentine's Day ad.